Concentration Issues and Trips to London

Well the last blog post I wrote was quite open and raw for me to write.  I don't usually go that public over the way I feel when I am or have been struggling, I need my own space to deal with things and if I open up it usually leads to a lot of questions and attention I just don't want.  So why did I choose to open up?  Well simply because if I don't talk about it how will anyone ever know or even begin to understand?  And why is this important?  My challenges are hidden, I don't look like someone who struggles and it is perhaps less obvious given that I grew up undiagnosed and learnt to keep things covered up, to avoid that undesired attention!  But my challenges are what they are and if the people in my life can understand these a little theoretically that should makes things a little easier right?  

As usual I did intend to write again before now but hey at least I got round to it whilst still in March and that is actually a pretty big achievement for me right now.  I have been struggling a lot more to concentrate and start things recently, I mean the last blog post took me over 7 hours to put together (I hope this one is done quicker!).  Concentrating has always been a bit of a battle for me, everything at the last minute under lots of stress is usually how it goes but I haven't been able to concentrate on the simple things lately.  Unless I am really interested or really motivated to do something I get bored very quickly and no matter how I try I just can't seem to keep my mind on doing it.  Suddenly everything in my brain feels very far apart and it becomes really difficult to get to the areas I need to.  I also then, just to make it easier (!), get all these thoughts and ideas on some really random things often completely unassociated to what I am actually trying to accomplish which of course distracts me further and before you know it all this time has gone by and I have done nothing.  Another thing that also happens such as right now is that everything in my environment starts to annoy me more than usual.  This evening writing this the living room light is bugging me, the cushions on the sofa just don't feel right to sit against, the flickering TV and sound from TV over my headphones are distracting, the dog chewing his chewy bone....and this is all before you get onto the lure of social media.  I stay up really late a lot and get lots of things done just simply because the atmosphere at night feels different, everyone is asleep, everything is quiet, there is less going on and this just means I can think clearer and concentrate better.  And um just to illustrate my point here I started this about 4 hours ago and this is as far as I have got....... If you think that is bad, it doesn't beat my record as a child at 9 years old who wrote 5 words about rocks in an afternoon!!  So it seems to make sense to stay up and get things done when I concentrate better but then you get the cycle of not being able to get up and function in the day.

So as I was saying...lately my concentration has been worse.  I feel like I have lost track of everything in my life and I'm playing this immense game of 'catch up'.  In the last couple of weeks through not training I have vast amounts of excess energy.  I want to bounce around the house like tigger and dangerously my body is not telling me that I can't do this, it is my brain thinking this wouldn't be a good idea rather than any pain signals stopping me from doing it.  It is frustrating.  But now there is some exercise I can do safely without causing further damage to my ankle.  So why don't I just do this?  Problem number 1 - I don't have a plan.  Solution....make a plan?  Which leads me to my next problem, my plan ends up taking me several hours to put together (without the concentration lapses) and then to actually do the exercises in said plan takes me ummm hours because I have made too comprehensive a plan with too much to do!  And failure to complete and follow said plan results in extreme cup breaking frustration.  Ok...so try it without a plan?  Just do what you feel like?  After a little go on the exercise bike, a little go on the punchbag and a half hearted stretch...I'm bored, I want to do something else, I'm thinking of something else.  I need the plan or I need the supervision I get at training.  I'm not somebody who isn't driven, I'm certainly not lazy - I work hard when I train so why do I have this problem now?  I love to train, this should be a breeze, but it isn't.  Why?  Maybe if I knew I could fix it.  Is it the chaos in my environment, the chaos in my brain and the chaos generally in my life, in that I have lost track of what I actually need to do?

I need wall planners, timetables and task lists but took this a step further with a new organisational app on my phone.  My wall planner gives me a visual of events in advance, my timetable handles the upcoming week in more specific detail and the task lists tell me what things are outstanding to input onto the timetable.  The new organisational app allows me to schedule these tasks and routine tasks with alerts so that I don't forget to eat my lunch (have a giggle but this happens on a daily basis).  My husband and I have set new routines to ensure everything is tidied away before bedtime so I can get straight onto my tasks when I get up and we also set which tasks additional to basic routine I must complete the next day, as left to me I'd set myself a ludicrously ridiculous amount of tasks to complete (just like the excessive training plan).  I also don't know what takes priority, the only thing in my life I ever really gave priority over anything to was kickboxing!  So I need his help to work out what I should get done first.

I have kept to basics on this app so far, I have to do ankle exercises 5 times a day so just to make sure I have been doing those has been a challenge.  I have been setting myself little tasks to help me get in more control of the areas of my life I need to.  Judging how long tasks may take is a bit of a problem as it can range between such a long period of time if I'm struggling to concentrate.  Also if I'm a little bit late in starting tasks it piles the pressure on to catch up with the rest.  But nevertheless the reminders have been working.  There feels like there is a little bit of progress and as long as I feel I am progressing toward something I am usually able to placate myself.  And this is true of now to an extent except when the ultra perfectionist side of myself shows up and shouts 'don't you realise how pathetic this actually is?' at me.  I feel like I should be doing more, I could be doing more and I put myself down massively because I feel like all the things I am struggling with so much other people don't even need to think about too much.  It is like there is always this never ending battle going on within me that is not even apparent on the outside.  It is tough.  When you identify what you find difficult, you take control and try to put things in place to make life easier and essentially function to the best you can and then at the end of it all you turn around yourself, tell yourself you are stupid and less just because the very way that you are means that you have these challenges, that to be worthwhile you shouldn't have these challenges and in the process rip apart all of the solutions you worked so hard to implement.  And I, as of yet, can't seem to stop this.  From the outside it can look like this huge attention seek thing, but I hate the attention and from the inside it feels hopeless.  I need reassurance but hate that I need reassurance.  I hate that it is so illogical because I would never tell anyone with my challenges what I tell myself, so why do I think it of myself?  Why can't I see all the good things that make me who I am right now?

This week has been a good example - this week I had to go to London to do a speech.  The speech was right in the centre of London, there was no way I was driving here, it was a train and public transport job.  So what happened?  Well I don't travel by train often nor by any type of public transport.  I get overwhelmed by the noise, I panic with lots of people round me and struggle to work out where I am meant to be.  It would be very easy for me to get lost and if I did get lost I would not be able to recover the situation, the anxiety would be too great.  And when I say anxiety I mean you can't think, can't process, can't make sense, everything is a fog type anxiety.  So I need help.  I need somebody to accompany me, help me find where I need to go and get there in one piece, on time and calm(ish).  A lot of this falls down to my husband to help me with but he works full time and it is not always simple for him to get time off, if he got time off everytime I needed help he'd have no holiday for actual holidays.  So I had to find someone else to help me and even though I know I need the help, I feel embarrassed that I need to ask and I struggle to ask.  And on this occasion finding somebody was really difficult, my recent difficulties had meant that I had been struggling to plan and think things through in advance.  For me to cope with this journey, I had to be accompanied and my husband had to put a very basic step by step list of instructions together which told me what to expect and what I had to do.

Just like when I fight, when I am delivering my speech, I feel more confident and more relaxed.  I can struggle to hold a conversation sometimes but I can stand up and deliver a speech and I actually want to stay up there as long as possible, I guess it cuts down on the conversations afterwards!  I like that what I am saying is all planned out and I even throw in things on the spot now that I manage to keep relevant.  When I finish speaking I feel achievement.  If you have known me for many years you might understand why I feel this but just for the benefit of those that don't, I grew up not daring to speak to people.  All through my life there were silences, with family, at school, at kickboxing, with friends.  Anything that I didn't know how to approach or deal with met with silence.  So speaking to a room of strangers is a huge achievement every time I do it.  I took the fear of letting people hear my voice and decided I didn't want to let that stop me from being heard, so I put myself in front of a room full of people and spoke when nobody expected I would.  I have proved I don't need to be feeling at my best to achieve this or to even do it well, I don't know how to give less than 100%.  I enjoyed this speech, it was the first time I had done a speech like that one and I'd worried a lot about getting the most meaningful and important points across and not leaving anything out.  On the way home from London I was totally drained.  I was desperate to get home.  But compared to the day after, the evening after is always easier.

To say that an event like this wears me out is to put it mildly.  The day after I got up for an appointment, otherwise I probably would have just ended up chilling out on the sofa all day.  To cut a long story short I wasn't happy after this appointment and I needed space to work things out.  During appointments, meetings and sometimes even general conversations I find it difficult to process what is going on, what it means or how I feel about what is happening.  I hear what is being said, I understand what the words mean and all that kind of stuff but I struggle to apply what it all means to myself, how I feel about it and even what I action I want to take.  This can be a big problem and pretty frustrating.  I often can't work all this out until I'm on my own and have some peace and quiet but of course at home I can't just sit down and think....I have a puppy.  I also have problems concentrating and I was sat at home with every sound from the street dancing around in my head, an excited puppy pouncing on my feet, feeling drained from the day before and I knew I just had to get somewhere so I could think and process what had just happened.  So I picked up the mischievous puppy, bundled him into his seatbelt in the car and we drove for two hours.  My car to me is absolute bliss...until I am stuck in traffic or dazzled by millions of lights at night of course.  In my car I can turn up my music and I can't hear all the distracting sounds that plague me all day.  I find it really calming.  Oscar was perfectly happy chewing his toys and snoozing on the backseat.  We stopped and went for a little walk half way and once I felt calmer we went home.

After we got home both of us crashed out on the sofa and slept until my husband got home.  I went up to bed and continued to sleep.  I was the most awful wife - I could not speak to him, I couldn't be near him and he could not comfort me.  I needed to be on my own and it is difficult to explain now why at that moment I can't tell my husband nicely that I don't want a hug, I don't want to chat and I just want to be left alone.  But he understands.  And fortunately he picks up very quickly on how things are and gets why it is like that, he knows when to back off.  In total I slept around 6 hours, woke up for a couple hours then went back to sleep for the night.  In reality after the day before doing the speech and travelling to London I needed a lot more than this.  But in spite of the after effects, going to London and doing the speech was worth every second for the sense of achievement and the insight I am able to give to others.  And the rest I will just have to figure out......

Injuries and Rehab

As a sports massage therapist I also have a blog about injuries and sport related stuff (Top Form Blog - nice little link there although I am just as bad at updating that blog as this one!) and I thought with my latest injury it might be a good idea to detail there how I am treating and rehabbing that injury.  If you follow me on social media etc you will know that last week whilst competing in the Irish Open I sprained my ankle quite badly and have now been forced to sit down and chill out for a while!  So this idea got me thinking a little bit more deeply about how I should go about this because the impact not training will have on my levels of stress is bound to be fairly significant but perhaps not quite appropriate for my more factual, business related blog even though the psychology of injury will be mentioned.  I thought do I run the blogs simultaneously with the how crazy it makes me become against the what exercises I am doing etc?  But then I realised if I am going to be true to this then I really need to back things up a bit because there is a lot more to my current stress levels than my current injury predicament.

I don't know what has led you to my blog now, I don't know if you really know me or if you do what capacity you know me in - have you seen me fight, have you heard me speak, do you train with me or are you friends with friends I have or you might be my own friends and family?  If you have heard me speak then chances are you may have this perception of me that I'm this fighter, I don't give in and my life is all positive.  While this is true - I have a lot of positive things in my life and I don't give up - I am real and I don't have it all worked out, I hurt, I fail and things don't always work and this is sometimes barely noticeable.  I grew up until my 20s without a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome and I struggled a lot particularly with stress and anxiety.  My poor mum wanted to take me to see a doctor when I was a teenager and I refused, I was convinced that I was "wrong" and seeing a doctor would confirm that.  So I hid how I felt, it wasn't that difficult as I struggle to show how I feel but I made extra effort to be like everyone else and fit in - I still do it to an extent.  But it is exhausting, even just being in this world is exhausting and there is a time every year where I just can't do it and keep up / cope with the demands in my life, sometimes it is very brief and sometimes it drags on.  

This is where I am now and where I have been for the last 4 months and it is true the longer it goes on the harder it is to get back on top.  So I figured in this period of time where I am recovering from my ankle injury there is an opportunity to really focus on rebuilding myself to the strong, focused person I am and getting myself back on track to show the world who I really am and what I can do - and why not blog about this too?  I mean this is the embodiment of what has made me who I am and this will show how I got to where I am - this is what I do and what I have to do. And essentially it is like a rehab just more for the mind.

Last week I was absolutely devastated.  I was competing in my 11th Irish Open, I was the fittest I have ever been, I felt after my hamstring injury in 2012 that I'd finally got back to my best and maybe even surpassed my best, I'd really put the hours in to my training for this.  I've had injuries before but something like that had never happened to me during a fight and I felt like I was just getting into the fight as it happened.  It is one thing to lose but it is another when something like that means you don't know how things would have turned out and for me that was quite difficult to deal with.  All those "what ifs".  At first I was gutted because of the competition but then as I started to realise that I wouldn't be training or competing for a while things went a little out of control in my mind and I began to wonder if I would ever get to the level I was at again, if I'd ever be the same.  I was more gutted because of the hard work and length of time it had taken me to recuperate from the hamstring tear and well, I'm not getting any younger, how many more years do I have?  I got home and I am such an active person, I hate to be sat still.  I wanted to smash the house up, I wanted to smash my foot to pieces, I was angry and frustrated.  My brain was racing and I was still - it seemed I couldn't do anything I wanted to do.  Normally when my mind is that active I am bouncing off the walls and I can't sit still - so this week I have struggled to live with myself and it has been an achievement to have avoided a meltdown and not break anything.  I thought things could not have got any worse before I went to Ireland and this was something I totally did not expect.  

Before Ireland I had been really struggling.  Since I had come back from the World Championships last October things had slowly been deteriorating to spiralling out of control.  I struggle with the loss of the structure, routine and focus on the goal of winning the World Championships, it is really difficult to adjust after a week in a new place to come back to a change at home.  I stopped being able to sleep and was not sleeping until 4 or 5 am every night, this improved with the addition of Oscar the puppy to our house - he keeps me busy and calmer.  But presently I can't sleep without my ipod on because my head is too active.  My difficulty with concentration had got to be so bad that until now I have been unable to start anything and see it through.  I struggle to know what to do and when to do it, even to the extent of making sure I eat if I don't have a plan.  I am distracted by absolutely everything - I get distracted by my own thoughts and deviate from my plan because I decide it is better to do something else but in the end that never gets done either.  If a motorbike drives up and down my street a few times, it drives me insane, I can't block that sound out and I start to get angry and throw things.  When things are out of order, if my house gets messy or my inbox is overrun with emails I lose track of everything - I don't know what is going on and I get very annoyed and agitated.  When you need a good amount of structure and organisation in your life to function, such as I do, to feel as though you have "lost track" of everything is simply debilitating.  I have felt unable to do anything.  For the past 4 months I have hated myself, I have been so cruel to myself, picking apart every facet of what makes me who I am.  I have woken up more times than I can remember wishing I hadn't woken up.  I feel like a failure.  I have wished I didn't have autism, I have told my husband that I bet he wished he never married me.  I can't always identify what I feel or why I feel it and I call myself stupid, useless and pointless - nearly on a daily basis. 

I am perfectionist.  I don't do something unless I can put 100% into it, totally all or nothing.  This means I put great pressure on myself.  I know what I am clever enough to do and I fear not achieving what I am capable of achieving.  I'm good at what I'm good at and terrible at what I'm not good at and there tends to be no in between.  And this is not helpful when you feel you have lost track of everything in your life.  To say I have been highly stressed would be an understatement and to then at the start of the year have competition after competition in these loud, busy, extremely full on environments - I have thought at some times that I might explode from the stress.  And no matter what I say here or how much I choose to reveal I can never truly explain just how things have been for me over these last 4 months and even if I could there are many people who would never really understand.

I am lucky.  There are lots of people in my life who love me, care about me and who I have worried.  There are lots of people who support me in many different ways and I appreciate it all because I need that support.  How would you cope if you received messages everyday from someone saying they are stupid, like everyday?  I mean are there only so many times you can tell them "no you're not" before you get a bit pissed off or would you be able to understand?  Then there is also the poor lady from the Asperger's team who tries to help me and gets told that she asks stupid, pointless questions and that for that reason I won't answer them.  And how would you cope if your daughter wouldn't open up to you, or your wife told you that you hate being married to her and marrying her has to be the biggest mistake you made?  When I behave, think and talk this extremely it is almost like I have been taken over by this darkness - I feel dark, I feel slow, full of hate and this, I think, happens because I am overwhelmed, by what I feel, by what is happening around me and I just don't know what to do with it all, where to put those feelings.

Strangely it is this ankle injury and new focus of making it better that has led me to this point now, today.  This point where I am focusing on pulling it back round rather than just making it from one day to the next.  Many of the things I have listed above aren't going to go away - they are features of the person I am, albeit presenting in an extremely amplified way due to the levels of stress.  I haven't gone into what has made me stressed but I'm trying to establish a business, fund my sport, do my sport, write a book and god knows what else.  There are seasonal stressors too and it all just builds up.  That's about as much as I can explain except to say there is also this thing I do where I look at everyone else and what they seem to seamlessly with little effort manage to do and achieve and compare against what I struggle with.  For any person it is simply the worst thing you could possibly do to your self esteem, it only makes you think about what you aren't and what you are lacking and when I do this I forget all the good things I am and all the things I have achieved.  I write them off as "normal" and that "anyone could do it".  And then I feel less.  But I am not less.  I am a whole person, there is nothing missing from me, I am what I was meant to be.  If I grow into more then that is great but I'm not deficient in any way right now.  

Realistically this is what I do best.  I know how to drag myself back up, I know how tough it is and I accept that it is just how it is.  I accept that my challenges are there and I know I just have to find ways to manage each thing that crops up.  I am real, I don't have to be on top all the time to be the positive example of someone living with Asperger's - it is not my success that makes me the positive example it is the very fact that I am real, that I do live through the challenges, I do hit the figurative brick wall and fall down but I still come back and I will come back and I will smash that wall down.  Now I can't fight or train for a while but there is a reason that I do fight so well and that is because of what my life is.  When I step onto the mat to fight it is my sanctuary and I am fighting all these things that build up inside of me.  You cannot do a sport like mine and be successful if you don't have the mental approach and that is not that you are mental enough to fight!!  I know that if I approach anything in the way that I approach my fighting then I will achieve it, I will not be beaten and that is what I have to do now.  People underestimate me all the time and really that is their loss but when those people then put limits on what I can do, well then I have to prove them wrong.  I couldn't care less what people think of me or the way I act but never think you know what my limits are because that is up to me.  I don't live my life to impress anyone else, what I do I do because I choose to.  So sit back and watch what I do best and that's to kick life in the face, or maybe I'll just settle for a punch for now as I do have a bad foot?!

2013 Review

With January already being nearly over I am well behind with this blog post and pretty much everything on my to do list but Christmas was hectic and things have been a little more difficult for me in the last couple of months combined with the addition of a mischievous puppy into the household...I have got very behind!  I did so much in 2013 that I thought a Facebook status would not be enough for me to sum up the incredible year I had so I thought I'd be better off reviewing it in a blog post.  This was something I wanted to do because although it has all happened and a lot of people know what I have done and achieved I actually have to remind myself sometimes, especially when things are tough, that I am capable of doing great things.  In life it can be so easy to focus in on the negatives and forget to celebrate the positive achievements we make and one of my aims for the rest of 2014 is to remember and be grateful for what I have and what I have achieved rather than what I struggle with.

At the beginning of 2013 I could not have imagined how things would have turned out, all the wonderful experiences I have had, the incredible people I have met and of course all the things I have achieved.  The year as well has not been without its challenges or difficulties but in life you have to expect these things and carry on regardless as much as possible.  

Fighting in the Clash of the Titans

In terms of kickboxing I had a fantastic year.  There were the usual obstacles and barriers including injury and 6 weeks of illness at the beginning of year but in spite of this I started off 2013 well winning WKC National Championships and WAKO British Championships and getting a bronze medal in the Irish Open.  I also participated in the Clash of the Titans fight show in Huddersfield, a full contact event where I fought and defeated a taekwondo world champion.  I love events like this and will always fight when my coach asks me to but if I'm honest I was feeling tired and ready for a break after all the intense training in the run up to Ireland combined with being ill.  However I am glad I pushed through and did it as after I fought I felt incredible.  It was awesome to be part of such an event packed with great fighting and atmosphere.

Winning my third world title in Italy

Other competitions I won later on in 2013 included the BCKA National Championships, my interclub competion.  I also won the FSK British Open and beat another world champion in NWCKB's fight night toward the end of the year.  But the biggest thing was winning my third world title in Italy in October.  Just prior to starting training I had been suffering with retrocalcaneal bursitis and I had to modify training to see if it would heal on its own.  Unfortunately I needed to have an injection and this meant again more modifications to training, it wasn't the ideal start to training but then again I have come to accept that things are never ideal!  The conditions in Italy weren't exactly ideal either and I think a lot of people struggled with them but considering I always have to contend with the competition environment things felt almost impossible in Italy but I got through it and retained my world title.

Disabled Sports Person of the Year

I was lucky to get a lot of help in raising funds to be able to compete and help in my preparations for competitions.  And at the end of the year I won Northants Sports Disabled Sports Person of the Year and was given a Martial Arts Illustrated Hall of Fame award.  Two incredible accolades I was proud to receive.

2013 was also the year in which I began to run my own business.  I qualified at the end of 2012 in sport and remedial massage therapy.  This has been a source of much frustration and a very steep learning curve.  I never expected running a business to be easy and I did know that my additional difficulties would not make this easier but one of the things that I have learnt indefinitely is that I am very good at what I am good at and anything else I'm just terrible at!  The challenge for 2014 is to find a way to be able to concentrate more on just what I am good at with strategy for what I struggle with.  I wouldn't say that I was failing or that things were going slower than expected, I feel that I have achieved a lot more than a lot of people just setting up a business would just not in my business.  Sometimes the frustration has got the better of me but stepping back from the situation and looking at it again I can see that the experience is one that is helping me to grow and develop as a person.  I'm not somebody who just gives up, I am a person who will find a way to succeed.

One of the worst moments of 2013 for me was losing Becks the family dog I grew up with.  Becks was more than a dog to me, he was my best friend and he was so important to me growing up.  I was absolutely crushed and devastated as much as I had been expecting this eventuality.  That dog gave me more than he could ever have possibly known.  He can never be replaced and I will always always miss him.


In November my husband and I gained another nephew, Harvey Jai.  We were a little surprised when my sister in law told us we were to be an uncle and aunt but were pleased to finally meet Harvey on the 13th November.  We now have a niece and nephew to spoil and play with.  We were lucky enough to go on holiday with my brother in law, his girlfriend and our niece to Mablethorpe.  We haven't been on a non-kickboxing related holiday since our honeymoon, so it was really nice to be away and just chill out especially to spend some time with our niece Aimee.

With Anna Kennedy

As I said at the start of this blog post I have been fortunate to meet some amazing people and do some amazing things.  I have spoke several times in London, been to the House of Commons twice and much more.  It all started back in April when I found Anna Kennedy on twitter, we exchanged a few tweets, she put my story on her website and asked me to speak at Autism's Got Talent in May.  I had never spoken to an audience of that size but that didn't put me off.  It was a fantastic experience to be part of and I was truly overwhelmed by the response to my speech.  Not long afterwards Anna Kennedy contacted me again and asked if I could speak as part of Autism's Got Talent at the Autism Show where she asked me to be a patron for her charity Anna Kennedy Online.  It was truly an honour and great responsibility to be asked to fill a position such as this and I was happy to accept.  Becoming a patron for Anna Kennedy Online has been one of the proudest moments of my life.

From there I continued speaking at local schools, I like to speak to the children about their goals and achievements and one of my real highlights of the year was when at a school one little girl who had been having a tough time told me that when she was older she wanted to be like me.  I have had a few people tell me before they would like to fight like me but this was the first time I could remember someone say they wanted to be like me, it was very special and really touched me to have made such an impact on someone.

It wasn't long before Anna Kennedy was calling me again, we had a trip to the House of Commons for an event on women in sport and Positive Image.  Here we met Victoria Pendleton.  Then later on in the year Anna put on her own event at the House of Commons to present the findings of her survey into autism and diagnosis.  I had put together a comic on autism awareness which was also launched here.  At this event I spoke about my own experiences based on a speech I had given at Anna's Autism's Got Talent Roadshow in November.

Speaking at Autism's Got Talent Roadshow

Meeting Victoria Pendleton at the House of Commons

Speaking at the House of Commons

Speaking at House of Commons

With Anna Kennedy at AGT

My 2013 was packed full of some amazing things I never thought I would do as well as some tough times such as losing my dog.  But in spite of the bad things and as fantastic as the good things I did were what I was most important to me was that I ended 2013 certainly richer in good friends.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdMwWAf5alE - Autism's Got Talent Roadshow speech
www.joredman.com/
www.annakennedyonline.com

Some photos by So Shoot Me -
https://www.facebook.com/soshootmeportraitphotography?fref=ts

Sports Awards, Hall of Fame Awards...Speeches....

I always seem to be saying this but it really is true so maybe I should be getting used to it but November has been a very busy, hectic month for me.  Sooo much has happened, a lot of wonderful things but truthfully I have been struggling a lot.

Since coming back from Italy and the World Championships I have really struggled.  It is not something that is new, I always feel this way after the World Championships and I always forget (inconveniently) that this happens.  I get extremely anxious because that goal I was focusing on is suddenly not there anymore and yes it was something I achieved and that was great but it is a bigger change in my life than it may outwardly appear.  My training - diet and exercise regimen is so structured, I need adequate amounts of sleep, a little bit of remedial work, eating at specific times and of course training.  I have fixed appointments in my calendar and I have something to aim for.  Then I go away to a place I have never been before - where things might be done slightly different to the last time I went to a World Championships and then I come back home to a completely different scenario.  When I come home everyone wants to see me, wants to congratulate me and catch up.  All that structure and training routine is not there anymore, I can still go to the sessions but most of my team are not there, they are resting.  I can eat what I like, when I like.  It is all different.  It feels impossible to keep up that training regimen without the rest of my team doing it, without that clear goal and when those months of hard training are taking their toll.  I do need a rest, but I don't like it.  So I'm anxious, I have all these other things I can be doing but I don't know where to start or what to do.  I don't have the structure I need anymore and I know in a month or two I will be back in that hard training again anyway so whatever I do now is a gap fill.  It is tough to deal with and I have been very anxious these past few weeks, so much so it has been hard to get on top of things.

But nevertheless I have still had some great things happen.  For a start I was nominated for Northants Sports Disabled Sports Person of the Year, an award I won last year.  I was nominated by my friend Austin Hughes who came along with my husband and I.  My coach Alex Barrowman was also up for the Coach of the Year award after winning the district award.  I didn't expect to win as I was up against some tough contenders who had competed in the Paralympics, plus I had won the award the year before so I was incredibly taken aback when I was announced the winner.

My coach and I at the Northants Sports Awards

 

This was a great achievement but then I was invited to speak at Anna Kennedy's Autism's Got Talent Roadshow at Baston House in Bromley on the 16th November.  It is always an honour to be a part of these events.  Everyone performing is so talented at what they do and there is always a great feeling amongst those performing at the show.  I had a difficult and emotional speech lined up, I wondered how I would be able to deliver it without any problems but I needn't have worried.  Normally for Autism's Got Talent my speeches had been about the things I had achieved and telling my story, I felt this time that many people were already aware of my story and that I needed to deliver more of a message through my story.  I am proud to say that it went amazingly well, I had a lot of positive feedback afterwards and Anna requested that I do this speech again when I speak at her autism event at the House of Commons in December.  After then I will hopefully be posting and sharing this speech on youtube.

The very next day, 17th November, I was at the Martial Arts Illustrated Hall of Fame awards where I was put forward for an award.  I was given my award for determination and achievement in martial arts.  It was an honour to receive such an award in the presence of so many dedicated and talented martial artists.  There was also an opportunity to say a few words and five years ago I would have been too scared to but this time I saw it as practise to speak to such a large audience.  I spoke for only a few minutes but had standing ovations from some areas of the crowd which I didn't notice until I was told by people I was sitting with.

Martial Arts Hall of Fame Award

It has been wonderful to have been recognised both in local sport and also the world of martial arts for my achievements and I also really enjoyed speaking at Autism's Got Talent.  Now all that needs to happen is this anxiety to pass and to establish a good structure again.

Anti Bullying Week & Autism Awareness

Earlier this year I was asked to become a patron for Anna Kennedy Online, a charity promoting autism awareness and supporting those affected by autism.  I do not take this role lightly, in fact I see it as a responsibility just as I see the success I have had within my sport - I have a responsibility to encourage others, share my success, my stories in the hope they may help someone.  I remember vividly how I felt in my younger years and I want to be a role model to people who are struggling with confidence issues - believe in yourself because you are capable of more than you know.  So when Anna asked me to write something for anti-bullying I dropped everything to give this my full attention.

And here is the outcome,  can also be seen on Anna Kennedy Online website.

"Most people would walk straight past me in the street and never imagine that I am a three times kickboxing world champion, just like they would never guess I have Asperger’s Syndrome.  In fact upon meeting with people I used to go school with – fellow pupils and old teachers – it seems that I would be the last person any of them would have picked to have achieved what I have.  At school I was withdrawn, extremely quiet, very anxious with low self esteem and no confidence to speak of whatsoever. 

I grew up without a diagnosis and not really understanding why I felt so different, but in this case this is beside the point.  I grew up being made fun of, excluded, called names, taunted, pushed around, taken advantage of and it didn’t stop once I became an adult.  As an adult I was ostracised in the workplace, I had my privacy invaded and was emotionally bullied.  I was bullied at school and in the workplace because of my appearance, my sexuality and because I was different in how I acted and reacted to things.  Some of the bullying I experienced I did not realise was classed as bullying at the time and some of it was more obvious.  Being on the autism spectrum can sometimes make it difficult to recognise when the way you are being treated is wrong.

Bullying does not have to be physical, you don’t need to be hurt physically or beaten up regularly, spat at or the target of flying objects or a quick shove over.  Bullying takes on many different forms in both a direct and indirect way.  It can be as obvious as somebody calling you abusive names, taunting or insulting you persistently over things such as appearance, intellect, disability, sexuality, ethnicity, beliefs; or as a subtle as someone creating false rumours about you or purposefully excluding you from being part of an activity.  It can be carried out by one person or a group of people but the general aim is to establish a power over you, to make you feel inferior, vulnerable and maybe manipulate you into doing things you wouldn’t otherwise willingly choose to do. 

Along with advancements in technology bullying has also evolved.  Online or cyber bullying has become commonplace and prominent and ranges from harassment via prank calls, instant messaging, email, text message, online chat, facebook and twitter, to hot or not videos or other videos on facebook and twitter and even to defamatory websites, forums and the hacking of email, facebook and twitter accounts etc.  The internet is a wonderful thing but it has also enabled bullying to become more intrusive and even for people to be threatened anonymously.

Bullying in any form is not ok or acceptable.  It is not ok for anybody to hurt you, it is not ok for anybody to take things from you without you giving permission willingly and it is not ok for anybody to make you feel inferior or less by excluding you on purpose or telling lies about you.  It is also wrong for people to make you think you have to do certain things that you do not willingly choose to do in order to avoid any of the treatment described above.

I hated myself when I was younger, I felt lonely and I believed that I was no good to anybody and that I would never achieve anything.  There were even people who laughed at me when I started kickboxing, who told me I would never be any good at kickboxing – how wrong were they?!  I tried to stay in the background and avoid attention but I was not made to be in the background – just as any other person I was made to live a life that I chose.  And I chose kickboxing.  At 13 years old, when I was at school and bullied, I decided I was going to be a world champion, I was going to be the best.  And it was my focus on this that helped me get through the tough years I had as a teenager.  Things turned out well for me in the end but it was excruciatingly painful and you can’t take that chance.  You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence like I did.

If you are being bullied, if somebody is treating you in any way that causes you hurt and distress or even if you think some of the things you might be being asked to do seem strange and different it is so important that you tell somebody in authority like a teacher, your manager, your parents.  I know as a person on the autism spectrum that this can be difficult, I know that it is hard sometimes to approach anybody, let alone somebody with authority.  You don’t have to approach them directly face to face, you can ask somebody you trust like a friend to help you or you could even write a note.  But it is important you tell somebody because they can help it stop and keep you safeguarded.  Nobody deserves to be bullied or treated badly, for whatever reason.  We are all worthy of being treated with love, dignity and respect just for being who we are.  Different is not less."

Over the last month Facebook discovered Bitstrips, an app which allows you to create cartoons of you and your friends.  I have used Bitstrips (and this took me hours) to put together a comic about Autism and Asperger's Syndrome.  It was difficult to cover every characteristic without doing too much but I hope that I have found a good balance.  Anna Kennedy initially asked if I could do an anti-bullying cartoon for her 'Give Us A Break' campaign but the general awareness one seemed to take over as I realised how these cartoon images could really help to depict some of the challenges and characteristics of Autism and Asperger's.  This comic is now going to print but can be viewed in an album on Facebook, just check out the link below.

Autism Awareness Comic

World Champion...Again - Not As Easy As It Seems

Well I went to Italy and came back World Champion, my third world title.  And I am pleased to have achieved this, really pleased but that week was a tough week.  I should be really proud of how I handled it but last couple of weeks I have felt a little bit sad about it and I wasn't sure if I should write about it because at the end of the day I came out of it as a World Champion but this is exactly the reason I set up my blog for, to write about and bring awareness to things like this.

Going into a competition as the reigning two times World Champion it gets difficult.  There is the pressure of being the champion and people expecting you to win but also there is that how do you measure yourself and how do you show you get better?  Personally I measure against myself and my previous performances, so I set myself my own standards to beat.  Last year I had injuries and didn't feel fully fit, this year I did and I wanted to fight as well as I could - that's what it is all about putting on your best performance on the big stage and sadly I didn't feel that I quite did that.  As a person with Asperger's I find it difficult to let go of disappointments and need to understand why things happen like they do.  So I ruminate and dwell.  

I have said in speeches and in things I have written that it wasn't easy for me doing what I do and that there are barriers caused by Asperger's to my sport.  But even so sometimes even I forget these as "normal" and think really?  In Italy I was unlucky, a lot of things happened out of my control that all together meant that the issues I have were more prominent for me where normally I cope so well.  I rarely feel so on the spectrum as I did that week and chances are few people actually really noticed this.

Anyone who has Asperger's or autism in their lives, whether it be themselves or family, will understand the importance of or even how vital plans are.  I have to have everything planned out, step by step how I expect it to happen, I love my processes and knowing how things are going to work.  By now I get the plan and process of going to a world championship, this was my fifth time but I still need to reaffirm and go over that plan before we go away just to remind myself and to take into account travel plans.  I dont like to be away from what is familiar to me.  And this year things were different. 

I have been fighting with my team for over 10 years now and for the first time ever unexpectedly my coach was unable to come with us due to illness.  Before we even left I really didn't like this, it didn't feel right, I'm sure a lot of my team felt the same but for me it wasn't part of the plan and a major change.  I don't like changes to the plan.  We still as a team had to carry on but I really felt the loss of him not being there.

We set off and it took us 15 hours to reach our destination in Italy.  Now I'm sure there are few people who would actually enjoy a journey like this but can you imagine spending all that time in airports waiting around if you are on the spectrum or have a family member on the spectrum?  You guys will know exactly what I mean.  The journeys are usually long and I use diazepam to help me cope in airports, I needed two lots of medication on the way out.  All it does is chill me out so I don't reach the point where I shut or melt down.  I'm still coping with the sensory input and social stuff going on around me to an extent and I still present as I would normally albeit more spaced out.  I was diagnosed late in my life and have learnt to just "get through" things with minimal fuss despite how much pain it causes me, and you can't always tell when I'm in pain.  I have people say Jo why don't you do this, try this or ask for this - those things never occurred to me before because its not something I knew I could do.  So I wore sunglasses in the airport this year, which massively massively helped.

At the end of this journey was weighing in, possibly what I find the worst part of the whole fighting experience - my feelings and issues on weighing in are covered in my book, so I won't spoil it!  I get really anxious about it worrying I won't make my weight, despite this having never happened to me and there is a lot of waiting around which makes it like hell.  Not making my weight to me would be disastrous because I would not be where I was supposed to be, again it would be another deviation from the plan but on this occasion and as usual my weight was spot on.

So once that was over I thought I can relax now, eat what I like and look forward to fighting.  Wrong.  There was no choice of food.  And the food that was there was ridiculously priced.  Obviously another inconvenience for everyone but on the spectrum I had a plan of the kind of food I wanted to try and eat and when and I couldn't do this.  I respond like a child when I'm not able to do the things I want to do because I can't cope with it, so instantly I hated everything and my husband had a real nightmare on his hands.  The place to eat was full of everyone in the hotel all trying to get some food, buffet style - queues, lots of background noise which is hard for me to filter out.  I struggled a lot in there, I felt on edge, anxious and sick everytime we were there.  All of which probably only my husband would be able to tell.  The meals I had were not meals, they were random foods thrown together, a little bit of this or that on a plate.

Part of my plan for the week was that I was going to fight on a certain day, this didn't happen.  It was different to my plan and that was really tough for me to cope with.  I'd built myself up psychologically, prepared physically and it didn't happen.  That change in the plan again was one thing but there's also the need I have to fight.  Fighting relieves my stress and after a long stressful journey the sooner I have a good scrap the better.  Instead this time these feelings were left to build up.  I like to work my way through competitions and go through the process, on this occasion I went into the process at a later stage and for me that was difficult to cope with.

Then where we would be fighting, in a marquee in a field.  This was not so bad, there were the usual crowds of people shouting, cheering and clapping which is painful to me but which I am accustomed to, expect and cope with using my iPod and taking time out if I can.  The issue here was the lighting, the marquee was lit up by bright halogen lights shining onto the fighting mats.  They didn't startle me but they did feel like they were burning into me when I fought.  And when I fought for the first time I can remember there was no escape.  Normally fighting relaxes me and I lose track of all the shouting and what's going on around me, this time these lights were drawing me out of that place that I like to be in and it was as frustrating as hell.  I trained so hard, travelled all that way and I didn't feel like normal when I fought.  And because of that I hated myself.  Again most people are probably now thinking why?!  But when it comes to fighting, the thing I love to do the most, my feelings are always extreme.  I don't always notice how I feel until I feel in an extreme way and I blamed myself for being on the spectrum for not fighting as I wanted, for stopping me from escaping and taking away those moments I usually enjoy so much.   It was my fault because I had Asperger's and those issues were there because of that - which doesn't make sense but gives an indication of how extreme I felt.

Of course as well there were the social things to deal with too.  I love my team, who did amazingly well bringing back around 40 medals between 22 of us, and I do feel part of my team but when it comes to the social stuff I sometimes feel like a complete idiot.  It's hard to sit and not know how to get involved.  The fact I don't drink probably makes it a little harder.  At the after party again I hated I had Asperger's, like nobody liked me because of that - which is of course stupid but that's just how I feel sometimes because I'm frustrated and I feel like the odd one out.  The social stuff was harder because everything else had been harder.

Anyone who has heard me speak or who has had a conversation with me about Asperger's will know that I am entirely positive about who I am and that having Asperger's is part of that - so you know things were bad if I'm saying I hate myself because I have Asperger's right?  Any parent of a kid with Asperger's who has said this will know those are some hard feelings to be dealing with and I still am now.  It won't last long, it never does but it does happen and I can't not be open about those feelings now because these moments make me who I am too and if I hide them doesn't that make me ashamed of them?  I'm not infallible, I'm not perfect and I don't have all the answers - I have to show both the good and the bad.  On returning from Italy I had lost sight of my achievement and I couldn't recognise that I did well to get through the week but I do now.  Now two weeks on I'm still drained, exhausted and feeling the impact of the travel, the tough week and the months of preparation.  I'm struggling to adjust to a life without the focus of the world championships and to be social again after a week spent pushed to the limits of social interaction.  I've been quiet and withdrawn - this is not me ignoring people, I'm just too worn out to cope with people.  I'm proud to be a three times world champion but I'm also tired and not feeling my best.  This is all part of me and part of living with Aspergers and that's why I had to share this. 

Once again I'm really grateful to all those who supported me in getting to this competition and those who supported me once out there in whatever capacity.  That support means a lot to me and is crucial.  I love to compete on this stage and some of the challenges I faced are always there and expected but this time I struggled more with the process as there were some additional challenges I didn't expect or foresee.  This is all part of life and learning and I have chosen to write this because being on the spectrum it is important to me to bring awareness to issues like these that might otherwise not be seen.  Just because they are not as visible it doesn't mean they aren't there.  I want to congratulate all my team mates on their success too and to thank my husband for keeping it all together for me that week.

I've been a little quiet...World Championships

I have been a little quieter than I would have hoped to be but there are two big reasons for this.  The first has been that over September I started writing a book, so all my writing efforts seem to have been concentrated there!  I am just over half way through now with just over 30000 words written and I haven't been writing every day.  Really excited about getting it finished now, it has opened up a lot of things that I experienced before and brought a lot of memories back - some good and some not so but overall the process has been quite therapeutic for me. 

The other thing that has been dominating a lot of my time and energy has been preparing for the World Championships.  And it is nearly here!  In the early hours of Monday morning we set off for Taranto, Italy to compete.

It has been a long and intense training camp.  I have had some little set backs along the way both in terms of injury and also some Asperger's related issues.  It has been tiring.  My ability to focus on other things always seems to be greatly compromised when I am in training like this.  I don't connect as well with the people in my life and they start to feel neglected.  It is also more difficult to manage all the different roles I fulfil such as with my business, so my social media presence has also been less over this period.  I don't feel like I ever get the time to sit and talk to people either online or offline.

But I have enjoyed every second of training and felt alive.  Well aside from not having certain things in my diet but that's just part of the game.  I know for sure that when we come back from Italy I will have a big gap in my life where training was and all my team mates that I have seen practically every day for the last few months.  These training camps are something bigger, the bond between all of us grows so strong even though we compete as individuals.  We all share a common goal, a common love and passion for our sport.

We had a little run out a couple of weeks ago at the FSK British Championships where we were given itineraries and our new kit for the Worlds.  I won my category in spite of some major sensory struggles that day.  I almost thought at one point that I may not be fighting but managed to hold it together enough to compete.  It has been a long time since I have felt it that badly in a competition environment and I knew once I fought I would feel at least marginally better.  I might have felt awful off the mat but fighting I felt great, better than I have for a long time.

And now a week before we set off to Italy, I know I have done all I can.  I am as fit as I could get through my training, I'm in as good condition as possible and I am ready - mentally and physically.  It won't be easy, it never is but I have trained for this, my whole team has trained for this and now this moment is ours to enjoy, relish and look back on over years to come.  To be able to say we did it, we trained hard and loved every moment because win or lose this is what it is all about.  And no matter where we are in the world, what we do, what we achieve or whether our futures see us all together again, for this moment now we are a team, we are as one and we are experiencing this together.  Let's do this team BCKA and show the world who we are.

I have had so much help and support into getting where I am now from all kinds of different professionals in helping me prepare and also in many kind people helping me raise the funds and donating to the cause to be able to do this.  To all of you, whatever role you have played, thank you from the bottom of my heart.