tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47256182596754511062024-03-05T13:33:50.529+00:00Jo Redman - My Life with Asperger'sI am a kickboxing world champion who has Asperger's Syndrome. I want to show through my sport that people with Asperger's can be successful and also to promote awareness and more importantly understanding of Asperger's Syndrome - starting with this blog.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.comBlogger28125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-15388248726724810482015-02-06T01:03:00.002+00:002015-02-06T01:06:33.671+00:00App Review - Carezone<div style="text-align: justify;">
I am going to start my app review with an app called <a href="https://carezone.com/home" target="_blank">Carezone</a>. I can't even remember how I came across Carezone, it wasn't an app or type of app I was specifically looking for but some of the things I specifically find difficult are regarding the management of my health, remembering to take medication and generally knowing where to find information. I had got to this point where information around my health was stored in all these various places - electronic files, filing cabinets, admin trays and keeping track of all the different professionals and people involved and also determining who could help me with different aspects of managing my care was really stressful. So when I came across Carezone I thought it was worth investigating.</div>
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Carezone is free to sign up for and is designed to enable you manage the different aspects of caring for someone. You can manage multiple profiles so while it has its merits for myself, for a parent of children with additional needs it could be really useful particularly because it also enables you to share Carezone profiles which then makes it easier to co-ordinate care. You can use it on your desktop computer, tablet and smartphone and all information syncs together. </div>
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So why do I think Carezone is useful, what does it actually do? </div>
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How you make use of the features of Carezone is up to you but here is a run through of what I use each feature for and what the potential for use could be:</div>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">Profiles / Carezone - for each person you care for you can create a profile or carezone which keeps information about their care needs (detailed below). These can be shared with whomever you choose on an individual basis and you can also restrict specific information for privacy if necessary. So I have a profile for myself and I also set one up for my dog to keep all his information together and so far I have shared both of these profiles with my husband so he can see what is going on without me having to tell him. In the future I can share my profile with friends or family as necessary and also with support workers - depending on whether they chose to use this app. </li>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">Journals - each Carezone has its own journals and I have found this really useful. Having just started ADHD medication and having difficulty with sleep I have set myself a reminder with a question about how my concentration has been and how my sleep has been. By being prompted to record this information it means when I see the specialist I am able to give a better account of how well it has been going since last time. I also update my journal with information about appointments I have had which helps me to process what happened, it also tells my husband what happened if he didn't go with me so he doesn't have to ask he gets an email notifying him I have updated my journal. He finds this really useful as I really struggle to remember to or actually communicate things to him. He is also able to enter a journal entry about any behaviour or event he is worried about and he can make comments on my journal entries. So for parents this could be good to update how their child has been with the other parent or a carer to add input or their observations. And then a record is being created of events which can be helpful in identifying triggers or patterns to behaviour. If a carer has access to the Carezone they can provide updates on behaviour etc or school updates can be copy and pasted into journals to keep all that information on behavioural patterns and challenges in one place, easily accessible and evidence to pass onto medical professionals. Updates can also be privately shared with specific people on a post by post basis.</li>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">Contacts - this is straightforward, this is a list of relevant contacts for that person's care. You can import these from your phone contacts or add them in manually. This is useful for me because I struggle to contact health professionals so I have to ask someone else to do this for me. This means I am forever, even to my husband, having to find the telephone number or address to pass on. Now they are all in one place and better still my husband doesn't need to ask, he can go into the profile and find the information himself - this means one less task for me and that makes a difference. For a parent it can be useful depending on how organised you manage to be, how often do you need to contact someone and then spend ages trying to find out the telephone number or details - to have it all in one place with nothing else to scroll through is certainly an advantage.</li>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">Medications - the medications feature is great and the more medication that needs to be managed the more useful it is. Carezone helps you to keep an up to date list of the medication you need to take and how often. Medications can be input manually or you can take photos of the label and it will take the information from here. Once you have input your medication and how regularly you need to take it Carezone creates a schedule. You can set reminders to take medication and also reminders to request and collect repeat prescriptions. You can make note of who prescribed the medication and where you get it from and you can also keep log of medications that you no longer take. The schedule enables you to record which medication you take, this is useful for showing missed doses and also how often you have needed to take PRN medication. You could combine this with a journal entry explaining why you took PRN medication to help build a story to feedback to your doctor. But what else this section does is enable you to print off or share medication lists with various levels of detail and medical information cards stating what medication you take in case of emergency. These lists could be shared if your child or the person you care for is staying with a relative or on a residential trip and again could help to save you time writing out and filling in information.</li>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">Calendar - each Carezone profile has its own calendar. This can be added as a calendar onto your device or shared with someone via email. All medical appointments can be added onto this calendar and alerts can be programmed. I don't use this calendar to remind me of appointments or events and I don't use the alerts because I use the calendar on my iPhone. But the Carezone calendar has an important use for my care. I need to be accompanied to medical appointments because I struggle to communicate and understand without support. Carezone lets you assign a calendar event to someone or select that you need a volunteer. So how I use this is that I input appointments I need help with and I assign someone, for example if I know my husband can take me I assign him and he gets an email telling him he has been assigned an event and he gets a reminder. If he can't go with me I select "needs a volunteer" and then all those I have shared my Carezone with get an email telling them I need help and giving details of the appointment and this email will be sent daily until someone is assigned. So currently it reminds my husband he needs to help me work out how these appointments will be managed. Appointments are stressful for me to organise. Carezone also automatically inputs onto the calendar when repeat prescriptions are needed with an alert.</li>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">To-Dos - this to-do list is very simplistic. It doesn't enable deadlines but similar to the calendar above it allows you to assign to someone or request a volunteer. I currently use it to assign to my husband the things I need him to do on my behalf for my care, things like contacting health professionals. This helps me because I don't have to wait until I see him or to hassle him with messages, I can add it onto the list and assign it to him and he then gets emails. He said this works better for him because he can check it later and add it onto his own to do list and plan it in. Also if I need help with a task I can select "needs a volunteer" which means the email goes out telling those who have access to my Carezone I need help. This would give a good overview of what needs to be done to parents sharing care of their child or anyone caring for another family member.</li>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">Notes - this is just straightforward, any notes on any information such as instructions on dealing with specific behaviours, references to anything you need to remember such as insurance numbers or anything else. On my dog's profile I have a note with his microchip number in and things like that. These notes can be made private or shared only with specific people.</li>
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<li style="text-align: justify;">Photos & Files - you can upload photos and files about the person being cared for. I have uploaded my diagnostic assessment reports, I have a letter from my GP regarding my difficulties in airports, files with plans about what to do in emergencies and letters about my care. These photos and files can be made private or shared only with specific people. From a perspective of if at some stage I shared access to my Carezone with a support worker this could be helpful in terms of reference for them if something went wrong being able to access my plans and information files on the go.</li>
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Carezone also gives you articles and news on subjects you highlight as an interest ie specific medical conditions. You can set the app to be protected by a passcode and set how you wish to receive notifications. I use Dropbox for files and also Evernote for jotting down thoughts and ideas etc and Carezone is like a more streamlined and medical equivalent to these applications but with additional, useful features specific to co-ordinating and managing the care of someone else. So far I have found it really useful and it gives me a sense of control and order surrounding managing all the appointments I have been having. My husband has also found it useful in keeping up to date with what has been happening and how situations have been changing - he has a much better idea about how I am feeling or coping on a day to day basis. </div>
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From my perspective as an adult who has diagnoses of Asperger's and ADHD and needs support to manage medication and health it has been very useful in making sure I am getting the support and communicating the support from and to those who are there to support. So it is useful to adults in similar situations as myself, however I feel that for parents or caregivers of children or of adults who need their care managed for them this app could be of even greater use and benefit if utilised fully. I would advise if you were to use this app that adequate time was spent on setting it up with information and ensuring all those who are involved in providing care were on board and understanding of how it works to ensure maximum benefit.<br />
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For more information on Carezone, <a href="https://carezone.com/home" target="_blank">click here</a> or search in App Store or on android.<br />
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<a href="http://jo-redman.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/app-review.html" target="_blank">Click here for more information on my App Review blogs.</a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-61731062869674905202015-02-05T17:14:00.001+00:002015-02-06T01:07:50.684+00:00App Review<div style="text-align: justify;">
Diagnosis with ADHD last year gave me an explanation as to why even with the knowledge of my Asperger's diagnosis I had been unsuccessful in establishing structures and strategies that enabled me to function fully and get things done. Contrary to popular belief (it seems) many people who have a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome, ADHD or autism spectrum condition do actually want to be as independent as they can be and do as much as they can to "help themselves" - I am one of those people and it just wasn't working for me and I couldn't work out why.</div>
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I am a highly intelligent person but I do struggle significantly with some simple and fundamental activities many take for granted and my writing style gives false impression that such things could not possibly be a challenge for me - things like communication, understanding and adapting to change. I can see the kind of things I need in order to increase my independence but to implement these alone is a cause of great frustration as it just fails for reasons I don't fully understand no matter how hard I "try". </div>
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After the ADHD diagnosis I had a renewed sense of knowing I needed something in place that kept me organised, reminded me of my daily responsibilities and as far as possible aided me in carrying these things out. One of the most useful tools I have is my iPad and iPhone - to me these are not luxury items, they are necessary. Paper organisation systems become overwhelming and get lost. Everything in one place, accessible at any time - out of my head is such an attractive proposition and if you spent any time inside my head you would totally get why.</div>
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So I set about finding apps and tools I felt would be able to help me manage some of the areas I face challenges in to free up my mind to be able to learn and concentrate on skills that were missing. To me this was a logical approach and in the absence of support and guidance from professionals it has been all I have had to go with. I have plans for a whole app based system to help with some of my challenges - this is not fully set up yet so there will be lots to work out to make sure it works as best it can although I know too that this system on its own is only going to be a foundation as on its own it will not be the answer or solution to all the difficulties and challenges I face. </div>
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In the next few blog posts I am intending to cover various different applications I have discovered that may be useful to people who have a diagnosis of autism or ADHD or both and their families. Each app or part of the system I have devised will have its own post and I will update this blog with a content list and link to the blog. I am always on the look out for any apps which may be helpful so please feel free to suggest any in comments. Take from this what you can, different things work for different people and I'm just sharing what I have found in the hope it might help someone else.<br />
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Blog Post 1 - <a href="http://jo-redman.blogspot.co.uk/2015/02/app-review-carezone.html" target="_blank">Carezone - co-ordinate and manage the health and care of yourself and your family</a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-50333168985803807362014-12-23T06:07:00.001+00:002015-01-09T15:28:30.178+00:002014 Review<div style="text-align: justify;">
I had such an incredible 2013, filled with amazing experiences I never imagined I would have. It was always going to be a tough one to follow, but I could never have foreseen how drastically different my 2014 would be. If 2013 is to be described as incredible, well 2014 can only be described as horrific and in this present moment it truly feels as though it has been one of the worst and most painful years of my life....and I have had some pretty tough years! </div>
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2014 has just been one big battle after another, fire fighting problems but never stemming the source or addressing prevention methods. 2013's review focused a lot on all the things I had achieved in sport and in the world of autism. I cannot sit here and write a bleak account on all the failings and pain of this year, in spite of all that I do have some good memories and achievements to reflect upon so this review is completely personal.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2PVxf5rZ9AgLt6YkGiMl3wOV0iv-2efNz41Wgccm9us_Dk8TI97E7BVz_fG1nTskRCKhlnvhmLzHku9Rlo2qXyhqBskXNHXwJUJEmEXjgFJEtQa1ZBJqEaGuL96KD6_hhCwliyziHFTNv/s1600/2014-03-01+16.13.53.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2PVxf5rZ9AgLt6YkGiMl3wOV0iv-2efNz41Wgccm9us_Dk8TI97E7BVz_fG1nTskRCKhlnvhmLzHku9Rlo2qXyhqBskXNHXwJUJEmEXjgFJEtQa1ZBJqEaGuL96KD6_hhCwliyziHFTNv/s1600/2014-03-01+16.13.53.jpg" height="200" width="150"></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ankle Injury March 2014</td></tr>
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I have learnt a lot this year, some good things, some bad, but also a lot about myself. I always knew that I was fighter and that I was a strong person but even so I'm almost surprised that I am still here, still doing this. If you know me you might think you know what I have been through this year or that you have an idea. You don't and it is likely you never will. You can never know what it is like to be told by every mental health service, the specialist team for ADHD & Asperger's and your GP that they cannot help you at your lowest point, when you need them the most. Nor the irony that it was these very services that brought you to this point in the first place. I've had it all - anxiety, stress, depression, a diagnosis of another neurodevelopmental disorder, dealing with longstanding painful issues, financial difficulties, social care assessments, PIP assessments, increased meltdowns and a severe injury. I don't need to elaborate on these, a fair amount of it has been covered in the blog posts I did manage this year. </div>
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I felt as though I hadn't done a lot this year. Sporting wise I was out of action for 4 months and 9 months on from the injury the ankle still isn't right and I am only just starting to rediscover my form as a fighter. I still won a couple of British titles and a silver and bronze at the World Championships which I hadn't been sure I would be able to compete at following both my injury and also the difficulties I had been experiencing with my anxiety. I had explosive meltdowns nearly everyday while away at the World Championships, in the arena, in public areas, with my team and in our hotel room. I was fortunate to be able to attend this competition with the assistance of my sponsors SEN Magazine and Tough Furniture Ltd.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFKXAdOYocLY7D_CuYVAe5dvRDSRudIQYYTBr5jWzqYJvzyQ4GOoqusVQVU3CizUt53TIA8NKvOreJw4TrFQUR5RsaINERcLOwTEhNgexCmIHJgsXXIPCYWta78x6SkrZo9a6l7a_xoKrW/s1600/2014-11-07+16.28.42.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFKXAdOYocLY7D_CuYVAe5dvRDSRudIQYYTBr5jWzqYJvzyQ4GOoqusVQVU3CizUt53TIA8NKvOreJw4TrFQUR5RsaINERcLOwTEhNgexCmIHJgsXXIPCYWta78x6SkrZo9a6l7a_xoKrW/s1600/2014-11-07+16.28.42.jpg" height="180" width="320"></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With the girls from my team at BCKA</td></tr>
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Not being able to train and compete to the best of my ability hurt a lot, it hurt a lot having to have all the time off with the injury. I struggled to be at training and cope with it because what I was capable of doing was different to what I was used to. But even though I wasn't coping myself I was still able to help my team mates. I didn't realise how much so until our Presentation Night when many of them and their parents approached me to thank me for helping to improve their fighting, for my support, advice and help when they had been struggling to cope themselves. I'm proud of myself for being able to and choosing to make a difference to other people even when I am struggling myself. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3eVp2JVImxiADH5L_hH848hTdCQuaNqoHmb6S4KK3v8DTKmpVqExocm2mVR7qRagHBnzZ3IxUtzaUSt_xspXheie3jPXx_P7yp_u6emPW-qoOxLfpidXObf1l51Nny6Rr7edXg2lAGsPW/s1600/2014-08-01+23.05.22.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3eVp2JVImxiADH5L_hH848hTdCQuaNqoHmb6S4KK3v8DTKmpVqExocm2mVR7qRagHBnzZ3IxUtzaUSt_xspXheie3jPXx_P7yp_u6emPW-qoOxLfpidXObf1l51Nny6Rr7edXg2lAGsPW/s1600/2014-08-01+23.05.22.png" height="200" width="136"></a>In the autism world I still managed to do some things. I went to Anna Kennedy Online's Autism's Got Talent, spoke at the Autism Show, spoke at a conference on disability for the Job Centre, spoke at a conference for speech and language therapists, I supported Wear It For Autism and Artists of Autism where I had my own wall about my achievements. My video for the In Good Company project was launched on World Autism Awareness Day, I did a radio interview for BBC Northampton and interviews for Vice Fightland and CNN about achieving in my sport with autism. I also followed up my Asperger's Awareness comic with a comic about <a href="https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10152708742101425.1073741834.673451424&type=1&l=f3eda6e190" target="_blank">Asperger's & Schools</a>. I did assemblies at Baston House School and Green Oaks Primary, as well as being a special guest and keynote speaker at Easton & Otley College prize giving ceremony. I was also honoured by being asked to become a Fighter Ambassador for Fighting For Autism.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcn8sDGtwq3d4DJYbjSi1n0QwCu4t-JEOPNMQKn_fuJ44_Go_7-c_NQgh6EDm3kOObzVlWfAPCFJP2HUTZDg9ClsZDXiLTZmGrzSHPtKTrM0gFQ0FWKhGUzHQ6ZMt8Z5oFb9W-BEdqLowz/s1600/2014-11-30+17.33.43.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcn8sDGtwq3d4DJYbjSi1n0QwCu4t-JEOPNMQKn_fuJ44_Go_7-c_NQgh6EDm3kOObzVlWfAPCFJP2HUTZDg9ClsZDXiLTZmGrzSHPtKTrM0gFQ0FWKhGUzHQ6ZMt8Z5oFb9W-BEdqLowz/s1600/2014-11-30+17.33.43.jpg" height="200" width="150"></a>2014 was also a year where I got my puppy Oscar. Oscar is an awesome dog. He has grown up alongside what has been a tumultuous year for me but he is so intelligent he has learnt a lot from this. Oscar is a great help to me especially as he becomes more mature and calm. He understands when I need him to be there and how he can help when I am stressed or in meltdown. We have become inseparable and I couldn't ask for a better dog.</div>
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I also had two children dress up as me for Sport Relief as their sports hero. A young girl on the autism spectrum called Cherish who I met last year and my little friend Izzy. To have this happen is truly humbling and a great feeling to know that other people look up to me like that.</div>
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Eventually I hope that I can put all the negative feelings and events behind me and remember 2014 for all these amazing things that happened but also as the year that I was blessed with such special friends - Owen, Izzy, Mick & Vicky. They have helped me out looking after Oscar for me while I was fighting in competitions and have all contributed something special to my year. Izzy tells me how awesome I am and the first time I met her she decorated a biscuit for me. Izzy always gives me big hugs and is always making things to give me which I treasure. She is such a sweet, kind and generous little girl who desperately wants to make others happy. I have all the time in the world for Izzy and have loved helping with her homework projects this year. Owen and I are both on the autism spectrum and becoming his friend has been one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. A lot of people don't get him but Owen is an amazing kid you just need to take the time to really see him, there is so much going on with him - he is so intelligent, so caring and has no idea whatsoever how amazing he is. My friendship with Owen has helped me to not feel so different and I hope that I can help him find his way through life in whatever way he needs me to and show him that he can succeed. We have done so many things together this year - painting, film days, swimming, light saber battles, trampolining, kickboxing, football and we have our own special handshake. Owen also did a charity bike ride for Anna Kennedy Online and in preparation we made an awesome promo video. I was very proud of Owen.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and Izzy on my birthday</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRQlOlcP_fit3pYSrLZYu3lT1xd6Yrxx7PZHYCGRK00wj9QBfzQYFqba9jWmRrsGmN7O9OievE0HKMjMehOEoWbemtJ7p1bbDFSiEVwhfwmhfvL2r4W06LsLjd98JYc3D4tJDpuDKmgWbJ/s1600/2014-08-10+14.30.43.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRQlOlcP_fit3pYSrLZYu3lT1xd6Yrxx7PZHYCGRK00wj9QBfzQYFqba9jWmRrsGmN7O9OievE0HKMjMehOEoWbemtJ7p1bbDFSiEVwhfwmhfvL2r4W06LsLjd98JYc3D4tJDpuDKmgWbJ/s1600/2014-08-10+14.30.43.jpg" height="150" width="200"></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and Owen with our painting</td></tr>
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Mick and Vicky have helped me so much this year, they have both taken me to appointments and accept me as I am which I appreciate so much. Vicky was helping me before she even knew me and she still didn't really know me that well but gave me her time and support, not many people would do what she has done for someone they didn't know that well. Some people might say she is crazy but I prefer to recognise that she is just a very special person. As I said I have had to fight battle after battle this year and it has made a huge difference to me to see Vicky there helping me to fight, being my voice when needed and helping me to have and find my own voice. Knowing that there are people like Vicky and Mick around helps me to keep going and I'd like to thank them for being my friends, doing what they can to be there for me and making me feel so valued. Thank you for bringing some good to my 2014.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-87522839855290684942014-11-17T02:27:00.000+00:002014-11-18T22:18:14.516+00:00Anti Bullying Week 2014<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="text-align: justify;">
Last year I wrote a <a href="http://jo-redman.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/anti-bullying-week-autism-awareness.html" target="_blank">shortpiece for Anti Bullying Week</a> and this year I have been asked to do the same. I
have been going through a hard time recently and due to this have been really
struggling, so I didn't think it would be possible to follow up on this. But
due to my own experiences this is something I feel strongly about and I feel
that there is maybe enough energy in me to squeeze something out and hopefully
it will be something more meaningful coming from the place I am at currently. </div>
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In 2013 I concentrated on my
own experiences of bullying interspersed with a message about different forms
of bullying and that if you are being bullied telling someone is the right
thing to do. So this time I want to take a different approach. I don't want you
to feel sorry for me, I don't want you to read this and think 'ah that was a
good post' and then just move on, I want you to read this and not just be
mindful or aware but to make a difference. And we can all make a difference, to
somebody...believe me.</div>
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I often talk about how I grew
up and felt lonely, misunderstood and left out. I share how I struggled to join
in and interact with other people and how that made me feel different which in
turn made me feel not good enough. I talk about how those feelings I already
had were reinforced and made stronger by how I was viewed and subsequently
treated by other people in my life. When I speak or write about these I give
the impression that these are all things of the past, that it isn't like that
anymore and everything now is great. But the truth is it isn't.</div>
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Admittedly a lot has changed.
I have grown and I stand up for myself if someone treats me in a way I don't
like. But my experiences are woven into me, they sneak into my interpretations
of a scenario and influence how I react. And I am still a person who has
autism. I still struggle to relate to, communicate and interact with others. I
still exhibit "different" behaviours and react differently than
others might and consequently still see those "looks". Everyday is
still a battle, not to get through but to get others to "see" me and to
understand why they mostly do not want to. It often feels like a battle that
cannot be won, trying to be what I am not to fit in does not work or make me
happy but I don't get very far just as me. </div>
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But in spite of this, just
being me with the people who are in my life and who do "see" me is
the most wonderful thing ever. After all my experiences acceptance truly is one
of the most amazing things I have felt and I am lucky to know that. Although we
all have the right to acceptance and to be loved for the very person we are,
many are not. Unfortunately it seems that there is a big problem in society in
that we are not taught to embrace difference but are actually conditioned to be
fearful of it.</div>
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I often wish vehemently that I
was different, that I was more like everybody else and within the context of
this piece that evokes deep feelings of sadness inside me. That somebody who
does their best to tell and make others feel that it is ok to be who they are
does not feel the same way about themselves. That deep down after all the
declarations of "I am who I am", I still feel that that is not good
enough. Maybe this is the voice of my current struggles and the fight I am
in right now but even so I don't want to think these things anymore. I don't
want to think it is wrong to be me, I don't want to feel that being different makes me come up lacking something - I don't want to keep wishing I didn't have autism or ADHD just
because I think that if I didn't people would like me more or want to spend
more time with me and would ultimately accept me. These thoughts are a waste of time and simply not true.</div>
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During Anti Bullying Week I am
sure there will be a lot of focus on the act of bullying, the impact of
bullying and how to deal with bullying. So I would like to remind you now about
the power you hold, the power of your words, of your actions. Not just in
standing against bullying or to deter you from potentially being a bully but also in how you can make someone feel valued, accepted and worthwhile. Reach
out to those you may usually pass over and include them, however painful it may
be to you it is likely to be a lot less painful than the feeling of exclusion.
Embrace difference - don't be fearful of it, different minds are responsible
for much of the things you take for granted today. Most importantly spread and embody love and
acceptance, we find ourselves in a time where these things are called for more
than ever. Always be the difference.</div>
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<b>"The surest way to corrupt a youth is
to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who
think differently." Friedrich Nietzsche<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyqcnaw5-bqDPIoQ5-k0riXHdGCKL_iaLDmJkzd7fVTwDzv4TRPY5KrT3b_pW4iTYaTzjMD8pJ29A5c2bQfRIxOM7WHDszxsEa1Q88GNy3hlowRzCBggK5fAcjo_vnv7z1_4-f7qbflEBG/s640/blogger-image--527913114.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyqcnaw5-bqDPIoQ5-k0riXHdGCKL_iaLDmJkzd7fVTwDzv4TRPY5KrT3b_pW4iTYaTzjMD8pJ29A5c2bQfRIxOM7WHDszxsEa1Q88GNy3hlowRzCBggK5fAcjo_vnv7z1_4-f7qbflEBG/s640/blogger-image--527913114.jpg"></a></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-24276325401868609282014-10-31T10:00:00.001+00:002014-10-31T10:05:02.753+00:00I'm Off To The World ChampionshipsMost people might probably assume that in my sport fighting for a world title is just literally getting on the mat and fighting at the tournament. Others who are involved or give it a little more consideration might probably determine that the fight starts in training - in getting fit, sharpening techniques, eating the right food, physically preparing yourself to do it , mentally preparing yourself. They might be right but my world title fight has been going on a lot longer than that. <div><br></div><div>It's no secret that I have had a really tough year, my lack of usual communication on social media and blogs are huge clues.<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> But this post isn't to tell you about that nor is it to outline all the things that are an obstacle. </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Some might often wonder why I am so open about my difficulties but the reason is that if I don't speak up about them then how will anyone know? Why should people know? Because there are lots of people in the world like me but who might struggle to speak up when they need to - I speak up so they see how to or possibly don't need to because a little consideration of another's differences can go a long long way. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">The reason for this post is so that I can say thank you to those who have helped me get to this point. Who have supported me to get through each struggle life has thrown at me this year. There have been so many points this year where I thought I would not be able to attend for various reasons even up to recently, some of these were practical reasons such as money, others have been internal battles with my anxiety levels. Nevertheless I am here and as ready as I can be so here are my shout outs:</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">First off my sponsors - SEN Magazine and Tough Furniture Ltd. I would not be competing without these. I have been incredibly lucky to find sponsors, funding competitions has always been difficult for me as I require a lot of support to travel and cope with being away which means paying for another person to accompany me. That creates a lot of stress when it is already a stretch to cover your own costs. So thank you to SEN Magazine and Tough Furniture Ltd for your contribution, also thank you to everybody who donated to my fund page and my parents for their support. Every contribution has helped so much and I am really grateful.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Next I want to thank my team at BCKA and my coach Alex Barrowman. I have not always been easy to have around this year. It might have been confusing to see my change in behaviour. I couldn't get to every training session. There has been so much happening for me outside of training and a big injury to deal with, my anxiety levels and stress have been intense and escalated with matching behaviour. I haven't always engaged with you. I know it can seem strange and difficult to understand so thank you for your patience with me. Thank you Alex for helping to make things as easy as possible for me at training and making sure I am safe during meltdown. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Thank you to Christian Baker for kindly giving me your time over the last two weeks. Chris is a talented hypnotherapist and performance coach. With all the ongoing stresses in my life currently regarding my ADHD diagnosis and treatment and getting more support in place for autism, my anxiety and stress have been at an all time high. I have difficulty switching my mind to what it needs to focus on and Chris has helped me with strategies to manage my anxiety. Through this year and all the stress I have forgotten who I am and Chris has gone some way in helping me to remember and feel like myself again. I feel as though Chris gets me where specialists seem to fail.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I also suffered a severe injury earlier this year which put me out of full training and sparring for four months. In order to get myself ready physically for this event and rehab my ankle effectively I have had the support of Sharon Morrow of New Dimensions Fitness. Sharon has had to endure my mood swings, frustration and reluctance to complete exercises but we have got there as much as possible. I do not have the concentration to do exercises on my own currently so her help has been invaluable in getting the ankle as good as it can be. Sharon has been very good to me and I am really grateful for all her support with my weight loss too. I am also grateful to all the medical professionals who have helped with my ankle rehab (except the NHS physio who just discharged me with no instruction) there are too many to list.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Coming to the end now where it is more personal I guess. Adam and Oscar. Unless you live with a person who has autism and ADHD you will not understand what it is like for Adam. My behaviour has been erratic, my moods have been difficult to understand and decipher. Half of the time he's not sure what's going on, the other half he has no idea. If I decide something has to be done then it has to be done. My anxiety has been so intense and my behaviour so unpredictable that Adam has had to take me to every training session, he is tired and stressed and probably at breaking point a lot but he still does it. If you are a parent you don't have a lot of choice when it comes to supporting your child but as a partner there is choice and that is what makes Adam special. Thank you Adam for helping me get to training, helping me plan out going away, helping me communicate what I need and supporting me through the processes. I would not be without my Oscar now, he has been witness to a lot of anxiety, meltdowns and volatile behaviour. He has begun to understand it now and he really does look after me. Having Oscar around makes me feel calm and loved. He is the best puppy I could ever wish for.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Lastly I want to thank my friend Vicky. I am so lucky to have a friend like you. You have supported me through everything this year and made sure people listen. You still think it is nothing but to me it could never be nothing. Thank you for everything. Thank you for your help this week with my medical appointments, for making sure I got my ankle looked at and explaining and supporting me through the process, for the lengths you went to in arranging the assistance and support I need at the airport and that I understood what would happen. Thank you for your support with my social worker, with chasing up the ADHD team, chasing up the doctors, with the ADHD diagnosis, for listening to me and explaining things that I find confusing. Thank you for looking after Oscar when I am away, it makes me feel more relaxed knowing that he will get lots of cuddles and have lots of fun with your family. There is so much more to add but more than I could possibly fit. Mostly though thank you for being you and for being my friend.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I travel to the World Championships in the early hours of tomorrow morning. Who knows what will happen there but I have fought so hard to get to this point now that regardless of that I am a winner. After the year I have had to just be standing means I have won. I am a fighter and I know what it takes to be a champion - I never give up and I will give nothing less than everything I have.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Links</span></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">SEN Magazine - www.senmagazine.co.uk</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Tough Furniture - www.toughfurniture.com</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">BCKA - www.bckakickboxing.com</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">Christian Baker - www.christianbaker.net</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif">New Dimensions Fitness - www.newdimensionsfitness.co.uk</font></div><div><font face="Helvetica Neue Light, HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif"><br></font></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-21147085086408058342014-09-09T01:10:00.001+01:002014-09-09T20:02:47.960+01:00The Follow UpI am writing this post in follow up to my previous blog post "Services for people with autism and ADHD are not good enough", I had always intended to write a follow up and did start this a week ago but was so angry that I just had to stop. <div><br></div><div>My previous post outlined the way things had been dealt with following my diagnosis of ADHD and after much pushing and pushing things have moved on a little although I <i style="font-weight: bold;">still </i>do not know what <i style="font-weight: bold;">exactly </i>happens and how long it all kind of takes. You will understand this is quite a big thing if you have an understanding of autism. </div><div><br></div><div>When I refer to stress and anxiety sometimes it is unclear what I mean, I guess stress and anxiety, like depression, are words that have been devalued to an extent or at very least are not strong enough to describe what I feel. My stress and anxiety are constantly pretty high. Everything I enjoy and want to do causes me stress. I'm anxious everyday but presently it is like I am walking along a narrow path on the edge of a cliff, constantly ready to tip over. I am explosive. It was only last week I had a meltdown because my phone wouldn't charge, it totally came out of nowhere and there was no stopping it. By meltdown I don't just mean an "arrrgggghhhh" moment, I mean break things, throw things, out of control. And as an adult I usually cope with stuff like that fine, it is not something which would usually result in that type of behaviour but my anxiety and stress are so high that it<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> does right now. I am currently living life on the edge with fear and worry that I could lose it at any time and the biggest contributory factor to my life being like this is how the follow up support from my ADHD diagnosis has been handled.</span></div><div><br></div><div>There is a lot to cover here and I'm not covering this just to moan, I will be taking appropriate action, nor am I covering it to show people "how difficult my life is" as I know we all have our own significant challenges, autism, ADHD or not. But it is important that I do this and the reason behind that I will make clear.</div><div><br></div><div>I mentioned in my last blog post that I was diagnosed with ADHD on the 7th July. I was given great feedback and explanation on why a diagnosis had been made and was applicable. I was given timescales for follow up sessions to help me understand and manage my condition. I was told certain things would happen. These things did not happen, the timescales have all passed and I am still waiting, totally unsure of what is going on. With services like these I do expect a wait, it is not ideal, at this stage it can't be ideal - I don't expect perfection. But I do expect professionals to do what they say will, <i style="font-weight: bold;">when </i>they say they will. That <i style="font-weight: bold;">is important</i> to me. I was diagnosed 7th July but will not have any follow up until mid October - 3 months following diagnosis and I have been struggling significantly for a very long time. I have reached points where I feel there is no hope, no point and that things will never change. Where I feel that I <i style="font-weight: bold;">just don't </i>matter. I have been incredibly vulnerable and empty, just taking up space from one day to the next. Feeling <i style="font-weight: bold;">useless</i>. And that is a horrible feeling. </div><div><br></div><div>It is frustrating waiting so long. It is not good enough to be given a diagnosis and then left for 3 months - those days, weeks and months following such a diagnosis are a very confusing and difficult time where a range of emotions are felt. Or at least it has been for me. But it is not that wait that has been the biggest issue for me, I can cope with waiting when I know how long there is to wait. At this stage now waiting until October is going to be difficult because I have become so fixated on this appointment due to the anxiety that has come about expecting it to be sooner and not knowing when it would be. The biggest issue has been this - <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">when I was diagnosed and the possibility of medication was suggested my concern was, as it is with practically all medications, how would it affect my fighting and sport? Would it have an impact and I do not want to take a risk and start new medications before big competitions, they are too important to me, I have sponsors and if I am not able to give my best and enjoy my training and competitions it significantly affects my well being. </span></div><div><br></div><div>My training and competing to me have always been necessary in managing my frustration and have always been more useful to me than medication. When I was diagnosed it was made clear to the psychologist that I would be training for the world championships from September, to compete in November with a small gap before training for the next international competition started in January. We asked specifically if referral could be made straight away so the stress of waiting for the appointment would be lessened and it would be clear what happens before I start training and needing to focus. We were assured this could happen and would happen, that it would be the next couple of <i style="font-weight: bold;">weeks</i> following the diagnosis. But this has turned into <i style="font-weight: bold;">months</i>. The anxiety of expecting and waiting for a letter everyday that would give you an appointment to discuss medication that it has taken you a lot to agree to be open to has been immeasurable. I can't cope with the simple stuff anymore, I struggle to attend my training sessions alone and I have missed a few training sessions due to meltdowns and severe anxiety. I have not slept before 4am in over a week <i style="font-weight: bold;">and </i>I am supposed to be training for and focusing on winning a world title. I will be fighting for a world title a couple of weeks after this appointment for medication that I am incredibly stressed and anxious about happens and after making it very clear I did not want to be in that situation it is making me feel so angry that it is exactly the situation I now have to cope with.</div><div><br></div><div>But that's not all. My stress and anxiety got so bad that I went to see my GP, where I found out that my GP (as of 28th August) had no knowledge of my ADHD diagnosis. I don't think they were even aware I had been referred for diagnosis. They were also not aware of significant situations which had occurred recently due to my anxiety and level of stress. At a time when I have been at my most <i style="font-weight: bold;">vulnerable</i>, my GP has been completely in the dark and I have been unsupported. How does this happen? My GP was just as shocked and appalled by this as I was and has since spent time chasing up and trying to find out from all the involved services just what is going on. But most <i style="font-weight: bold;">importantly</i> because my GP was unaware of what was going on they could not help me. </div><div><br></div><div>What more could there be? It almost seems how much can a person be let down and failed? Just a few weeks before the psychologist I see for support with Aspergers was due to leave, they decide it actually might be a good idea to tell me! And right up until our final appointment (8th Sept) it still wasn't clear what would happen after she left. There is still so much work to be done and I feel as though realistically <i style="font-weight: bold;">nothing</i> has improved since we started working together. No options on what could happen next were presented, how can I make a decision if I don't know what is on offer? </div><div><br></div><div>The whole service has left me feeling completely baffled. These are the people who are <i style="font-weight: bold;">supposed</i> to understand autism and be able to support me but they have made me feel alone, added to my stress and anxiety and essentially made life worse. There is still so much uncertainty around what happens next with the work I was doing with the psychologist and following the ADHD diagnosis. I have very nearly given up and all I want is something very simple, just to live my life as fully as possible. I want the basics. I want to cope with day to day life better.</div><div><br></div><div>My experiences with services concern me. I have had awful experiences with mental health services, employment services and I also now have bad experiences with services which specialise in autism and ADHD. Am I that difficult to help or that complex? I'm not sure that I am. These experiences feel awful to me, they have made me think and feel things that no service should make a person feel. And I know I am not the only one. This is why I must share these experiences. I have got to where I am through sheer grit and determination, I have dragged myself through things that many wouldn't and I have achieved amazing things. I am lucky I could do that, for whatever reason I have managed to do it the one reason that is missing is because I was supported adequately by services. I was diagnosed with Aspergers in 2010 and to this date have had no official support with strategies for managing and minimising the associated challenges. I have had to create my own. </div><div><br></div><div>Through social media it is easier now to see more of what others go through and I see a lot everyday of people going through things similar to myself. I have friends of all ages who experience this stuff too - so just what is going on? It tears me up and breaks me to see what my friends go through. To see them unsupported like me, to see them struggle and suffer like me, to see the impact it has on them. The lack of understanding, the lack of support, the insufficient and inadequate service provision is just not good enough - it must change. There must be more passion to help those like myself, these services aren't even getting the basics right - they aren't getting the structure, environments or the communication right, they aren't defining processes, or making it easier for us to process information. The way they run their services seems to just make it harder for them to provide a better service. </div><div><br></div><div>The way things are is damaging. For people of my age it is bad, it is frustrating and difficult to change. But for children and younger people it is damaging - they have a chance that is being reduced and removed by those that are supposed to support them. In some of my blogs I have spoken about how I underachieved at school and didn't reach my potential because I was undiagnosed and unsupported. But now I see that there are those <b><i>with</i></b> a diagnosis that are unsupported, given up on and who through having a diagnosis are made to feel even more different and through the negative experiences they have naturally conclude that means they are not good enough. I see so many negative attitudes about helping those less fortunate than ourselves unless it involves tipping a bucket of ice over your head and donating a few quid to a big charity that pays their CEOs an obscene salary. I have a disability, I have dual diagnosis, I am physically able and my challenges are not obvious but I struggle significantly in my day to day living everyday - I don't have the money to donate a few quid to big charities but I give my time to others as much as I can around my commitments. </div><div><br></div><div>I try to bridge the gap in understanding between those who have autism and those who do not as much as is possible from my own experiences. I try to support my friends going through their own difficult experiences caused by autism. I try to help younger people with autism and without autism see the good in themselves, to inspire confidence in them and to provide any support I can to make their life better, so they do not feel alone. I might have my struggles but I do as much as I can to help knowing it will never be enough. As a society we must stop tearing other people down and start building them up, start inspiring confidence in others and understanding difference - we are all different. Services should be there to build us up not bring us down.</div><div><br></div><div>Now I have written this post tearing into services but it is needed because attitudes within services need to change. However<span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> as much as I am doing that here my many suggestions for improvement will be made in an appropriate way but for those suggestions to be taken on board, the failures and the impact of those failures must too be highlighted.</span></div>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-39609164585373026052014-08-25T22:38:00.000+01:002014-08-25T23:05:34.092+01:00Services for people with Autism & ADHD are not good enough<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have been quiet for a little while and I guess this is kind of why - services for people with Autism & ADHD are not good enough. One of the things I say is that I have a voice and I want to be heard...well I don't feel like my voice is being heard much less <i><b>listened</b></i> to right now so here I am and here is this post. I feel there is this assumption that as I have autism what could I possibly know about what is good for me and what I need? That is how I feel and I need to get this out here and now.</div>
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I feel powerless. Totally and utterly <i><b>powerless</b></i>. And writing this post is evoking extreme emotions I am unable to rationalise or fully express. I am now 28 years old and I have finally just been diagnosed with ADHD, a few years following my diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. But I'm no different to the person I have always been...except now I know. I am told I should take delight and pride in my achievement, that it is much greater because I grew up with undiagnosed autism <i><u><b>and</b></u></i> ADHD, battling against each other. And I didn't come out too badly so all is well - but is it? Is it ok that I struggled horrifically, <i><b>invisibly</b></i>, to get to where I am now? And if I got here by the skin of my teeth, if I <b><i>just managed</i></b> to get here well what else could I have done with some support? What is there in me that remains locked, untapped, untouched, unused, wasted? </div>
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My 20s have not been typical - I didn't go to festivals, clubs, on holidays with friends, travelling. I haven't had those types of carefree experiences, these years have been heavy, fraught with struggles, my experiences included mental health services, crisis intervention, diagnostic assessments and psychology appointments - if you are able to look in from the outside and be dismissive you have no idea how lucky you are that you do not have to understand or experience this. When I transitioned into adulthood it was like turning up to climb Everest with the equipment to go scuba diving - I had to improvise, I had to be resourceful and when you grow up undiagnosed you certainly know how to be resourceful. I am a master at resourceful, at blending, at hiding the fact that I don't understand what you are saying or doing. My life growing up was about masking all the things that made me different. My 20s and the demands of adulthood have brought me to my knees but they haven't been entirely without success. I have still done and achieved things that not many would and maybe it is these things which are part of the problem I have now.</div>
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Services for people with Autism & ADHD are not good enough. As much as I have been theorising about if I had had extra support with an earlier diagnosis, it is entirely possible that if I had been diagnosed as a child that things would have been no different. My childhood might have been a completely different kind of battle with services. But I couldn't imagine the diagnosis or knowledge making any difference and that is wrong because it should, it <b><i>really</i></b> should. If we can't get it right for children, how can we get it right for adults? It is all hypothetical of course, I could never know what life would be if I had been diagnosed earlier and I can't change it, but life as someone with a late diagnosis - well I have gotten by but things steadily deteriorated. I have been unable to sustain and maintain the sheer effort required for that <b><i>base</i></b> level of living and certainly not on my own. I'm talking the <i><b>basics</b></i>. I have never been independent as an adult. The older I got the more burnt out I felt, the less I have been able to cope with. Struggles I have which aren't visible because they aren't understandable. How could I do that fine then but not now? Why was that possible then but not now? How come you couldn't do it yesterday but today you can? You coped well before, you won a kickboxing world title, you did a speech to all those people - you're so focused and driven - you don't need help, how could you be struggling? <i><b>But I am</b></i>.</div>
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I was diagnosed with ADHD on the 7th July and my diagnosis didn't come about through just waking up one morning and thinking 'hey maybe I have ADHD, maybe I should see if I can get a diagnosis for the fun of it' - I never ever imagined ADHD would apply to me. It has been an explanation of a set of longstanding problems and difficulties I have experienced and the diagnosis has brought with it more frustration - life with ADHD does not feel fun. I was diagnosed by the ADHD & Asperger's team - so they should understand Asperger's and I thought that the assessment would be as hard as it got, (the assessment did not take into account that I had Asperger's which made it tougher to go through). But we are approaching the end of August now and I feel as though I have been forgotten. On the day I was given my diagnosis there was so much information to take in, first the information about why they were giving me the diagnosis and then the what happens next. I simply do not have the ability to process that amount of information presented verbally and nothing has been followed up in writing aside from the sheet of paper presented to me with a list of books about ADHD on it and this is incredibly disappointing especially as I was told to expect a letter within a couple of weeks confirming my diagnosis. My concentration and attention has been so bad lately I don't think I could sit and read a book. I have been trying to ascertain what is going on and when all the things they told me would have happened by now are going to happen. It is confusing. Why would they say it is going to happen within a timescale that it wouldn't? Have I just been forgotten? Of course I understand the limited resource and associated wait but at least is there not any indication because I <i><b>need</b></i> to know these things or I become crippled by anxiety - and sadly this has happened. Life is constant confusion.</div>
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Is any of this good enough? Should it just be accepted and what can be done about it? I was taught many years ago that you have no right to complain if you are not going to do anything about it - accept it or change it. So what is the plan here? While I am faced with this agonising wait for a follow up to this diagnosis, for discussion about medication - how can I make my life better for a start because that is what I was referred for some 9 months ago now. How can I begin to make sense of this when I don't have the tools or support to understand it? I have been placated with 'hang in there, what is waiting a few more months when you have always had to cope with this' - seriously?! But maybe there is some truth in this. In the grand scheme of things what am I? Just another patient, client, statistic - part of somebody's job that they can pack up and go home from at 5pm...but this IS my LIFE and my life runs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So what is there left to do but be resourceful and try and figure it out on my own...which is great I know <i><b>exactly </b></i>what I need in place contrary to popular belief but if I could act to put all these things in place on my own then why would I need the support in the first place? Maybe I wouldn't even have the diagnoses I have now. And the frustration caused by knowing what I need but being unable to implement it is undescribable.</div>
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And this is not the only experience I could describe, to describe them all would take me beyond a reasonable length for this post but at the moment it is the most pertinent. I was diagnosed with Asperger's in 2010 and now in 2014 have only just been made aware of what support I could and should be getting. After more years of stress and anxiety trying to just get on with it, being let down. I have had services apologise that they cannot help me but thanked me for teaching them about autism. I have been told by services that were there to help me with employment that they were used to working with people who were more disabled than me so this should be easy <i><b>before</b></i> they had even sat me down for our first meeting - and they <i><b>failed</b></i>. If I was so easy to support, why did they fail? I sensed all they were interested in was signing off their paperwork and closing their cases rather than supporting me to get where I wanted to be and into what was right for me. I am a person, I am complex and intelligent with feelings. I want to contribute and be part of society but I feel disconnected and isolated. I want the chance to show what I am capable of and to be supported in that but instead I feel less and worthless. Forgotten.</div>
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And the saddest thing is my experiences are not the only ones, nor are they the worst. Things can be a lot lot worse and in all honesty I haven't been able to explain my experiences in their entirety, some of it is too painful and upsetting. But sadder still is that these are the experiences that children are having and using to form an opinion about their disability with - as an adult doing the same I must end this post with the quote "it is easier to build up a child than to repair an adult". Services for people with Autism & ADHD are not good enough - it is obvious that a major issue lies within funding but for this to change there needs to be awareness and understanding in the right places. And how do we achieve that?</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-5177458528322618272014-08-15T21:37:00.000+01:002014-08-16T11:58:53.079+01:00Sponsors for 2014 - SEN Magazine & Tough Furniture Ltd<div style="text-align: justify;">
2014 has been very difficult for me. It has been a year with challenges everywhere I turn - I have had significant injuries, a diagnosis of ADHD and a lot more in between. One thing that has been consistent with other years though has been the need and battle to find funding for my sport, in particular the World Championships. I had hoped to raise the money bit by bit over the course of the year but circumstances meant this was not possible, instead I had a lot of stress over the last month or two trying to find what to me is such a large sum of money.</div>
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I wrote to companies and appealed over social media through my Go Fund Me page and the response from friends and followers in sharing my fund page and offers to help me find a sponsor were simply amazing. I am lucky to have and know such kind and caring people and I'd like to thank you all now for your efforts.</div>
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Fortunately I have managed to find sponsorship and it has relieved such a huge amount of stress. I have always found it so hard to find sponsors so to have people come forward and offer to sponsor me has just been so unbelievable and I really hope that I do not let them down. So I wanted to take the time to announce my sponsors and explain a little about what they do.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIGD86kIHrDv8xrBvlBSQcQzMQu8PniSCG8zOi0l0fIbZgUypqQhIIL09nZ1Bmhts15cZ8O63_6mDab_rPg6lqOPyH-6TkHx3paxzKa0BPJoU8mq3ef8jupAr5wE0khtYj8YUYeejq2MPE/s1600/SEN-logo-vector.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIGD86kIHrDv8xrBvlBSQcQzMQu8PniSCG8zOi0l0fIbZgUypqQhIIL09nZ1Bmhts15cZ8O63_6mDab_rPg6lqOPyH-6TkHx3paxzKa0BPJoU8mq3ef8jupAr5wE0khtYj8YUYeejq2MPE/s1600/SEN-logo-vector.png" height="140" width="200"></a></div>
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<u style="font-weight: bold;">SEN Magazine</u> - www.senmagazine.co.uk</div>
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SEN Magazine is the UK's leading special educational needs magazine which provides inspiring features, the latest news and practical advice on all things SEN. Keep up to date, read articles by SEN experts, share best practice and develop your skills.</div>
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<u style="font-weight: bold;">Tough Furniture Ltd</u> - www.toughfurniture.com</div>
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Tough Furniture - for challenging environments. Tough Furniture are specialists in the supply of attractive, yet very strong furniture, to suit the special needs of challenging environments where abuse, carelessness or challenging behaviour is a problem.</div>
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I am so grateful to both SEN Magazine and Tough Furniture for their support as without it would be impossible for me to fund both myself and the additional supporter that I need to be able to attend. Please follow the links to their websites to find out more about them and like / follow them on facebook. </div>
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Once again thanks to everyone who contributed to my Go Fund Me page. I am still looking for sponsors for the Irish Open next year and UK competitions and raising money to cover my training costs (including remedial treatments) so money contributed so far will go toward my preparation for the World Championships.</div>
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For more information check out my newly updated website www.joredman.com</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-41507769512019632872014-04-10T17:24:00.000+01:002014-04-10T21:24:15.370+01:00My Competitive Strategies<br>
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Strength. What is strength? What does it mean? To me being strong is not hiding your weaknesses, or ignoring them. Rather it is acknowledging that those things are there, accepting and embracing them as part of what makes you who you are and then overcoming that to become all you want to be. To quote Nelson Mandela <b>"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear"</b>. To be afraid but to do it anyway, to succeed anyway, that is strength. </div>
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We all have these situations where we fear something, we fear being different, fear failure, fear being great - there is always something. I fear not reaching my potential, wasting my life and time, not being understood. In fact I also fear the things I do most of the day, feeling anxiety that does not match the importance of the situation. I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety because I feel inadequate when I have to ask why or what you mean. I fear getting it wrong because this has happened so much to me and no matter how much it doesn't get any easier to deal with.</div>
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But I am alive. I am here alongside you, living a life, my life. It is probably not like your life, but who has the exact same life anyway? I am guilty of forgetting that being alive is a wonderful thing no matter how anxious you are, how much you fear or how difficult things seem to be - living is good. I have succeeded at something just because I am here.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkI-aV688CSzJydadNlawJNGQVVataZxvZSne66deFHjTM1ErSLDwyV0UTpw24iXXdKG9B5trGghYrPph4NbH4JvR43erUKE8mszHHDxr6N5b4Da9Dc3tlwdvM8rJttS8CwR6ezCPnb39b/s1600/2013-11-08+10.37.37.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkI-aV688CSzJydadNlawJNGQVVataZxvZSne66deFHjTM1ErSLDwyV0UTpw24iXXdKG9B5trGghYrPph4NbH4JvR43erUKE8mszHHDxr6N5b4Da9Dc3tlwdvM8rJttS8CwR6ezCPnb39b/s1600/2013-11-08+10.37.37.jpg" height="200" width="200"></a>I can only live my life in the way that makes sense to me. And through that I am free and it is ok. Things are going to be tough, problems will surface and obstacles will be there but I will find a way to stay free, to achieve my goals and be all that I was meant to be. All my life without realising it I have been creating and adapting strategies in order to cope and get the most out of my time here.</div>
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A lot of my blog posts recently have talked about how I have been struggling with my concentration on simple day to day things and in how I have struggled to cope with the feelings this brought on in me. But this struggle has always been the same albeit sometimes to less of an extreme. I think a lot, some might say obsessively, I prefer intensely and I have been racking my brain about what I was like years ago, did I have these challenges and how did I cope? And the answers are interesting, or at least they were to me. </div>
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I am exceptionally good at repetitive tasks but they bore me, I need to approach them in a certain way to be able to do them. In my second job I was working on a project and did the same work all day long, everyday. I struggled greatly with this, my mind would wander and I'd daydream about fighting and all kinds of things. I could put together a work process in no time at all but I couldn't sit and read the 10 page guidance notes and updates and meeting minutes that were provided about what the work was for and how it should be conducted. It got to the stage where my manager would just highlight the things I needed to consider that might not be obvious to me. I could just </div>
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see the logical processes and how it needed to work so to me reading all this repetitive documentation was pointless. </div>
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But the data work I had to do was so monotonous - it amounted to a lot of proof reading, data checking and cleansing. As it was I couldn't approach this at all, I tried to do the work but would drift off staring into space. This was pre-diagnosis and I had nobody really giving me any strategies to cope or any understanding of why I couldn't maintain my attention on my work. I realised I was struggling to start and I was losing track of what I had done because there was no order or structure to the work. So I made a few rules and a logical approach to follow and I set about doing the task like this which worked great for a while until the novelty of following the new process wore off and I was stuck again. </div>
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Now I am a fighter, I am very competitive and I was very aware of my drive to win and succeed, kickboxing seemed to be the only thing I could really do long term with any success. It seems like I work at my best with a little pressure and competition. So I thought why not see if I can apply how I am in kickboxing to other areas and made it a competition. Every hour I was determined to improve my record of how many data records I had successfully got through. In the second hour the improvement was slight but after this it would be 50 records more and more and more as I got used to the process and the work just became automatic. I became so in tune with what I needed to look for, correct and match that my brain only saw what it needed to and cut the rest out. I reached phenomenal work rates in the amount I was getting through each time beating the previous hour and throughout this time you couldn't reach me, I was so focused on my activity, on my competition. </div>
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And thinking back further everything has always been a competition. Working in a warehouse I'd "compete" against all the other workers, wanting to pick more items than anyone else, I'd get so frustrated when I couldn't find an item because it slowed me down... In my first job every piece of work given to me I had to do as quickly as I could to surprise whoever gave me the work and similar to my second job, when entering orders I conditioned myself to see only the necessary fields. There was competition with myself in that I was always striving to add more tasks, more responsibilities to my workload, to handle more and more.</div>
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All this competition produced great work but I could not give myself time out, I had to maintain that level of activity all day everyday and naturally this just wasn't possible. I'd get burnout and again be unable to concentrate but overall it all balanced itself out as when I was so focused on my work I was doing vast amounts in such a short space of time.</div>
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My mind has to be occupied with something constantly or I just drift off. So now the challenge is how can I keep it occupied, how can I create that sense of competition again in my daily activities and how do I start? I know that I will find a way to do this because the alternative is to do nothing and I can't do that. And right now this is tough, it is frustrating and I get really angry with myself. I am even more anxious because I feel I am getting nowhere but I have encountered this before and I dealt with then just like I will now. My history tells me that although I have those fears, those obstacles I am strong enough and driven enough to overcome them to succeed. And the difference now is that I know. I know what I am dealing with and that has to give me an advantage in producing a new strategy that will enable me to get the most out of my life.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-33307935663735162322014-04-05T04:26:00.004+01:002014-04-05T04:26:44.960+01:00World Autism Awareness Day - In Good Company<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well Wednesday 2nd April was World Autism Awareness Day and in recent months I haven't been doing much to raise awareness or in fact I haven't really been doing much. Since I injured my ankle I have really stripped things back and it wasn't until I did that that I realised just how much I had needed to. I got to the point where I was struggling to do simple things. Then it changed to some days I was getting on really well then other days it felt hopeless. Stripping things back gave me space to let my stress levels reduce and then reflect upon where I want to go and what I want my life to be. As much as I love fighting so much of my focus goes into this and with the extent of anxiety and stress I was under I needed to switch my focus - being injured, as unfortunate as it is, gave me that chance. Normally training and fighting help me manage stress levels but the better you are at the sport, the longer you have been a champion, the more pressure there is to keep there at that level. And this didn't make me feel I could allow some of my fighting focus to switch to the rest of my life when it really needed to.</div>
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Not long after I got injured I had this weird thought. I thought of the Lego video games where you can switch from character to character in order to complete specific actions that only a certain character could do. In my mind I felt like something like this happened, I visualised it happening. In the days following my injury I thought heavily about my fighting performances, I watched the videos, I pictured it in my mind. I pictured myself fighting fights that hadn't even happened. And then watching those fights in my mind, I took all the elements that make me this formidable fighter and champion who does not give up on the mats and 'drag dropped' them into my 'normal' self. To me it was a transferal of my skills, my focus and my desire to succeed to where it was most needed and that was in picking myself back up and getting my life back on track. If you want to look at it another way it was like the aliens stealing the talents of the NBA basketball stars in Space Jam, reapportioning talent elsewhere. I knew I could not train, I could not fight and I wouldn't be fighting for some time, so I was putting those fighting resources elsewhere. Honestly for me it is not that unusual. I often have to approach life as though it is kickboxing and fighting to get anywhere, I trick myself into it all being connected to how well I will fight so that I do it. What was weird in this circumstance was the Lego switch / Space Jam thing - just visualising that shift...but in a way I needed to do that too. Because I didn't believe I could do it anymore - rebuild myself that is.</div>
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But once I had visualised that I felt rejuvenated. I felt focused and strong to rebuild myself. I hadn't felt that kind of optimism or belief for some months. With some help I took control. I got my whiteboards on the wall and made plans, I considered what was important, what my short term goals were - to sort my ankle, to get some daily routine, to deal with events coming up - and I concentrated on achieving those with a view to then build up to the next lot of things I needed to regain some control over. I looked at what my problems were that were preventing me from doing these things and with help worked out some possible solutions to try. These haven't all been successful all the time but they have helped. I needed help to do these things, to get myself together, from professionals and from friends - some practical help in putting my plans together, in deciding what I needed to do first, in preparing for events and also some help in the form of reassurance and help to understand. I have needed pretty constant reassurance, some of which I don't always believe straightaway and I have been less sure of everything. I've probably had what were essentially the same conversations hundreds of times over the last few months because I have been that unsure, anxious and in need of reassurance.</div>
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So where am I now and what does this have to do with World Autism Awareness Day? Well when things are going well for me I don't always feel like I struggle that much. I feel positive about who I am, I feel positive about my diagnosis and I am confident in my ability to achieve. I like to be positive and talk positively about where I am in my life but I feel that I almost forgot that the struggles and challenges do exist and do need to be acknowledged. It is the very fact that I am so positive and just brush off how tough it actually is for me to get on in the world that means I don't always get the support I need. The fact that I can stand up and deliver a talk really well, really confidently is often what most people see, what they don't see was the stress in me getting to the venue for the talk, the agonising over what will happen, where I have to go, what time I need to leave, do I have everything I need, who am I meeting, is someone helping me get there, what do I take, is my speech good enough, the fact I cannot read the audience and how they are receiving my talk....they don't see me changing my speech every day for the last 2 weeks, reading and re-reading until I get it perfect, they don't see me virtually shut down afterwards on the way home, rigid and tense with stress and unable to speak about it, they don't see me struggle to get up and fulfill daily activities the next day and possibly the day after. But my love for and the sense of worth I get from speaking makes up for these things and again how good I feel affects the impact these events have on me, but there is always an impact. </div>
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How things have been for me recently has made me reevaluate the importance of giving a balanced view, of being positive but also of acknowledging the struggles - this was what I wanted to share for World Autism Awareness Day. I don't want you to underestimate me or what I can do but I don't want you to think it is all easy and that I cope fine all by myself. I am a fighter and if I want to do something I won't let anything beat me but it comes at a huge cost and I am not achieving my potential - how can you be when you get to the point where your life has to come to a standstill on a regular basis? Even just looking at the days following events like competitions and speeches - those days are wasted. I have all these skills, all these qualities and talents, capabilities most would wish for but I struggle to connect these and link in to the rest of the world - I'm like an island full of resource with no bridge or connection to mainland and that is why I need you to be aware, why I need you to accept this is how I am and maybe if you can why I need you to help me connect.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Anna Kennedy and I at Red2Green</td></tr>
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I spent the evening of World Autism Awareness Day with my friend Anna Kennedy at charity <a href="http://www.red2green.org/" target="_blank">Red2Green</a>'s launch of the In Good Company project. The videos feature adults on the autism spectrum sharing their personal stories and strategies they have developed to overcome challenges in order to help others get a better insight into the world of some people with autism. They also help to highlight the diversity of those on the autism spectrum and that people are unique and present differently. There is also a link on the channel which also gives instructions on how to make your own In Good Company video so that you may share your experiences living with autism should you wish to be involved.</div>
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I filmed for my video back in August just as I started training for the World Championships, I had had a steroid injection in my ankle as I had bursitis so could not kick or move much and I have since gone on to win another world title. I was happy with the outcome of my video but found it difficult to watch with the audience. Partly because I realised how far away from the person I saw in the video I had gotten and partly because I was anxious about how other people would react. It was good for me to watch my video because it reminded me of who I am and what I can do.</div>
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You can watch my video here - <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucBVt8ung6M">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucBVt8ung6M</a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-34171220193702154842014-03-20T01:08:00.002+00:002014-03-20T01:44:00.201+00:00Concentration Issues and Trips to London<div style="text-align: justify;">
Well the last blog post I wrote was quite open and raw for me to write. I don't usually go that public over the way I feel when I am or have been struggling, I need my own space to deal with things and if I open up it usually leads to a lot of questions and attention I just don't want. So why did I choose to open up? Well simply because if I don't talk about it how will anyone ever know or even begin to understand? And why is this important? My challenges are hidden, I don't look like someone who struggles and it is perhaps less obvious given that I grew up undiagnosed and learnt to keep things covered up, to avoid that undesired attention! But my challenges are what they are and if the people in my life can understand these a little theoretically that should makes things a little easier right? </div>
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As usual I did intend to write again before now but hey at least I got round to it whilst still in March and that is actually a pretty big achievement for me right now. I have been struggling a lot more to concentrate and start things recently, I mean the last blog post took me over 7 hours to put together (I hope this one is done quicker!). Concentrating has always been a bit of a battle for me, everything at the last minute under lots of stress is usually how it goes but I haven't been able to concentrate on the simple things lately. Unless I am really interested or really motivated to do something I get bored very quickly and no matter how I try I just can't seem to keep my mind on doing it. Suddenly everything in my brain feels very far apart and it becomes really difficult to get to the areas I need to. I also then, just to make it easier (!), get all these thoughts and ideas on some really random things often completely unassociated to what I am actually trying to accomplish which of course distracts me further and before you know it all this time has gone by and I have done nothing. Another thing that also happens such as right now is that everything in my environment starts to annoy me more than usual. This evening writing this the living room light is bugging me, the cushions on the sofa just don't feel right to sit against, the flickering TV and sound from TV over my headphones are distracting, the dog chewing his chewy bone....and this is all before you get onto the lure of social media. I stay up really late a lot and get lots of things done just simply because the atmosphere at night feels different, everyone is asleep, everything is quiet, there is less going on and this just means I can think clearer and concentrate better. And um just to illustrate my point here I started this about 4 hours ago and this is as far as I have got....... If you think that is bad, it doesn't beat my record as a child at 9 years old who wrote 5 words about rocks in an afternoon!! So it seems to make sense to stay up and get things done when I concentrate better but then you get the cycle of not being able to get up and function in the day. <br>
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So as I was saying...lately my concentration has been worse. I feel like I have lost track of everything in my life and I'm playing this immense game of 'catch up'. In the last couple of weeks through not training I have vast amounts of excess energy. I want to bounce around the house like tigger and dangerously my body is not telling me that I can't do this, it is my brain thinking this wouldn't be a good idea rather than any pain signals stopping me from doing it. It is frustrating. But now there is some exercise I can do safely without causing further damage to my ankle. So why don't I just do this? Problem number 1 - I don't have a plan. Solution....make a plan? Which leads me to my next problem, my plan ends up taking me several hours to put together (without the concentration lapses) and then to actually do the exercises in said plan takes me ummm hours because I have made too comprehensive a plan with too much to do! And failure to complete and follow said plan results in extreme cup breaking frustration. Ok...so try it without a plan? Just do what you feel like? After a little go on the exercise bike, a little go on the punchbag and a half hearted stretch...I'm bored, I want to do something else, I'm thinking of something else. I need the plan or I need the supervision I get at training. I'm not somebody who isn't driven, I'm certainly not lazy - I work hard when I train so why do I have this problem now? I love to train, this should be a breeze, but it isn't. Why? Maybe if I knew I could fix it. Is it the chaos in my environment, the chaos in my brain and the chaos generally in my life, in that I have lost track of what I actually need to do? <br>
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I need wall planners, timetables and task lists but took this a step further with a new organisational app on my phone. My wall planner gives me a visual of events in advance, my timetable handles the upcoming week in more specific detail and the task lists tell me what things are outstanding to input onto the timetable. The new organisational app allows me to schedule these tasks and routine tasks with alerts so that I don't forget to eat my lunch (have a giggle but this happens on a daily basis). My husband and I have set new routines to ensure everything is tidied away before bedtime so I can get straight onto my tasks when I get up and we also set which tasks additional to basic routine I must complete the next day, as left to me I'd set myself a ludicrously ridiculous amount of tasks to complete (just like the excessive training plan). I also don't know what takes priority, the only thing in my life I ever really gave priority over anything to was kickboxing! So I need his help to work out what I should get done first.<br>
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I have kept to basics on this app so far, I have to do ankle exercises 5 times a day so just to make sure I have been doing those has been a challenge. I have been setting myself little tasks to help me get in more control of the areas of my life I need to. Judging how long tasks may take is a bit of a problem as it can range between such a long period of time if I'm struggling to concentrate. Also if I'm a little bit late in starting tasks it piles the pressure on to catch up with the rest. But nevertheless the reminders have been working. There feels like there is a little bit of progress and as long as I feel I am progressing toward something I am usually able to placate myself. And this is true of now to an extent except when the ultra perfectionist side of myself shows up and shouts 'don't you realise how pathetic this actually is?' at me. I feel like I should be doing more, I could be doing more and I put myself down massively because I feel like all the things I am struggling with so much other people don't even need to think about too much. It is like there is always this never ending battle going on within me that is not even apparent on the outside. It is tough. When you identify what you find difficult, you take control and try to put things in place to make life easier and essentially function to the best you can and then at the end of it all you turn around yourself, tell yourself you are stupid and less just because the very way that you are means that you have these challenges, that to be worthwhile you shouldn't have these challenges and in the process rip apart all of the solutions you worked so hard to implement. And I, as of yet, can't seem to stop this. From the outside it can look like this huge attention seek thing, but I hate the attention and from the inside it feels hopeless. I need reassurance but hate that I need reassurance. I hate that it is so illogical because I would never tell anyone with my challenges what I tell myself, so why do I think it of myself? Why can't I see all the good things that make me who I am right now? <br>
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This week has been a good example - this week I had to go to London to do a speech. The speech was right in the centre of London, there was no way I was driving here, it was a train and public transport job. So what happened? Well I don't travel by train often nor by any type of public transport. I get overwhelmed by the noise, I panic with lots of people round me and struggle to work out where I am meant to be. It would be very easy for me to get lost and if I did get lost I would not be able to recover the situation, the anxiety would be too great. And when I say anxiety I mean you can't think, can't process, can't make sense, everything is a fog type anxiety. So I need help. I need somebody to accompany me, help me find where I need to go and get there in one piece, on time and calm(ish). A lot of this falls down to my husband to help me with but he works full time and it is not always simple for him to get time off, if he got time off everytime I needed help he'd have no holiday for actual holidays. So I had to find someone else to help me and even though I know I need the help, I feel embarrassed that I need to ask and I struggle to ask. And on this occasion finding somebody was really difficult, my recent difficulties had meant that I had been struggling to plan and think things through in advance. For me to cope with this journey, I had to be accompanied and my husband had to put a very basic step by step list of instructions together which told me what to expect and what I had to do.<br>
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Just like when I fight, when I am delivering my speech, I feel more confident and more relaxed. I can struggle to hold a conversation sometimes but I can stand up and deliver a speech and I actually want to stay up there as long as possible, I guess it cuts down on the conversations afterwards! I like that what I am saying is all planned out and I even throw in things on the spot now that I manage to keep relevant. When I finish speaking I feel achievement. If you have known me for many years you might understand why I feel this but just for the benefit of those that don't, I grew up not daring to speak to people. All through my life there were silences, with family, at school, at kickboxing, with friends. Anything that I didn't know how to approach or deal with met with silence. So speaking to a room of strangers is a huge achievement every time I do it. I took the fear of letting people hear my voice and decided I didn't want to let that stop me from being heard, so I put myself in front of a room full of people and spoke when nobody expected I would. I have proved I don't need to be feeling at my best to achieve this or to even do it well, I don't know how to give less than 100%. I enjoyed this speech, it was the first time I had done a speech like that one and I'd worried a lot about getting the most meaningful and important points across and not leaving anything out. On the way home from London I was totally drained. I was desperate to get home. But compared to the day after, the evening after is always easier.<br>
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To say that an event like this wears me out is to put it mildly. The day after I got up for an appointment, otherwise I probably would have just ended up chilling out on the sofa all day. To cut a long story short I wasn't happy after this appointment and I needed space to work things out. During appointments, meetings and sometimes even general conversations I find it difficult to process what is going on, what it means or how I feel about what is happening. I hear what is being said, I understand what the words mean and all that kind of stuff but I struggle to apply what it all means to myself, how I feel about it and even what I action I want to take. This can be a big problem and pretty frustrating. I often can't work all this out until I'm on my own and have some peace and quiet but of course at home I can't just sit down and think....I have a puppy. I also have problems concentrating and I was sat at home with every sound from the street dancing around in my head, an excited puppy pouncing on my feet, feeling drained from the day before and I knew I just had to get somewhere so I could think and process what had just happened. So I picked up the mischievous puppy, bundled him into his seatbelt in the car and we drove for two hours. My car to me is absolute bliss...until I am stuck in traffic or dazzled by millions of lights at night of course. In my car I can turn up my music and I can't hear all the distracting sounds that plague me all day. I find it really calming. Oscar was perfectly happy chewing his toys and snoozing on the backseat. We stopped and went for a little walk half way and once I felt calmer we went home. <br>
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After we got home both of us crashed out on the sofa and slept until my husband got home. I went up to bed and continued to sleep. I was the most awful wife - I could not speak to him, I couldn't be near him and he could not comfort me. I needed to be on my own and it is difficult to explain now why at that moment I can't tell my husband nicely that I don't want a hug, I don't want to chat and I just want to be left alone. But he understands. And fortunately he picks up very quickly on how things are and gets why it is like that, he knows when to back off. In total I slept around 6 hours, woke up for a couple hours then went back to sleep for the night. In reality after the day before doing the speech and travelling to London I needed a lot more than this. But in spite of the after effects, going to London and doing the speech was worth every second for the sense of achievement and the insight I am able to give to others. And the rest I will just have to figure out......</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-84134784218515616662014-03-08T23:59:00.001+00:002014-03-09T00:04:19.551+00:00Injuries and Rehab<div style="text-align: justify;">
As a sports massage therapist I also have a blog about injuries and sport related stuff (<a href="http://topformsrm.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/why-you-would-benefit-from-regular.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+TopFormSportsRemedialMassage+%28Top+Form+Sports+%26amp;+Remedial+Massage%29" target="_blank">Top Form Blog</a> - nice little link there although I am just as bad at updating that blog as this one!) and I thought with my latest injury it might be a good idea to detail there how I am treating and rehabbing that injury. If you follow me on social media etc you will know that last week whilst competing in the Irish Open I sprained my ankle quite badly and have now been forced to sit down and chill out for a while! So this idea got me thinking a little bit more deeply about how I should go about this because the impact not training will have on my levels of stress is bound to be fairly significant but perhaps not quite appropriate for my more factual, business related blog even though the psychology of injury will be mentioned. I thought do I run the blogs simultaneously with the how crazy it makes me become against the what exercises I am doing etc? But then I realised if I am going to be true to this then I really need to back things up a bit because there is a lot more to my current stress levels than my current injury predicament.<br />
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I don't know what has led you to my blog now, I don't know if you really know me or if you do what capacity you know me in - have you seen me fight, have you heard me speak, do you train with me or are you friends with friends I have or you might be my own friends and family? If you have heard me speak then chances are you may have this perception of me that I'm this fighter, I don't give in and my life is all positive. While this is true - I have a lot of positive things in my life and I don't give up - I am real and I don't have it all worked out, I hurt, I fail and things don't always work and this is sometimes barely noticeable. I grew up until my 20s without a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome and I struggled a lot particularly with stress and anxiety. My poor mum wanted to take me to see a doctor when I was a teenager and I refused, I was convinced that I was "wrong" and seeing a doctor would confirm that. So I hid how I felt, it wasn't that difficult as I struggle to show how I feel but I made extra effort to be like everyone else and fit in - I still do it to an extent. But it is exhausting, even just being in this world is exhausting and there is a time every year where I just can't do it and keep up / cope with the demands in my life, sometimes it is very brief and sometimes it drags on. </div>
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This is where I am now and where I have been for the last 4 months and it is true the longer it goes on the harder it is to get back on top. So I figured in this period of time where I am recovering from my ankle injury there is an opportunity to really focus on rebuilding myself to the strong, focused person I am and getting myself back on track to show the world who I really am and what I can do - and why not blog about this too? I mean this is the embodiment of what has made me who I am and this will show how I got to where I am - this is what I do and what I have to do. And essentially it is like a rehab just more for the mind.</div>
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Last week I was absolutely devastated. I was competing in my 11th Irish Open, I was the fittest I have ever been, I felt after my hamstring injury in 2012 that I'd finally got back to my best and maybe even surpassed my best, I'd really put the hours in to my training for this. I've had injuries before but something like that had never happened to me during a fight and I felt like I was just getting into the fight as it happened. It is one thing to lose but it is another when something like that means you don't know how things would have turned out and for me that was quite difficult to deal with. All those "what ifs". At first I was gutted because of the competition but then as I started to realise that I wouldn't be training or competing for a while things went a little out of control in my mind and I began to wonder if I would ever get to the level I was at again, if I'd ever be the same. I was more gutted because of the hard work and length of time it had taken me to recuperate from the hamstring tear and well, I'm not getting any younger, how many more years do I have? I got home and I am such an active person, I hate to be sat still. I wanted to smash the house up, I wanted to smash my foot to pieces, I was angry and frustrated. My brain was racing and I was still - it seemed I couldn't do anything I wanted to do. Normally when my mind is that active I am bouncing off the walls and I can't sit still - so this week I have struggled to live with myself and it has been an achievement to have avoided a meltdown and not break anything. I thought things could not have got any worse before I went to Ireland and this was something I totally did not expect. </div>
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Before Ireland I had been really struggling. Since I had come back from the World Championships last October things had slowly been deteriorating to spiralling out of control. I struggle with the loss of the structure, routine and focus on the goal of winning the World Championships, it is really difficult to adjust after a week in a new place to come back to a change at home. I stopped being able to sleep and was not sleeping until 4 or 5 am every night, this improved with the addition of Oscar the puppy to our house - he keeps me busy and calmer. But presently I can't sleep without my ipod on because my head is too active. My difficulty with concentration had got to be so bad that until now I have been unable to start anything and see it through. I struggle to know what to do and when to do it, even to the extent of making sure I eat if I don't have a plan. I am distracted by absolutely everything - I get distracted by my own thoughts and deviate from my plan because I decide it is better to do something else but in the end that never gets done either. If a motorbike drives up and down my street a few times, it drives me insane, I can't block that sound out and I start to get angry and throw things. When things are out of order, if my house gets messy or my inbox is overrun with emails I lose track of everything - I don't know what is going on and I get very annoyed and agitated. When you need a good amount of structure and organisation in your life to function, such as I do, to feel as though you have "lost track" of everything is simply debilitating. I have felt unable to do anything. For the past 4 months I have hated myself, I have been so cruel to myself, picking apart every facet of what makes me who I am. I have woken up more times than I can remember wishing I hadn't woken up. I feel like a failure. I have wished I didn't have autism, I have told my husband that I bet he wished he never married me. I can't always identify what I feel or why I feel it and I call myself stupid, useless and pointless - nearly on a daily basis. </div>
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I am perfectionist. I don't do something unless I can put 100% into it, totally all or nothing. This means I put great pressure on myself. I know what I am clever enough to do and I fear not achieving what I am capable of achieving. I'm good at what I'm good at and terrible at what I'm not good at and there tends to be no in between. And this is not helpful when you feel you have lost track of everything in your life. To say I have been highly stressed would be an understatement and to then at the start of the year have competition after competition in these loud, busy, extremely full on environments - I have thought at some times that I might explode from the stress. And no matter what I say here or how much I choose to reveal I can never truly explain just how things have been for me over these last 4 months and even if I could there are many people who would never really understand.</div>
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I am lucky. There are lots of people in my life who love me, care about me and who I have worried. There are lots of people who support me in many different ways and I appreciate it all because I need that support. How would you cope if you received messages everyday from someone saying they are stupid, like everyday? I mean are there only so many times you can tell them "no you're not" before you get a bit pissed off or would you be able to understand? Then there is also the poor lady from the Asperger's team who tries to help me and gets told that she asks stupid, pointless questions and that for that reason I won't answer them. And how would you cope if your daughter wouldn't open up to you, or your wife told you that you hate being married to her and marrying her has to be the biggest mistake you made? When I behave, think and talk this extremely it is almost like I have been taken over by this darkness - I feel dark, I feel slow, full of hate and this, I think, happens because I am overwhelmed, by what I feel, by what is happening around me and I just don't know what to do with it all, where to put those feelings.</div>
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Strangely it is this ankle injury and new focus of making it better that has led me to this point now, today. This point where I am focusing on pulling it back round rather than just making it from one day to the next. Many of the things I have listed above aren't going to go away - they are features of the person I am, albeit presenting in an extremely amplified way due to the levels of stress. I haven't gone into what has made me stressed but I'm trying to establish a business, fund my sport, do my sport, write a book and god knows what else. There are seasonal stressors too and it all just builds up. That's about as much as I can explain except to say there is also this thing I do where I look at everyone else and what they seem to seamlessly with little effort manage to do and achieve and compare against what I struggle with. For any person it is simply the worst thing you could possibly do to your self esteem, it only makes you think about what you aren't and what you are lacking and when I do this I forget all the good things I am and all the things I have achieved. I write them off as "normal" and that "anyone could do it". And then I feel less. But I am not less. I am a whole person, there is nothing missing from me, I am what I was meant to be. If I grow into more then that is great but I'm not deficient in any way right now. </div>
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Realistically this is what I do best. I know how to drag myself back up, I know how tough it is and I accept that it is just how it is. I accept that my challenges are there and I know I just have to find ways to manage each thing that crops up. I am real, I don't have to be on top all the time to be the positive example of someone living with Asperger's - it is not my success that makes me the positive example it is the very fact that I am real, that I do live through the challenges, I do hit the figurative brick wall and fall down but I still come back and I will come back and I will smash that wall down. Now I can't fight or train for a while but there is a reason that I do fight so well and that is because of what my life is. When I step onto the mat to fight it is my sanctuary and I am fighting all these things that build up inside of me. You cannot do a sport like mine and be successful if you don't have the mental approach and that is not that you are mental enough to fight!! I know that if I approach anything in the way that I approach my fighting then I will achieve it, I will not be beaten and that is what I have to do now. People underestimate me all the time and really that is their loss but when those people then put limits on what I can do, well then I have to prove them wrong. I couldn't care less what people think of me or the way I act but never think you know what my limits are because that is up to me. I don't live my life to impress anyone else, what I do I do because I choose to. So sit back and watch what I do best and that's to kick life in the face, or maybe I'll just settle for a punch for now as I do have a bad foot?!<br />
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-28074971850234350542014-01-30T16:13:00.000+00:002014-01-30T16:32:59.513+00:002013 Review<div style="text-align: justify;">
With January already being nearly over I am well behind with this blog post and pretty much everything on my to do list but Christmas was hectic and things have been a little more difficult for me in the last couple of months combined with the addition of a mischievous puppy into the household...I have got very behind! I did so much in 2013 that I thought a Facebook status would not be enough for me to sum up the incredible year I had so I thought I'd be better off reviewing it in a blog post. This was something I wanted to do because although it has all happened and a lot of people know what I have done and achieved I actually have to remind myself sometimes, especially when things are tough, that I am capable of doing great things. In life it can be so easy to focus in on the negatives and forget to celebrate the positive achievements we make and one of my aims for the rest of 2014 is to remember and be grateful for what I have and what I have achieved rather than what I struggle with.</div>
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At the beginning of 2013 I could not have imagined how things would have turned out, all the wonderful experiences I have had, the incredible people I have met and of course all the things I have achieved. The year as well has not been without its challenges or difficulties but in life you have to expect these things and carry on regardless as much as possible. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Fighting in the Clash of the Titans</td></tr>
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In terms of kickboxing I had a fantastic year. There were the usual obstacles and barriers including injury and 6 weeks of illness at the beginning of year but in spite of this I started off 2013 well winning WKC National Championships and WAKO British Championships and getting a bronze medal in the Irish Open. I also participated in the Clash of the Titans fight show in Huddersfield, a full contact event where I fought and defeated a taekwondo world champion. I love events like this and will always fight when my coach asks me to but if I'm honest I was feeling tired and ready for a break after all the intense training in the run up to Ireland combined with being ill. However I am glad I pushed through and did it as after I fought I felt incredible. It was awesome to be part of such an event packed with great fighting and atmosphere.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Winning my third world title in Italy</td></tr>
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Other competitions I won later on in 2013 included the BCKA National Championships, my interclub competion. I also won the FSK British Open and beat another world champion in NWCKB's fight night toward the end of the year. But the biggest thing was winning my third world title in Italy in October. Just prior to starting training I had been suffering with retrocalcaneal bursitis and I had to modify training to see if it would heal on its own. Unfortunately I needed to have an injection and this meant again more modifications to training, it wasn't the ideal start to training but then again I have come to accept that things are never ideal! The conditions in Italy weren't exactly ideal either and I think a lot of people struggled with them but considering I always have to contend with the competition environment things felt almost impossible in Italy but I got through it and retained my world title.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Disabled Sports Person of the Year</td></tr>
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I was lucky to get a lot of help in raising funds to be able to compete and help in my preparations for competitions. And at the end of the year I won Northants Sports Disabled Sports Person of the Year and was given a Martial Arts Illustrated Hall of Fame award. Two incredible accolades I was proud to receive.<br />
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2013 was also the year in which I began to run my own business. I qualified at the end of 2012 in sport and remedial massage therapy. This has been a source of much frustration and a very steep learning curve. I never expected running a business to be easy and I did know that my additional difficulties would not make this easier but one of the things that I have learnt indefinitely is that I am very good at what I am good at and anything else I'm just terrible at! The challenge for 2014 is to find a way to be able to concentrate more on just what I am good at with strategy for what I struggle with. I wouldn't say that I was failing or that things were going slower than expected, I feel that I have achieved a lot more than a lot of people just setting up a business would just not in my business. Sometimes the frustration has got the better of me but stepping back from the situation and looking at it again I can see that the experience is one that is helping me to grow and develop as a person. I'm not somebody who just gives up, I am a person who will find a way to succeed.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMwnf4HZMX846n5tY1Gk1w6Z6YcUZrqD1HCMwlXSYzpMF2lonDOUkaLuvd3yqP-nIfy65NMPuM1xaSG7XLFm1qNaO5iqGtzhuDUGNXGNwkHdm2V7DZbbfbegxD9Xh_WYnHNYRtxyQphrDO/s1600/DSC00145.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMwnf4HZMX846n5tY1Gk1w6Z6YcUZrqD1HCMwlXSYzpMF2lonDOUkaLuvd3yqP-nIfy65NMPuM1xaSG7XLFm1qNaO5iqGtzhuDUGNXGNwkHdm2V7DZbbfbegxD9Xh_WYnHNYRtxyQphrDO/s1600/DSC00145.JPG" height="150" width="200" /></a>One of the worst moments of 2013 for me was losing Becks the family dog I grew up with. Becks was more than a dog to me, he was my best friend and he was so important to me growing up. I was absolutely crushed and devastated as much as I had been expecting this eventuality. That dog gave me more than he could ever have possibly known. He can never be replaced and I will always always miss him.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA-JPnKQvGbS0lcEQ9kWmeYLcL-ShW_yt8GFR1AmZymFtlaU8YBHYQACGse3FCuOgpW6AMg5YttqJUcaA4vuC7cyW0r95Bghjym2Qd3m54O_KY5nM_wEJaU5YYJ5C5-XA7ULnaDFStlQDS/s1600/2013-12-11+19.29.00.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA-JPnKQvGbS0lcEQ9kWmeYLcL-ShW_yt8GFR1AmZymFtlaU8YBHYQACGse3FCuOgpW6AMg5YttqJUcaA4vuC7cyW0r95Bghjym2Qd3m54O_KY5nM_wEJaU5YYJ5C5-XA7ULnaDFStlQDS/s1600/2013-12-11+19.29.00.jpg" height="200" width="150" /></a>In November my husband and I gained another nephew, Harvey Jai. We were a little surprised when my sister in law told us we were to be an uncle and aunt but were pleased to finally meet Harvey on the 13th November. We now have a niece and nephew to spoil and play with. We were lucky enough to go on holiday with my brother in law, his girlfriend and our niece to Mablethorpe. We haven't been on a non-kickboxing related holiday since our honeymoon, so it was really nice to be away and just chill out especially to spend some time with our niece Aimee.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With Anna Kennedy</td></tr>
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As I said at the start of this blog post I have been fortunate to meet some amazing people and do some amazing things. I have spoke several times in London, been to the House of Commons twice and much more. It all started back in April when I found Anna Kennedy on twitter, we exchanged a few tweets, she put my story on her website and asked me to speak at Autism's Got Talent in May. I had never spoken to an audience of that size but that didn't put me off. It was a fantastic experience to be part of and I was truly overwhelmed by the response to my speech. Not long afterwards Anna Kennedy contacted me again and asked if I could speak as part of Autism's Got Talent at the Autism Show where she asked me to be a patron for her charity Anna Kennedy Online. It was truly an honour and great responsibility to be asked to fill a position such as this and I was happy to accept. Becoming a patron for Anna Kennedy Online has been one of the proudest moments of my life.<br />
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From there I continued speaking at local schools, I like to speak to the children about their goals and achievements and one of my real highlights of the year was when at a school one little girl who had been having a tough time told me that when she was older she wanted to be like me. I have had a few people tell me before they would like to fight like me but this was the first time I could remember someone say they wanted to be like me, it was very special and really touched me to have made such an impact on someone.<br />
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It wasn't long before Anna Kennedy was calling me again, we had a trip to the House of Commons for an event on women in sport and Positive Image. Here we met Victoria Pendleton. Then later on in the year Anna put on her own event at the House of Commons to present the findings of her survey into autism and diagnosis. I had put together a comic on autism awareness which was also launched here. At this event I spoke about my own experiences based on a speech I had given at Anna's Autism's Got Talent Roadshow in November.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Speaking at Autism's Got Talent Roadshow</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Meeting Victoria Pendleton at the House of Commons</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Speaking at the House of Commons</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Speaking at House of Commons</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYzJEBXz3oni8-7HhNExvQKDKTIdAmmTDC1YyZTBvs2uFrRkd8-aoJCQZ40twaal5xlCVSxiF9Lz3xoWMhM-SVgHhBeweZRwGo5VktC_Lxb51euCVq1YqI2g87UMQV77IMyDk6aW1eOjOM/s1600/IMG_7931.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYzJEBXz3oni8-7HhNExvQKDKTIdAmmTDC1YyZTBvs2uFrRkd8-aoJCQZ40twaal5xlCVSxiF9Lz3xoWMhM-SVgHhBeweZRwGo5VktC_Lxb51euCVq1YqI2g87UMQV77IMyDk6aW1eOjOM/s1600/IMG_7931.JPG" height="265" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With Anna Kennedy at AGT</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
My 2013 was packed full of some amazing things I never thought I would do as well as some tough times such as losing my dog. But in spite of the bad things and as fantastic as the good things I did were what I was most important to me was that I ended 2013 certainly richer in good friends.<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdMwWAf5alE">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdMwWAf5alE</a> - Autism's Got Talent Roadshow speech<br />
<a href="http://www.joredman.com/">www.joredman.com/</a><br />
<a href="http://www.annakennedyonline.com/">www.annakennedyonline.com</a><br />
<br />
Some photos by So Shoot Me -<br />
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/soshootmeportraitphotography?fref=ts">https://www.facebook.com/soshootmeportraitphotography?fref=ts</a></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-13071236553941706442013-11-22T02:14:00.002+00:002013-11-22T02:14:36.087+00:00Sports Awards, Hall of Fame Awards...Speeches....<div style="text-align: justify;">
I always seem to be saying this but it really is true so maybe I should be getting used to it but November has been a very busy, hectic month for me. Sooo much has happened, a lot of wonderful things but truthfully I have been struggling a lot.</div>
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Since coming back from Italy and the World Championships I have really struggled. It is not something that is new, I always feel this way after the World Championships and I always forget (inconveniently) that this happens. I get extremely anxious because that goal I was focusing on is suddenly not there anymore and yes it was something I achieved and that was great but it is a bigger change in my life than it may outwardly appear. My training - diet and exercise regimen is so structured, I need adequate amounts of sleep, a little bit of remedial work, eating at specific times and of course training. I have fixed appointments in my calendar and I have something to aim for. Then I go away to a place I have never been before - where things might be done slightly different to the last time I went to a World Championships and then I come back home to a completely different scenario. When I come home everyone wants to see me, wants to congratulate me and catch up. All that structure and training routine is not there anymore, I can still go to the sessions but most of my team are not there, they are resting. I can eat what I like, when I like. It is all different. It feels impossible to keep up that training regimen without the rest of my team doing it, without that clear goal and when those months of hard training are taking their toll. I do need a rest, but I don't like it. So I'm anxious, I have all these other things I can be doing but I don't know where to start or what to do. I don't have the structure I need anymore and I know in a month or two I will be back in that hard training again anyway so whatever I do now is a gap fill. It is tough to deal with and I have been very anxious these past few weeks, so much so it has been hard to get on top of things.</div>
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But nevertheless I have still had some great things happen. For a start I was nominated for Northants Sports Disabled Sports Person of the Year, an award I won last year. I was nominated by my friend Austin Hughes who came along with my husband and I. My coach Alex Barrowman was also up for the Coach of the Year award after winning the district award. I didn't expect to win as I was up against some tough contenders who had competed in the Paralympics, plus I had won the award the year before so I was incredibly taken aback when I was announced the winner. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My coach and I at the Northants Sports Awards</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
</div>
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This was a great achievement but then I was invited to speak at Anna Kennedy's <a href="http://www.autismdailynewscast.com/anna-kennedy-obe-talks-about-her-autisms-got-talent-roadshow/4918/joworgan/" target="_blank">Autism's Got Talent</a> Roadshow at Baston House in Bromley on the 16th November. It is always an honour to be a part of these events. Everyone performing is so talented at what they do and there is always a great feeling amongst those performing at the show. I had a difficult and emotional speech lined up, I wondered how I would be able to deliver it without any problems but I needn't have worried. Normally for Autism's Got Talent my speeches had been about the things I had achieved and telling my story, I felt this time that many people were already aware of my story and that I needed to deliver more of a message through my story. I am proud to say that it went amazingly well, I had a lot of positive feedback afterwards and Anna requested that I do this speech again when I speak at her autism event at the House of Commons in December. After then I will hopefully be posting and sharing this speech on youtube.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
The very next day, 17th November, I was at the Martial Arts Illustrated Hall of Fame awards where I was put forward for an award. I was given my award for determination and achievement in martial arts. It was an honour to receive such an award in the presence of so many dedicated and talented martial artists. There was also an opportunity to say a few words and five years ago I would have been too scared to but this time I saw it as practise to speak to such a large audience. I spoke for only a few minutes but had standing ovations from some areas of the crowd which I didn't notice until I was told by people I was sitting with.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Martial Arts Hall of Fame Award</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It has been wonderful to have been recognised both in local sport and also the world of martial arts for my achievements and I also really enjoyed speaking at Autism's Got Talent. Now all that needs to happen is this anxiety to pass and to establish a good structure again.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-48580873550362466442013-11-22T01:34:00.003+00:002013-11-22T17:19:58.938+00:00Anti Bullying Week & Autism Awareness<div style="text-align: justify;">
Earlier this year I was asked to become a patron for Anna Kennedy Online, a charity promoting autism awareness and supporting those affected by autism. I do not take this role lightly, in fact I see it as a responsibility just as I see the success I have had within my sport - I have a responsibility to encourage others, share my success, my stories in the hope they may help someone. I remember vividly how I felt in my younger years and I want to be a role model to people who are struggling with confidence issues - believe in yourself because you are capable of more than you know. So when Anna asked me to write something for anti-bullying I dropped everything to give this my full attention.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
And here is the outcome, can also be seen on <a href="http://annakennedyonline.com/a-message-from-jo-redman-world-kick-box-champion-for-anti-bullying-week/" target="_blank">Anna Kennedy Online website</a>.</div>
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<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
"Most people would walk straight past me in the street and
never imagine that I am a three times kickboxing world champion, just like they
would never guess I have Asperger’s Syndrome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>In fact upon meeting with people I used to go school with – fellow
pupils and old teachers – it seems that I would be the last person any of them
would have picked to have achieved what I have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>At school I was withdrawn, extremely quiet, very anxious with low self
esteem and no confidence to speak of whatsoever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I grew up without a diagnosis and not really
understanding why I felt so different, but in this case this is beside the
point.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I grew up being made fun of,
excluded, called names, taunted, pushed around, taken advantage of and it
didn’t stop once I became an adult.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
an adult I was ostracised in the workplace, I had my privacy invaded and was
emotionally bullied.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was bullied at
school and in the workplace because of my appearance, my sexuality and because
I was different in how I acted and reacted to things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of the bullying I experienced I did not
realise was classed as bullying at the time and some of it was more obvious.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being on the autism spectrum can sometimes
make it difficult to recognise when the way you are being treated is wrong.</div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Bullying does not have to be physical, you don’t need to
be hurt physically or beaten up regularly, spat at or the target of flying
objects or a quick shove over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bullying
takes on many different forms in both a direct and indirect way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be as obvious as somebody calling you
abusive names, taunting or insulting you persistently over things such as
appearance, intellect, disability, sexuality, ethnicity, beliefs; or as a
subtle as someone creating false rumours about you or purposefully excluding
you from being part of an activity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
can be carried out by one person or a group of people but the general aim is to
establish a power over you, to make you feel inferior, vulnerable and maybe
manipulate you into doing things you wouldn’t otherwise willingly choose to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Along with advancements in technology bullying has also
evolved.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Online or cyber bullying has
become commonplace and prominent and ranges from harassment via prank calls, instant
messaging, email, text message, online chat, facebook and twitter, to hot or
not videos or other videos on facebook and twitter and even to defamatory
websites, forums and the hacking of email, facebook and twitter accounts etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The internet is a wonderful thing but it has
also enabled bullying to become more intrusive and even for people to be
threatened anonymously.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Bullying in any form is not ok or acceptable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not ok for anybody to hurt you, it is
not ok for anybody to take things from you without you giving permission
willingly and it is not ok for anybody to make you feel inferior or less by
excluding you on purpose or telling lies about you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is also wrong for people to make you think
you have to do certain things that you do not willingly choose to do in order
to avoid any of the treatment described above.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I hated myself when I was younger, I felt lonely and I
believed that I was no good to anybody and that I would never achieve
anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There were even people who
laughed at me when I started kickboxing, who told me I would never be any good
at kickboxing – how wrong were they?!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
tried to stay in the background and avoid attention but I was not made to be in
the background – just as any other person I was made to live a life that I
chose.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I chose kickboxing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At 13 years old, when I was at school and
bullied, I decided I was going to be a world champion, I was going to be the
best.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And it was my focus on this that
helped me get through the tough years I had as a teenager.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things turned out well for me in the end but
it was excruciatingly painful and you can’t take that chance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence like
I did.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
If you are being bullied, if somebody is treating you in
any way that causes you hurt and distress or even if you think some of the things
you might be being asked to do seem strange and different it is so important
that you tell somebody in authority like a teacher, your manager, your
parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know as a person on the
autism spectrum that this can be difficult, I know that it is hard sometimes to
approach anybody, let alone somebody with authority.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You don’t have to approach them directly face
to face, you can ask somebody you trust like a friend to help you or you could even
write a note.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it is important you
tell somebody because they can help it stop and keep you safeguarded.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody deserves to be bullied or treated
badly, for whatever reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are all
worthy of being treated with love, dignity and respect just for being who we
are.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Different is not less."</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Over the last month Facebook discovered Bitstrips, an app which allows you to create cartoons of you and your friends. I have used Bitstrips (and this took me hours) to put together a comic about Autism and Asperger's Syndrome. It was difficult to cover every characteristic without doing too much but I hope that I have found a good balance. Anna Kennedy initially asked if I could do an anti-bullying cartoon for her 'Give Us A Break' campaign but the general awareness one seemed to take over as I realised how these cartoon images could really help to depict some of the challenges and characteristics of Autism and Asperger's. This comic is now going to print but can be viewed in an album on Facebook, just check out the link below.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10151985561566425.1073741829.673451424&type=1&l=09d35b9efc">Autism Awareness Comic</a></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmUaYifHlZRqqxvNCAmbmsFigD5wpqzudWLGmWzIqngDCt6V2lEM5ne8N6YPDYBxsoKJ99blxt2n4G233B3POIpOXGr4YHDdQg1CybkjYJGtnDHQUk3cLFvhWJ4TYZKJml0VcbTmGE4x-B/s1600/559758_10151985559691425_1087826361_n(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="345" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmUaYifHlZRqqxvNCAmbmsFigD5wpqzudWLGmWzIqngDCt6V2lEM5ne8N6YPDYBxsoKJ99blxt2n4G233B3POIpOXGr4YHDdQg1CybkjYJGtnDHQUk3cLFvhWJ4TYZKJml0VcbTmGE4x-B/s400/559758_10151985559691425_1087826361_n(1).jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-44808600645390252942013-11-04T20:42:00.000+00:002013-11-05T15:51:52.117+00:00World Champion...Again - Not As Easy As It SeemsWell I went to Italy and came back World Champion, my third world title. And I am pleased to have achieved this, really pleased but that week was a tough week. I should be really proud of how I handled it but last couple of weeks I have felt a little bit sad about it and I wasn't sure if I should write about it because at the end of the day I came out of it as a World Champion but this is exactly the reason I set up my blog for, to write about and bring awareness to things like this.<br>
<br>
Going into a competition as the reigning two times World Champion it gets difficult. There is the pressure of being the champion and people expecting you to win but also there is that how do you measure yourself and how do you show you get better? Personally I measure against myself and my previous performances, so I set myself my own standards to beat. Last year I had injuries and didn't feel fully fit, this year I did and I wanted to fight as well as I could - that's what it is all about putting on your best performance on the big stage and sadly I didn't feel that I quite did that. As a person with Asperger's I find it difficult to let go of disappointments and need to understand why things happen like they do. So I ruminate and dwell. <br>
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I have said in speeches and in things I have written that it wasn't easy for me doing what I do and that there are barriers caused by Asperger's to my sport. But even so sometimes even I forget these as "normal" and think really? In Italy I was unlucky, a lot of things happened out of my control that all together meant that the issues I have were more prominent for me where normally I cope so well. I rarely feel so on the spectrum as I did that week and chances are few people actually really noticed this. </div>
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Anyone who has Asperger's or autism in their lives, whether it be themselves or family, will understand the importance of or even how vital plans are. I have to have everything planned out, step by step how I expect it to happen, I love my processes and knowing how things are going to work. By now I get the plan and process of going to a world championship, this was my fifth time but I still need to reaffirm and go over that plan before we go away just to remind myself and to take into account travel plans. I dont like to be away from what is familiar to me. And this year things were different. </div>
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I have been fighting with my team for over 10 years now and for the first time ever unexpectedly my coach was unable to come with us due to illness. Before we even left I really didn't like this, it didn't feel right, I'm sure a lot of my team felt the same but for me it wasn't part of the plan and a major change. I don't like changes to the plan. We still as a team had to carry on but I really felt the loss of him not being there.</div>
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We set off and it took us 15 hours to reach our destination in Italy. Now I'm sure there are few people who would actually enjoy a journey like this but can you imagine spending all that time in airports waiting around if you are on the spectrum or have a family member on the spectrum? You guys will know exactly what I mean. The journeys are usually long and I use diazepam to help me cope in airports, I needed two lots of medication on the way out. All it does is chill me out so I don't reach the point where I shut or melt down. I'm still coping with the sensory input and social stuff going on around me to an extent and I still present as I would normally albeit more spaced out. I was diagnosed late in my life and have learnt to just "get through" things with minimal fuss despite how much pain it causes me, and you can't always tell when I'm in pain. I have people say Jo why don't you do this, try this or ask for this - those things never occurred to me before because its not something I knew I could do. So I wore sunglasses in the airport this year, which massively massively helped.</div>
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At the end of this journey was weighing in, possibly what I find the worst part of the whole fighting experience - my feelings and issues on weighing in are covered in my book, so I won't spoil it! I get really anxious about it worrying I won't make my weight, despite this having never happened to me and there is a lot of waiting around which makes it like hell. Not making my weight to me would be disastrous because I would not be where I was supposed to be, again it would be another deviation from the plan but on this occasion and as usual my weight was spot on.</div>
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<div>
So once that was over I thought I can relax now, eat what I like and look forward to fighting. Wrong. There was no choice of food. And the food that was there was ridiculously priced. Obviously another inconvenience for everyone but on the spectrum I had a plan of the kind of food I wanted to try and eat and when and I couldn't do this. I respond like a child when I'm not able to do the things I want to do because I can't cope with it, so instantly I hated everything and my husband had a real nightmare on his hands. The place to eat was full of everyone in the hotel all trying to get some food, buffet style - queues, lots of background noise which is hard for me to filter out. I struggled a lot in there, I felt on edge, anxious and sick everytime we were there. All of which probably only my husband would be able to tell. The meals I had were not meals, they were random foods thrown together, a little bit of this or that on a plate.</div>
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Part of my plan for the week was that I was going to fight on a certain day, this didn't happen. It was different to my plan and that was really tough for me to cope with. I'd built myself up psychologically, prepared physically and it didn't happen. That change in the plan again was one thing but there's also the need I have to fight. Fighting relieves my stress and after a long stressful journey the sooner I have a good scrap the better. Instead this time these feelings were left to build up. I like to work my way through competitions and go through the process, on this occasion I went into the process at a later stage and for me that was difficult to cope with.</div>
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<div>
Then where we would be fighting, in a marquee in a field. This was not so bad, there were the usual crowds of people shouting, cheering and clapping which is painful to me but which I am accustomed to, expect and cope with using my iPod and taking time out if I can. The issue here was the lighting, the marquee was lit up by bright halogen lights shining onto the fighting mats. They didn't startle me but they did feel like they were burning into me when I fought. And when I fought for the first time I can remember there was no escape. Normally fighting relaxes me and I lose track of all the shouting and what's going on around me, this time these lights were drawing me out of that place that I like to be in and it was as frustrating as hell. I trained so hard, travelled all that way and I didn't feel like normal when I fought. And because of that I hated myself. Again most people are probably now thinking why?! But when it comes to fighting, the thing I love to do the most, my feelings are always extreme. I don't always notice how I feel until I feel in an extreme way and I blamed myself for being on the spectrum for not fighting as I wanted, for stopping me from escaping and taking away those moments I usually enjoy so much. It was my fault because I had Asperger's and those issues were there because of that - which doesn't make sense but gives an indication of how extreme I felt.</div>
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<div>
Of course as well there were the social things to deal with too. I love my team, who did amazingly well bringing back around 40 medals between 22 of us, and I do feel part of my team but when it comes to the social stuff I sometimes feel like a complete idiot. It's hard to sit and not know how to get involved. The fact I don't drink probably makes it a little harder. At the after party again I hated I had Asperger's, like nobody liked me because of that - which is of course stupid but that's just how I feel sometimes because I'm frustrated and I feel like the odd one out. The social stuff was harder because everything else had been harder.</div>
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Anyone who has heard me speak or who has had a conversation with me about Asperger's will know that I am entirely positive about who I am and that having Asperger's is part of that - so you know things were bad if I'm saying I hate myself because I have Asperger's right? Any parent of a kid with Asperger's who has said this will know those are some hard feelings to be dealing with and I still am now. It won't last long, it never does but it does happen and I can't not be open about those feelings now because these moments make me who I am too and if I hide them doesn't that make me ashamed of them? I'm not infallible, I'm not perfect and I don't have all the answers - I have to show both the good and the bad. On returning from Italy I had lost sight of my achievement and I couldn't recognise that I did well to get through the week but I do now. Now two weeks on I'm still drained, exhausted and feeling the impact of the travel, the tough week and the months of preparation. I'm struggling to adjust to a life without the focus of the world championships and to be social again after a week spent pushed to the limits of social interaction. I've been quiet and withdrawn - this is not me ignoring people, I'm just too worn out to cope with people. I'm proud to be a three times world champion but I'm also tired and not feeling my best. This is all part of me and part of living with Aspergers and that's why I had to share this. </div>
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Once again I'm really grateful to all those who supported me in getting to this competition and those who supported me once out there in whatever capacity. That support means a lot to me and is crucial. I love to compete on this stage and some of the challenges I faced are always there and expected but this time I struggled more with the process as there were some additional challenges I didn't expect or foresee. This is all part of life and learning and I have chosen to write this because being on the spectrum it is important to me to bring awareness to issues like these that might otherwise not be seen. Just because they are not as visible it doesn't mean they aren't there. I want to congratulate all my team mates on their success too and to thank my husband for keeping it all together for me that week.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-84638256901591201962013-10-08T18:09:00.004+01:002013-10-08T18:13:15.704+01:00I've been a little quiet...World ChampionshipsI have been a little quieter than I would have hoped to be but there are two big reasons for this. The first has been that over September I started writing a book, so all my writing efforts seem to have been concentrated there! I am just over half way through now with just over 30000 words written and I haven't been writing every day. Really excited about getting it finished now, it has opened up a lot of things that I experienced before and brought a lot of memories back - some good and some not so but overall the process has been quite therapeutic for me. <br />
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The other thing that has been dominating a lot of my time and energy has been preparing for the World Championships. And it is nearly here! In the early hours of Monday morning we set off for Taranto, Italy to compete.<br />
<br />
It has been a long and intense training camp. I have had some little set backs along the way both in terms of injury and also some Asperger's related issues. It has been tiring. My ability to focus on other things always seems to be greatly compromised when I am in training like this. I don't connect as well with the people in my life and they start to feel neglected. It is also more difficult to manage all the different roles I fulfil such as with my business, so my social media presence has also been less over this period. I don't feel like I ever get the time to sit and talk to people either online or offline.<br />
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But I have enjoyed every second of training and felt alive. Well aside from not having certain things in my diet but that's just part of the game. I know for sure that when we come back from Italy I will have a big gap in my life where training was and all my team mates that I have seen practically every day for the last few months. These training camps are something bigger, the bond between all of us grows so strong even though we compete as individuals. We all share a common goal, a common love and passion for our sport.<br />
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We had a little run out a couple of weeks ago at the FSK British Championships where we were given itineraries and our new kit for the Worlds. I won my category in spite of some major sensory struggles that day. I almost thought at one point that I may not be fighting but managed to hold it together enough to compete. It has been a long time since I have felt it that badly in a competition environment and I knew once I fought I would feel at least marginally better. I might have felt awful off the mat but fighting I felt great, better than I have for a long time.<br />
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And now a week before we set off to Italy, I know I have done all I can. I am as fit as I could get through my training, I'm in as good condition as possible and I am ready - mentally and physically. It won't be easy, it never is but I have trained for this, my whole team has trained for this and now this moment is ours to enjoy, relish and look back on over years to come. To be able to say we did it, we trained hard and loved every moment because win or lose this is what it is all about. And no matter where we are in the world, what we do, what we achieve or whether our futures see us all together again, for this moment now we are a team, we are as one and we are experiencing this together. Let's do this team BCKA and show the world who we are.<br />
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I have had so much help and support into getting where I am now from all kinds of different professionals in helping me prepare and also in many kind people helping me raise the funds and donating to the cause to be able to do this. To all of you, whatever role you have played, thank you from the bottom of my heart.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-63748647142944523742013-09-05T15:59:00.001+01:002013-09-05T15:59:11.948+01:00Busy August - Clients, Books, Award Nominations<div style="text-align: justify;">
The month of August was completely hectic for me. I set out with good intentions to blog regularly and do so much more but life just seemed to get in the way. For a start World Championship training with my team at the BCKA started and for me this happened to coincide with a steroid injection into the back of my ankle for retro-calcaneal bursitis. This instantly set my training back as I was unable to do any weight bearing exercise for a week! So while all my team mates were running, sparring and doing padwork I was sat on the floor stretching and corework and then doing some cardio on the bike when I got in. Overall I didn't cope too badly with this period but there have been moments where I felt intensely frustrated and also paranoid about injuring my ankle further.</div>
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Over August I ran a special offer within my business and saw an increase in weekly clients, which of course took up more of my time. I also filmed for a Red2Green project talking about Asperger's and my journey to success.</div>
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I also decided that for some reason I didn't have quite enough to do and that now would be the perfect time to start writing my book. So I am well into my first couple of chapters writing a book about my story and experiences which have led me to this point. </div>
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Then my instructor told me I had been nominated for a Martial Arts Illustrated Hall of Fame award! So overall August was a pretty good month, aside from the ankle problems.</div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-47479024590993701752013-09-03T15:39:00.000+01:002013-09-03T15:43:01.261+01:00Kickboxing & the BCKA<div style="text-align: start;">
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I have been kickboxing with the BCKA since I was 13 and its fair to say it is more to me than just my passion. Now there are plenty of people who have a passion for kickboxing and also for other things and some of these people achieve great things in whatever their chosen passion happens to be. However for me kickboxing is what has given my life meaning, purpose and structure over the last decade.</div>
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It's widely known that people with Asperger's often have some kind of special interest - this will be a subject they have intense fascination over whether it just be factual information they collect or something they are exceptionally gifted in, whichever they are so fascinated they can acquire great levels of expertise, proficiency and even genius in the subject. They are able to dedicate great levels of concentration and focus on just that one thing. I have never had any interest in surfing and
won't pretend to know a lot about it but someone on my massage course last year mentioned
this surfer, Clay Marzo and a documentary film made about him and suggested I
had a look at it. Clay Marzo has Asperger's Syndrome and he is an amazing
surfer. The documentary tells about his surfing and his experience of
Asperger's Syndrome and I have included a clip below reviewing the film. </div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/6mMLSFVuZQE?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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<em>“This movie will inspire people to live in
the moment and to always take the time to look a little deeper. People are
amazing and you never know what is behind their eyes,” – Strider Wasilewski
(Quiksilver Surf Team Manager)</em></div>
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In the clip above where Clay says that for him
being in the water is where he feels at home, I can honestly say that for me
when I am fighting is when I feel completely relaxed. Kickboxing is like
my escape from the rest of the world and without it I am totally totally
lost. You see when I am around other people I can't relax fully, to
integrate with others requires a lot of work and a lot of energy on my part, I
also have some concentration problems and like to do everything to a
perfectionist level so when I try to get normal day to day things done this too
can be a struggle. I look at it as having to put in extra effort to get
things done and this can be really draining to keep up. Then there is
also the problem with stress. I can't always recognise when I'm getting
stressed and I don't know how to deal with my stress, other than to
fight. Kickboxing takes care of my stress and comes so naturally to me
that it is a relief in a world where most things don't. </div>
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I have had periods over the last couple of years where I have been injured and unable to train. When I am unable to train fully it kills me. That statement might seem a bit melodramatic and it is true that any athlete or
sports person would be severely irritable when faced with time on the sidelines
but you put that with Asperger's and the effect is multiplied by 10, at
least. I am a nightmare to live when I can't train because it <strong>hurts</strong>
me not to train, more than I could ever show anyone, its not a punishment it is
<strong>torture</strong>. I like to have a purpose to everything and with
not training I don't feel as though I have one. Training is not just part
of my routine, my daily routine is built around my training and to lose some
routine is not good for me but to lose the foundations of my routine is
disastrous. I become highly anxious, highly stressed and this is even worse if I can't exercise in
any shape or form to help me manage these feelings. In a matter of weeks
I usually transform to someone who can't sleep, is extremely irritable and
basically rude to other people because I simply can't deal with them. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxk0Wkwk5q7Ho3riZfV1hTiJx7fVkx9-fieyiHi07m9wmbOKI6DfgQ5TWDYeZlU4hT0WYTgmr9K6hh1uQoyb3IX-A83qcpPAmqtlS4QNYw-ntq2cEMIe-Wx340oamPDm5k92nMe6_Q5YjG/s1600/564888_4650623868664_1067739621_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxk0Wkwk5q7Ho3riZfV1hTiJx7fVkx9-fieyiHi07m9wmbOKI6DfgQ5TWDYeZlU4hT0WYTgmr9K6hh1uQoyb3IX-A83qcpPAmqtlS4QNYw-ntq2cEMIe-Wx340oamPDm5k92nMe6_Q5YjG/s400/564888_4650623868664_1067739621_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">BCKA team at World Championships 2012</td></tr>
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I worry about a future with no kickboxing or training as right now I simply couldn't contemplate a life without it. Right now kickboxing is filling up a lot of my time with preparations for 2013's World Championships in six weeks. I'm training hard with my team mates at the BCKA, as each day goes by we are becoming a stronger and stronger unit. And as much as I love to fight and love the physical elements of kickboxing what has also been so crucial to my development and my confidence has been being part of this team. At the BCKA I feel I am in a place where I belong and where I am valued for who I am and in my life there have not been many places where I have been able to say that. I am lucky to have fantastic team mates who are very understanding and supportive of me and my coach Alex Barrowman who has given me so many amazing opportunities over the years and helped to shape me into the person and fighter I am today. Thanks in part to Alex I am a fighter in every sense, I have an attitude to not give up and the belief in myself to achieve. Alex and the BCKA are family to me.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My coach Alex giving me advice before fighting in World Championships</td></tr>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-19876273510544825252013-08-12T01:25:00.001+01:002013-08-12T01:25:17.321+01:00Friendship and Forgiveness<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've had many friendships over the years but quite often they don't always seem to last. I guess really I am not everybody's ideal friend, I am either terribly intense which can become tiring or I 'disappear' at times. And this disappearing tends to be when I am focused on a goal or more often than not I am in training for a competition - I become a terrible friend because my whole life becomes dominated by what I am doing and anything that is not connected to that I'm not that interested in. Now this enables me to be very successful in the things I choose to do but can also be quite isolating as I 'neglect' friends and family, putting things off until the competition is done. </div>
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It is not always easy for me to make friends either, I have always been terrible at making small talk, keeping things light and asking people about themselves. I find it really hard to find topics of conversation that are not based on what I am doing, kickboxing or Asperger's. In terms of general topics I only like to talk about things I know something about and when it comes to asking people about themselves I always assume if they want to tell me stuff then they will.</div>
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But having said that I have managed to forge many friendships which at the time seemed quite strong but in the end turned out not to be. I have lost count of the amount of friends I have had where things were great then suddenly that friend just disappeared, and by this I mean that one day they just stopped speaking to me. In some cases it was as severe as there was no reply and in others it was a gradual distancing but in all cases I have never been able to work out why and in each case there was almost like a grieving process.</div>
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There was one example of this a friend I believed to be a close friend, who I was able to confide in and who, at first, was so helpful and supportive through the tough times I had pre-diagnosis. We worked closely together and I really looked up to this person and admired them. It wasn't all doom and gloom, there were some good laughs and things along the way but then one day something changed. Whether my unexplained behaviour became too much, I don't know but I do know that it was questioned whether I 'put on' my behaviour and this was incredibly hurtful. At this time before I was diagnosed I was really worried, really anxious and afraid about who I was and what my life was going to be like, I actually hated who I was. I couldn't make sense of things and as hard as I had tried I struggled to keep up and fit in. It got to the point where this friend would no longer speak to me, where they would make fun of me when they thought I didn't know and even more they would get quite frustrated with me and much more. It went from being someone I felt so comfortable being around and could talk to, to someone who it was uncomfortable to be around and who made me feel anxious. Looking back now I see and understand that they didn't know I had Asperger's and neither did I. </div>
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It is questionable whether or not despite this their actions were wrong but I chose to forgive this person and all the other people who made fun of me a long time ago. I look at it in two ways, the people who I do not know so well probably never really mattered that much to me and if they want to make fun then as long as it is not hurting me it is them wasting their energy on me rather than on their own lives. And the people who I considered close friends...well once they meant something to me and while yes it hurt the way they chose to act I don't need to hold on to that, I choose to forgive them for what they were to me and the things they did for me and concentrate on my own life. That is the ultimate choice to concentrate on my own life, on being successful, following my dreams and being happy as I am. People and things don't make me happy, what I achieve and do does. Rather than concentrate on the people from my past I want to look after the people in my life now, the people who want to be in my life who understand my need to focus or why I might be a little intense, or even if they don't accept it. I am lucky for all the people I have met and got to know, it is overwhelming how good some people are to me and this eclipses all those who have not treated me so well.</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-37213968070758359502013-07-22T12:51:00.000+01:002013-07-22T12:51:17.815+01:00Who's bright idea was it to run a business???<div style="text-align: justify;">
Late 2011 I decided I wanted to change jobs and become a sport and remedial massage practitioner. I considered all the difficult social related elements involved with sport massage and felt confident I could rise to the challenge. Since my diagnosis I have almost been like the child who has just taken the stabiliser wheels off their bike and thinks it will be easy to ride without them, I've just flung myself into all the things I wanted to do. Being diagnosed late I'd always worried about who I was and never really pursued anything I wanted to do, my diagnosis was the figurative green light that signalled it is ok, go ahead. So I went through a year's worth of training to qualify as a sport and remedial massage practitioner in 2012.</div>
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At the end of 2012 and beginning of 2013 I began the task of preparing to be self employed running my own business. Why I wasn't at all fazed by this back then I have no idea! Just over half way through 2013 I'm thinking why did I have this idea to do something like this?! For someone who finds most of the world quite hard to work out normally entering the world of business and networking feels as though I have been tied to a spinning top. For me social media was great...until I had to start being social!<br />
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But it is not only that world and it was not only the sport massage knowledge I had to learn, I've also had to learn how the 'system' works, I have to learn how to market and sell myself and consider how my business runs so that I am compliant with legislation and following best practice. So now I'm thinking I should have booked myself on more courses than just the clinical sport and remedial massage diploma I did.<br />
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Fortunately for me the local NAS have been supporting me although supporting into self employment is a new things for them too. They have been able to help me to work things out, structure my business and help give direction to my weeks by helping me to prioritise what I need to do first. The whole process has been hard and I also recognise that I probably make things more complicated with my perfectionism. I am also lucky that my husband has many hidden talents and has been able to assist with design and technical elements I might have struggled with.<br />
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However anything worth having in life is hard. If it was easy we would all do it and then there would be no value in it. But I am not one to give up or give in - as much as I would sometimes like to. I've learnt to be incredibly resourceful throughout my life growing up undiagnosed and I'm not prepared to fail without knowing that I have put every ounce of energy into what I'm doing. And to be honest right now I am not even thinking about the possibility of failure, I have invested time and money into the dream of a career I love and I'm not doing badly. Things are probably taking me longer because of the additional challenges that come along with having Asperger's Syndrome and some delays with accessing support but I'm confident I have the right support now, I'm excited about the future and perhaps a little impatient for it to all really kick off. I know there will be many more challenges and twists in the road but I will learn to deal with those and become a better, more confident person for it. I worry about my naivety, picking up on 'bad vibes' and also of being taken advantage of.<br />
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And the good news? Since I started doing sport and remedial massage my social skills have dramatically improved. I have a lot more confidence when speaking to people and I'm more tolerant of small talk and chit chat seeing it as 'part of the job'. Sometimes I feel terribly awkward and uncomfortable, I have absolutely no idea how noticeable it is but I put it to one side. A lot of my clients know I have Asperger's, I don't hide it but nor do I drop it in when they come for their first appointment. I'm happy to talk about it but also don't feel I need to talk about it, just like with anything else in my life it is just another thing in my life but not one that will be a barrier to the life I want. <br />
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For more information on my business you can check out my business website www.topformremedial.com, find my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/TopFormSportsRemedialMassage or follow me on Twitter @TopFormSRM</div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-32829534527644402332013-07-02T16:41:00.003+01:002013-07-02T16:44:00.244+01:00Pets And Their Importance<div style="text-align: justify;">
So this is my second blog post in less than a day but I feel I really need to get this out of my system. Last week I lost my best friend, my 14 year old black labrador Becks.</div>
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To some people animals are just animals but to me Becks was so much more than just a pet. There are also people who feel their pets are more than a family pet and are a full family member but again to me Becks was so much more than just that. Becks was my truest friend, my closest ally and trusted confidante. </div>
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At 12 years old, a year or so after my family had lost Kelly the family dog, I had begged and begged my parents for another dog and was absolutely delighted when they finally relented and we visited a litter of 6 gorgeous black labrador puppies. My two brothers and I fell in love with Becks from the start. He was the most placid of the puppies, so easy going and patient and these qualities never changed. </div>
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Back in those days I was a quiet young girl with a passion for football, I hadn't even started kickboxing and so Becks was named after David Beckham - my hero at the time. I also hadn't been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and having Becks proved to be so vital to me over my teenage years, we grew to be inseparable. I spent hours training him and teaching him little tricks, Becks was always eager to learn and some worked out well and some not so well. I'm sure a lot of people have had the dream of teaching their dog to fetch them the newspaper out of the door....well I taught Becks how to do this, it worked well until he decided it would be more fun to snatch the newspaper out of the door and bark at the closed door! But most of the things I taught him surprisingly worked well despite my younger brother's interference - I remember one occasion where I was trying to teach Becks 'fetch' in the garden and my little brother decided to chase him round the garden which of course Becks thought was much more fun!!</div>
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Anyone who has grown up with Asperger's Syndrome will tell you that it isn't easy but when you grow up not knowing that you have Asperger's Syndrome life can be incredibly confusing, scary and sad, not knowing why you are different - this was my experience. In my teenage years I withdrew into myself a lot, I really struggled to connect with other people and to me it seemed that the people around me expected things of me that I could not give nor could I be. Then there was Becks. Becks who never expected me to be anything more than I was, who chose my company and completely adored me. So many people loved Becks and to so many children he was almost like their puppy too, they all wanted him but he was mine and for someone who had often felt 'bottom of the pile' that acceptance and unconditional love was so so important even if it came from a dog.</div>
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Becks always knew when I was upset or something was wrong. He was an incredibly affectionate and intuitive dog. I remember going through school I would just want to get home and see him because I knew when I did I would feel calm again. When there were bad days I would sit with Becks in the dark and somehow it all just felt better, he always stayed by my side and never left. One particular occasion that I remember vividly is when as an adult I had an occupational therapist visit me at home, again this was pre-diagnosis and at that time I suffered a lot of anxiety brought on through the worry of not knowing why some things didn't make sense to me. These visits were incredibly anxiety provoking for me and Becks must have sensed this. Normally when someone came to visit he would fuss around at the start but then get bored and either sleep or play with a toy somewhere else but on this occasion he sat by my side, eventually jumping up onto the sofa by me and resting his head on my leg. It was as though he knew I needed him.</div>
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Then came the day where I left home to make my own home with my husband. I missed Becks so much and we regularly had him come to visit and stay over night until he became too old. Despite the fact that I no longer lived at the family home Becks didn't forget me and everytime we were together it was just as it had always been. </div>
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Over this year Becks began to show signs of old age, physically he began to deteriorate and had difficulty walking. It has been heartbreaking to see him slowly stop running around, climbing stairs, jumping over things and playing. All year I have been dreading the day that I would lose him until I realised that I could never lose him. Whether Becks is still here or not he has helped to shape my life and played a role I wouldn't have had anyone else fill. So last Thursday when Becks suddenly became very ill I put everything to one side to make sure he was as comfortable as he could possibly be until we were able to have him put to sleep. As sad and awful that day was I will always treasure those hours I spent with Becks in my arms hoping that what I was doing could in some way repay him for everything he gave me and I was glad to hold him in my arms as he shut his eyes for the final time. One amazing, legend of a dog that I will miss terribly. RIP Becks, my best friend.<br />
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<i><span class="userContent">"Nothing is nicer than having someone who
appreciates you in the smallest things.. Accepts you in times of
hardships. Comforts you when you're troubled. Loves you no matter what
and is simply happy for having you in their life." - Ritu Ghatourey</span></i></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-4874921231744603792013-07-02T00:58:00.001+01:002013-07-03T10:58:02.656+01:00Autism Show, House of Commons & Becoming a Patron for Anna Kennedy
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I have been up to so much recently that it has been difficult to keep up with blog posts, I thought I might as well combine all of these into one post - if I can manage to contain my excitement! And it truly has been an exciting time for me, exciting and a complete whirlwind, so much so that I'm wondering how I am managing to keep up with everything and this crazy juggling act I feel I'm doing. In truth I'm probably not keeping up too well hence the lack of blog posts BUT I am still learning...</div>
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<u>The Autism Show - Excel Arena, London - 14th June 2013</u></div>
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There I was one day just minding my own business, still incredibly overwhelmed at the response from Autism's Got Talent when my mobile phone rang and who could it be other than Anna Kennedy! I think I answered it, can't quite remember (I'm not the best at answering my mobile, depends whether I feel I can cope with a conversation) but the message was simple, "please can you come and do a talk at the Autism Show as part of Autism's Got Talent..." ended with the usual I need to know by yesterday! Of course my answer was an emphatic yes, I always feel it is an honour to be asked to share my story. </div>
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Next came the working out of the logistics...who can help me get to London? I am terrible at working out where I have got to go - signs, timetables, directions, it is all confusion to me and you'd think I'd be able to pinpoint all the relevant information with my attention to detail but somehow it doesn't seem to quite work like that. Normally Adam my husband has the unenviable task of dragging me through train stations and airports and to new, big, busy places however unfortunately on this occasion he was unable to take time off work due to the fact we were on holiday the following week! Luckily I managed to find a friend to come along with me, Amy who was more than happy to come along given her profession as a speech and language therapist. she was quite looking forward to having a look around at the event.</div>
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Being the perfectionist crazy person that I am, I decided that instead of doing the same word for word talk I did for Autism's Got Talent that I would change it slightly. I think that I had been doing a lot of work for my business that I had begun to realise how much of a challenge and achievement it was for me to be doing that as well as my more obvious achievements in kickboxing and I decided I wanted to balance that out a little bit.</div>
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I am still very new to speaking to larger audiences, I am used to big audiences of small people in schools or small groups of adults - so speaking to all these grown ups who also have some experience of autism is quite daunting. I have always struggled with confidence and have never been the kind of person to speak up in groups and previously I would have done anything to avoid this kind of activity which my friend Amy reflected on having known me from my school years. What has changed since then in me is a defiant belief that I can do anything I want to do and that I have a right to be heard and understood for who I am.</div>
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I really enjoyed doing the talk and after I had finished Anna Kennedy made the announcement that she would like me to become a patron for her charity. It was an amazing feeling and honour to be asked to fill a role that I personally thinks carries so much responsibility. Growing up as I have done and often feeling 'bottom of the pile' to others it was such a great feeling to know that Anna thinks that I can be a good role model to other people. I really hope that I am able to live up to that and want to do as much as I can to help others and bring awareness to the challenges but also positive stories about Asperger's and autism.</div>
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<u>House of Commons - Positive Image Celebrating Women in Sport</u></div>
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So there I was a week after the Autism Show on holiday and again Anna Kennedy calls. 'Jo, do you want to come to the House of Commons on Tuesday?' Completely taken by surprise I thought why not. Anna had been invited to an event by one her Tesco Mum of the Year friends Kate Hardcastle, it was an event as part of Kate's Positive Image Inspiring Confidence campaign with this event in particular celebrating women in sport. Anna thought as I was a woman and heavily involved in sport that this would be a great opportunity for me. I, of course, agreed!</div>
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So on Tuesday 25th June, my husband and I travelled down to London once again to the House of Commons. Here we went on a tour and met Victoria Pendleton. Anna said some really nice things about how great I was to Victoria. My experience at the House of Commons was brilliant - I met some fantastic, inspiring women including Tina Boden who has since been in contact with me trying to help me to raise the funds I need to be able to compete in this year's World Championships. Anna was great to me again in bringing my challenges in getting the funding to be able to compete to the attention of various people.<br>
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If anyone is able to help me out, however big or small, with getting to World Championships please go to this address http://www.gofundme.com/2kvedw - I really appreciate any help or support given.<br>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-28099571470689828552013-05-20T00:39:00.003+01:002013-05-20T00:39:33.032+01:00Winning & Working Hard<div style="text-align: justify;">
Winning and working hard are usually two things that come as a pair and it's something that I do on a daily basis. Everyday I am working hard and everyday I am winning and I don't mean in a sporting sense. </div>
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I grew up undiagnosed on the autistic spectrum and I can tell you that is not easy and certainly not fun. To not understand or know why you can't seem to do some of the things everyone else is doing is simply devastating to your confidence and self-esteem let alone the fact not only could I not do those things but I also did not have the help I needed. To have always felt on the periphery of social groups and like you never belong or fit in and to not know how to connect with others has always been something that made me feel unbelievably sad and terribly inadequate - never underestimate the value of those things. On the outside I appear completely "normal" most of the time, especially to people who know me and who I am comfortable with, but all of the time I'm having to work incredibly hard just to keep up with the world and you. To some people it is implausible to think that I could have difficulty with a lot of the things I do and to those people I can come across as being rude, disrespectful, insincere, awkward and even a little bit thick. I am anything other than those things, I want and try so hard to please and help other people going way beyond what is required or even expected of me in order to do so but often this is not noticeable.</div>
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Since I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I have achieved a lot of things both in my sport and also in other areas of my life. I attribute this to the attitude I have rather than to how much or little ability I have. The most able and talented of people will not achieve without the right attitude to working hard - life is all about attitude. I am fortunate to be able to say that to me Asperger's Syndrome means that I just have to work a little harder to achieve my goals than other people might. I am determined and driven, I want to succeed, hate to lose and refuse to accept what people believe I can't do - I love to prove them wrong and make no mistake if you ever doubt me I will prove you wrong.</div>
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You could say that some of the traits of Asperger's Syndrome are like an extreme form of what other people experience in some of their daily lives. To me Asperger's Syndrome is never knowing what to say to people, needing structure and organisation, struggling to understand what others mean to name a few but I'm sure there are many people that can say they have experienced times where they didn't know what to say or where to start. For me it is just more extreme and an everyday challenge, the most trivial of things to you can be incredibly upsetting to me. I have to have a purpose to everything I do, everything has to be logical and make sense - sometimes I need help to see the logic and without it I won't do what you're asking me to do. </div>
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Asperger's frustrates me intensely on occasion - some days I resent the fact I have Asperger's to the extent that I resent myself and suddenly everything made harder by having Asperger's I can't do. I do have those days but because of them I also find life with Asperger's to be quite rewarding. When I have worked hard to achieve something and it pays off the fact I had to work harder makes it doubly as rewarding, the end outcome of some of my perfectionism can be truly worth the frustration and just being to true to who I am is such a relief after the years I spent worrying and covering up my difficulties through fear. I enjoy my own company, I'm happy and content doing the things I love and I'm at peace with who I am - there are few people in the world who can say that.</div>
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So please forgive me for the fact I don't always look you in the eye, forgive me for not always picking up on how you feel or what you mean and forgive me when I do something you don't understand because I forgive you for not understanding. Asperger's Syndrome and kickboxing are the perfect marriage for me because through having Asperger's Syndrome and growing up undiagnosed I know what it means to fight and I know what it takes to win - I have had to fight for everything I have, just to live in your world...and I'm still winning, everyday. </div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04488566887465981245noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4725618259675451106.post-82093852191626306502013-05-17T16:05:00.000+01:002013-05-17T16:05:29.107+01:00Sounds & Distractions<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: justify;">
It's been a while since my last update and really I didn't mean for it to have been so long, I have been incredibly busy and stressed with it. I have just got a new tablet and new business phone and trying to adjust to these and also making the most of new technologies has proved slightly challenging even though I am pretty good with new technology. However here I am now, sat with said tablet writing my first update on it.</div>
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Sounds and distractions are the inspiration behind this post, please bear in mind that I'm writing of my experiences and not a generalisation of Aspergers Syndrome. Tonight I was sat synchronizing my google calendar and booking systems onto various devices and various other things and it was taking me forever. I was getting distracted by the tv which my husband was watching and other things that were going on. I just couldn't think straight. I found myself getting more and more stressed out, the more stressed I became the harder things were and the more difficult it was to shut those things out. People with Asperger's sometimes have problems with how they perceive or process through their senses, with hearing being one of them.</div>
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Sensory issues can manifest in a number of ways, they can be heightened or under sensitised, specifically in terms of hearing (since this blog topic is sounds) certain sounds can appear louder than others, all sounds can hit at the same volume or certain sounds can be distressing. In social environments I find it so hard to follow what people are saying to me if there are lots of conversations going on or sounds around simply because I'm unable to filter out all the things I don't need to hear. It can be frustrating and embarrassing as I just end up nodding along, smiling like I have some idea what has been said and hoping they don't ask a question or I don't say something that reveals I have absolutely no idea what has been said over the last half an hour!</div>
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On this occasion in the end I resorted to getting hold of my headphones and iPod as I so often do in order to regain my concentration...and it worked! As soon as I pressed play an instant wave of calm and relief passed over me and I could concentrate again. I think this works by filtering out all the things my brain has to work hard to work out replacing it by something easier to listen to, music. My husband often moans that it is like I have a soundtrack to my life as I walk around the house with my iPod on or music playing through loudspeaker on my iPhone, its that or the hifi is blaring and he can't concentrate the same way I can with music. I seem to need music to fully concentrate, he needs quiet to concentrate and the odd sound doesn't distract him! Does anyone else do this too? Or what do you find distracts or helps you?</div>
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