23 December 2014

2014 Review

I had such an incredible 2013, filled with amazing experiences I never imagined I would have. It was always going to be a tough one to follow, but I could never have foreseen how drastically different my 2014 would be. If 2013 is to be described as incredible, well 2014 can only be described as horrific and in this present moment it truly feels as though it has been one of the worst and most painful years of my life....and I have had some pretty tough years! 

2014 has just been one big battle after another, fire fighting problems but never stemming the source or addressing prevention methods. 2013's review focused a lot on all the things I had achieved in sport and in the world of autism. I cannot sit here and write a bleak account on all the failings and pain of this year, in spite of all that I do have some good memories and achievements to reflect upon so this review is completely personal.

Ankle Injury March 2014
I have learnt a lot this year, some good things, some bad, but also a lot about myself. I always knew that I was fighter and that I was a strong person but even so I'm almost surprised that I am still here, still doing this. If you know me you might think you know what I have been through this year or that you have an idea. You don't and it is likely you never will. You can never know what it is like to be told by every mental health service, the specialist team for ADHD & Asperger's and your GP that they cannot help you at your lowest point, when you need them the most. Nor the irony that it was these very services that brought you to this point in the first place. I've had it all - anxiety, stress, depression, a diagnosis of another neurodevelopmental disorder, dealing with longstanding painful issues, financial difficulties, social care assessments, PIP assessments, increased meltdowns and a severe injury. I don't need to elaborate on these, a fair amount of it has been covered in the blog posts I did manage this year. 

I felt as though I hadn't done a lot this year. Sporting wise I was out of action for 4 months and 9 months on from the injury the ankle still isn't right and I am only just starting to rediscover my form as a fighter. I still won a couple of British titles and a silver and bronze at the World Championships which I hadn't been sure I would be able to compete at following both my injury and also the difficulties I had been experiencing with my anxiety. I had explosive meltdowns nearly everyday while away at the World Championships, in the arena, in public areas, with my team and in our hotel room. I was fortunate to be able to attend this competition with the assistance of my sponsors SEN Magazine and Tough Furniture Ltd.

With the girls from my team at BCKA
Not being able to train and compete to the best of my ability hurt a lot, it hurt a lot having to have all the time off with the injury. I struggled to be at training and cope with it because what I was capable of doing was different to what I was used to. But even though I wasn't coping myself I was still able to help my team mates. I didn't realise how much so until our Presentation Night when many of them and their parents approached me to thank me for helping to improve their fighting, for my support, advice and help when they had been struggling to cope themselves. I'm proud of myself for being able to and choosing to make a difference to other people even when I am struggling myself. 

In the autism world I still managed to do some things. I went to Anna Kennedy Online's Autism's Got Talent, spoke at the Autism Show, spoke at a conference on disability for the Job Centre, spoke at a conference for speech and language therapists, I supported Wear It For Autism and Artists of Autism where I had my own wall about my achievements. My video for the In Good Company project was launched on World Autism Awareness Day, I did a radio interview for BBC Northampton and interviews for Vice Fightland and CNN about achieving in my sport with autism. I also followed up my Asperger's Awareness comic with a comic about Asperger's & Schools. I did assemblies at Baston House School and Green Oaks Primary, as well as being a special guest and keynote speaker at Easton & Otley College prize giving ceremony. I was also honoured by being asked to become a Fighter Ambassador for Fighting For Autism.

2014 was also a year where I got my puppy Oscar. Oscar is an awesome dog. He has grown up alongside what has been a tumultuous year for me but he is so intelligent he has learnt a lot from this. Oscar is a great help to me especially as he becomes more mature and calm. He understands when I need him to be there and how he can help when I am stressed or in meltdown. We have become inseparable and I couldn't ask for a better dog.

I also had two children dress up as me for Sport Relief as their sports hero. A young girl on the autism spectrum called Cherish who I met last year and my little friend Izzy. To have this happen is truly humbling and a great feeling to know that other people look up to me like that.

Eventually I hope that I can put all the negative feelings and events behind me and remember 2014 for all these amazing things that happened but also as the year that I was blessed with such special friends - Owen, Izzy, Mick & Vicky. They have helped me out looking after Oscar for me while I was fighting in competitions and have all contributed something special to my year. Izzy tells me how awesome I am and the first time I met her she decorated a biscuit for me. Izzy always gives me big hugs and is always making things to give me which I treasure. She is such a sweet, kind and generous little girl who desperately wants to make others happy. I have all the time in the world for Izzy and have loved helping with her homework projects this year. Owen and I are both on the autism spectrum and becoming his friend has been one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. A lot of people don't get him but Owen is an amazing kid you just need to take the time to really see him, there is so much going on with him - he is so intelligent, so caring and has no idea whatsoever how amazing he is. My friendship with Owen has helped me to not feel so different and I hope that I can help him find his way through life in whatever way he needs me to and show him that he can succeed. We have done so many things together this year - painting, film days, swimming, light saber battles, trampolining, kickboxing, football and we have our own special handshake. Owen also did a charity bike ride for Anna Kennedy Online and in preparation we made an awesome promo video. I was very proud of Owen.
Me and Izzy on my birthday
Me and Owen with our painting










Mick and Vicky have helped me so much this year, they have both taken me to appointments and accept me as I am which I appreciate so much. Vicky was helping me before she even knew me and she still didn't really know me that well but gave me her time and support, not many people would do what she has done for someone they didn't know that well. Some people might say she is crazy but I prefer to recognise that she is just a very special person. As I said I have had to fight battle after battle this year and it has made a huge difference to me to see Vicky there helping me to fight, being my voice when needed and helping me to have and find my own voice. Knowing that there are people like Vicky and Mick around helps me to keep going and I'd like to thank them for being my friends, doing what they can to be there for me and making me feel so valued. Thank you for bringing some good to my 2014.