Winning & Working Hard

Winning and working hard are usually two things that come as a pair and it's something that I do on a daily basis.  Everyday I am working hard and everyday I am winning and I don't mean in a sporting sense.  

I grew up undiagnosed on the autistic spectrum and I can tell you that is not easy and certainly not fun.  To not understand or know why you can't seem to do some of the things everyone else is doing is simply devastating to your confidence and self-esteem let alone the fact not only could I not do those things but I also did not have the help I needed.  To have always felt on the periphery of social groups and like you never belong or fit in and to not know how to connect with others has always been something that made me feel unbelievably sad and terribly inadequate - never underestimate the value of those things.  On the outside I appear completely "normal" most of the time, especially to people who know me and who I am comfortable with, but all of the time I'm having to work incredibly hard just to keep up with the world and you.  To some people it is implausible to think that I could have difficulty with a lot of the things I do and to those people I can come across as being rude, disrespectful, insincere, awkward and even a little bit thick.  I am anything other than those things, I want and try so hard to please and help other people going way beyond what is required or even expected of me in order to do so but often this is not noticeable.

Since I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I have achieved a lot of things both in my sport and also in other areas of my life.  I attribute this to the attitude I have rather than to how much or little ability I have.  The most able and talented of people will not achieve without the right attitude to working hard - life is all about attitude.  I am fortunate to be able to say that to me Asperger's Syndrome means that I just have to work a little harder to achieve my goals than other people might.  I am determined and driven, I want to succeed, hate to lose and refuse to accept what people believe I can't do - I love to prove them wrong and make no mistake if you ever doubt me I will prove you wrong.

You could say that some of the traits of Asperger's Syndrome are like an extreme form of what other people experience in some of their daily lives.  To me Asperger's Syndrome is never knowing what to say to people, needing structure and organisation, struggling to understand what others mean to name a few but I'm sure there are many people that can say they have experienced times where they didn't know what to say or where to start.  For me it is just more extreme and an everyday challenge, the most trivial of things to you can be incredibly upsetting to me.  I have to have a purpose to everything I do, everything has to be logical and make sense - sometimes I need help to see the logic and without it I won't do what you're asking me to do.  

Asperger's frustrates me intensely on occasion - some days I resent the fact I have Asperger's to the extent that I resent myself and suddenly everything made harder by having Asperger's I can't do.  I do have those days but because of them I also find life with Asperger's to be quite rewarding.  When I have worked hard to achieve something and it pays off the fact I had to work harder makes it doubly as rewarding, the end outcome of some of my perfectionism can be truly worth the frustration and just being to true to who I am is such a relief after the years I spent worrying and covering up my difficulties through fear.  I enjoy my own company, I'm happy and content doing the things I love and I'm at peace with who I am - there are few people in the world who can say that.

So please forgive me for the fact I don't always look you in the eye, forgive me for not always picking up on how you feel or what you mean and forgive me when I do something you don't understand because I forgive you for not understanding.  Asperger's Syndrome and kickboxing are the perfect marriage for me because through having Asperger's Syndrome and growing up undiagnosed I know what it means to fight and I know what it takes to win - I have had to fight for everything I have, just to live in your world...and I'm still winning, everyday. 

Sounds & Distractions

It's been a while since my last update and really I didn't mean for it to have been so long, I have been incredibly busy and stressed with it. I have just got a new tablet and new business phone and trying to adjust to these and also making the most of new technologies has proved slightly challenging even though I am pretty good with new technology. However here I am now, sat with said tablet writing my first update on it.

Sounds and distractions are the inspiration behind this post, please bear in mind that I'm writing of my experiences and not a generalisation of Aspergers Syndrome. Tonight I was sat synchronizing my google calendar and booking systems onto various devices and various other things and it was taking me forever. I was getting distracted by the tv which my husband was watching and other things that were going on. I just couldn't think straight. I found myself getting more and more stressed out, the more stressed I became the harder things were and the more difficult it was to shut those things out. People with Asperger's sometimes have problems with how they perceive or process through their senses, with hearing being one of them.

Sensory issues can manifest in a number of ways, they can be heightened or under sensitised, specifically in terms of hearing (since this blog topic is sounds) certain sounds can appear louder than others, all sounds can hit at the same volume or certain sounds can be distressing. In social environments I find it so hard to follow what people are saying to me if there are lots of conversations going on or sounds around simply because I'm unable to filter out all the things I don't need to hear. It can be frustrating and embarrassing as I just end up nodding along, smiling like I have some idea what has been said and hoping they don't ask a question or I don't say something that reveals I have absolutely no idea what has been said over the last half an hour!

On this occasion in the end I resorted to getting hold of my headphones and iPod as I so often do in order to regain my concentration...and it worked! As soon as I pressed play an instant wave of calm and relief passed over me and I could concentrate again. I think this works by filtering out all the things my brain has to work hard to work out replacing it by something easier to listen to, music.  My husband often moans that it is like I have a soundtrack to my life as I walk around the house with my iPod on or music playing through loudspeaker on my iPhone,  its that or the hifi is blaring and he can't concentrate the same way I can with music. I seem to need music to fully concentrate, he needs quiet to concentrate and the odd sound doesn't distract him!  Does anyone else do this too?  Or what do you find distracts or helps you?

Autism's Got Talent

In recent months I have had the pleasure of meeting Anna Kennedy on twitter (@AnnaKennedy1).  Anna Kennedy is a wonderful woman who has dedicated a great amount of her time to advocating for those with autism through various ventures conducted by her charity Anna Kennedy Online.  She has been recognised with countless awards and honours including an OBE.  Having already shared my story with her in support of her anti-bullying campaing 'Give Us A Break', I was proud to think that she thought of me as inspirational through the things I have achieved and how I have turned my life around from what it once was.

Then a couple of weeks ago Anna got in contact with me to ask if I would be able to speak at the show Autism's Got Talent that Anna Kennedy Online were organising with help from Pineapple Performing Arts School.  Autism's Got Talent is a show featuring performers who are on the autistic spectrum.  I knew straight away that this was something I couldn't turn down.  This celebration of the talents of those who had an autistic spectrum condition was something that I really believe in and I always have a lot to say so I said yes!

The show was to be held on the 11th May at the Mermaid Theatre in London with an estimated audience between 400-600 people.  However first there was a matter of a meet and greet at Pineapple Dance Studios on the Friday.  Myself and my husband travelled down to London on Friday afternoon, negotiating the London Underground was not a prospect I relished and I know full well that without my husband's help I would have ended up well and truly lost!  On the way down to London he said "I think I would really enjoy going to London if I were going on my own", so I asked him why he wouldn't enjoy it so much going with me to which he replied "because you're a pain in the arse"....that just about sums up me and travelling!!

Myself and Anna Kennedy

Upon arrival we met the wonderful Austin and Lisa from the AKO team, who between the two of them got us to Pineapple Dance Studios in rush hour.  Here we met Anna Kennedy and some of the performers including one young man who had come all the way from Canada for the event! 

The next day we had to go to the Mermaid Theatre where the teams from AKO and Pineapple worked relentlessly to ensure the whole show would run smoothly that evening.  Just before doors opened and the big event began we all had our photos taken on the red carpet with Anna Kennedy (see above).  I felt slightly nervous about my planned talk, I had struggled to fit everything I wanted to say into it but I adopted my fighting mentality and relied on the belief and conviction I had for what I had planned to say.  I had the privilege to share a dressing room with two extremely talented singers Madelaine Hardy and Marie Gorton and we all helped keep each other calm and reassured.

For the first part of the show and following my contribution I sat in the auditorium as a member of the audience and was treated to some magnificent individual and group performances.  There was something for everyone over the evening with a rock band, dance groups, singers, raps and even a panto scene.  I enjoyed every single performance with everyone stepping onto the stage showing themselves to be a true star of the show.  It was so inspiring to watch everyone demonstrate their talents and through doing so give encouragement to other people to be who they are and believe in the things they can do.

And as for my talk...well I think this went well.  It was the first time I had spoken at something that big and I am relatively new to public speaking.  I have received some incredible feedback which I am extremely pleased about and more than anything hope that I might have helped to inspire others on the autistic spectrum...or not on the autistic spectrum to never give up and follow their dreams just as I have done to become who I am today.

I would like to thank all involved in the production of this wonderful show, your efforts were very much appreciated!  All in all I had a wonderful time and met some great people.