Winning and working hard are usually two things that come as a pair and it's something that I do on a daily basis. Everyday I am working hard and everyday I am winning and I don't mean in a sporting sense.
I grew up undiagnosed on the autistic spectrum and I can tell you that is not easy and certainly not fun. To not understand or know why you can't seem to do some of the things everyone else is doing is simply devastating to your confidence and self-esteem let alone the fact not only could I not do those things but I also did not have the help I needed. To have always felt on the periphery of social groups and like you never belong or fit in and to not know how to connect with others has always been something that made me feel unbelievably sad and terribly inadequate - never underestimate the value of those things. On the outside I appear completely "normal" most of the time, especially to people who know me and who I am comfortable with, but all of the time I'm having to work incredibly hard just to keep up with the world and you. To some people it is implausible to think that I could have difficulty with a lot of the things I do and to those people I can come across as being rude, disrespectful, insincere, awkward and even a little bit thick. I am anything other than those things, I want and try so hard to please and help other people going way beyond what is required or even expected of me in order to do so but often this is not noticeable.
Since I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome I have achieved a lot of things both in my sport and also in other areas of my life. I attribute this to the attitude I have rather than to how much or little ability I have. The most able and talented of people will not achieve without the right attitude to working hard - life is all about attitude. I am fortunate to be able to say that to me Asperger's Syndrome means that I just have to work a little harder to achieve my goals than other people might. I am determined and driven, I want to succeed, hate to lose and refuse to accept what people believe I can't do - I love to prove them wrong and make no mistake if you ever doubt me I will prove you wrong.
You could say that some of the traits of Asperger's Syndrome are like an extreme form of what other people experience in some of their daily lives. To me Asperger's Syndrome is never knowing what to say to people, needing structure and organisation, struggling to understand what others mean to name a few but I'm sure there are many people that can say they have experienced times where they didn't know what to say or where to start. For me it is just more extreme and an everyday challenge, the most trivial of things to you can be incredibly upsetting to me. I have to have a purpose to everything I do, everything has to be logical and make sense - sometimes I need help to see the logic and without it I won't do what you're asking me to do.
Asperger's frustrates me intensely on occasion - some days I resent the fact I have Asperger's to the extent that I resent myself and suddenly everything made harder by having Asperger's I can't do. I do have those days but because of them I also find life with Asperger's to be quite rewarding. When I have worked hard to achieve something and it pays off the fact I had to work harder makes it doubly as rewarding, the end outcome of some of my perfectionism can be truly worth the frustration and just being to true to who I am is such a relief after the years I spent worrying and covering up my difficulties through fear. I enjoy my own company, I'm happy and content doing the things I love and I'm at peace with who I am - there are few people in the world who can say that.
So please forgive me for the fact I don't always look you in the eye, forgive me for not always picking up on how you feel or what you mean and forgive me when I do something you don't understand because I forgive you for not understanding. Asperger's Syndrome and kickboxing are the perfect marriage for me because through having Asperger's Syndrome and growing up undiagnosed I know what it means to fight and I know what it takes to win - I have had to fight for everything I have, just to live in your world...and I'm still winning, everyday.
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