I've had many friendships over the years but quite often they don't always seem to last. I guess really I am not everybody's ideal friend, I am either terribly intense which can become tiring or I 'disappear' at times. And this disappearing tends to be when I am focused on a goal or more often than not I am in training for a competition - I become a terrible friend because my whole life becomes dominated by what I am doing and anything that is not connected to that I'm not that interested in. Now this enables me to be very successful in the things I choose to do but can also be quite isolating as I 'neglect' friends and family, putting things off until the competition is done.
It is not always easy for me to make friends either, I have always been terrible at making small talk, keeping things light and asking people about themselves. I find it really hard to find topics of conversation that are not based on what I am doing, kickboxing or Asperger's. In terms of general topics I only like to talk about things I know something about and when it comes to asking people about themselves I always assume if they want to tell me stuff then they will.
But having said that I have managed to forge many friendships which at the time seemed quite strong but in the end turned out not to be. I have lost count of the amount of friends I have had where things were great then suddenly that friend just disappeared, and by this I mean that one day they just stopped speaking to me. In some cases it was as severe as there was no reply and in others it was a gradual distancing but in all cases I have never been able to work out why and in each case there was almost like a grieving process.
There was one example of this a friend I believed to be a close friend, who I was able to confide in and who, at first, was so helpful and supportive through the tough times I had pre-diagnosis. We worked closely together and I really looked up to this person and admired them. It wasn't all doom and gloom, there were some good laughs and things along the way but then one day something changed. Whether my unexplained behaviour became too much, I don't know but I do know that it was questioned whether I 'put on' my behaviour and this was incredibly hurtful. At this time before I was diagnosed I was really worried, really anxious and afraid about who I was and what my life was going to be like, I actually hated who I was. I couldn't make sense of things and as hard as I had tried I struggled to keep up and fit in. It got to the point where this friend would no longer speak to me, where they would make fun of me when they thought I didn't know and even more they would get quite frustrated with me and much more. It went from being someone I felt so comfortable being around and could talk to, to someone who it was uncomfortable to be around and who made me feel anxious. Looking back now I see and understand that they didn't know I had Asperger's and neither did I.
It is questionable whether or not despite this their actions were wrong but I chose to forgive this person and all the other people who made fun of me a long time ago. I look at it in two ways, the people who I do not know so well probably never really mattered that much to me and if they want to make fun then as long as it is not hurting me it is them wasting their energy on me rather than on their own lives. And the people who I considered close friends...well once they meant something to me and while yes it hurt the way they chose to act I don't need to hold on to that, I choose to forgive them for what they were to me and the things they did for me and concentrate on my own life. That is the ultimate choice to concentrate on my own life, on being successful, following my dreams and being happy as I am. People and things don't make me happy, what I achieve and do does. Rather than concentrate on the people from my past I want to look after the people in my life now, the people who want to be in my life who understand my need to focus or why I might be a little intense, or even if they don't accept it. I am lucky for all the people I have met and got to know, it is overwhelming how good some people are to me and this eclipses all those who have not treated me so well.
