Sports Awards, Hall of Fame Awards...Speeches....

I always seem to be saying this but it really is true so maybe I should be getting used to it but November has been a very busy, hectic month for me.  Sooo much has happened, a lot of wonderful things but truthfully I have been struggling a lot.

Since coming back from Italy and the World Championships I have really struggled.  It is not something that is new, I always feel this way after the World Championships and I always forget (inconveniently) that this happens.  I get extremely anxious because that goal I was focusing on is suddenly not there anymore and yes it was something I achieved and that was great but it is a bigger change in my life than it may outwardly appear.  My training - diet and exercise regimen is so structured, I need adequate amounts of sleep, a little bit of remedial work, eating at specific times and of course training.  I have fixed appointments in my calendar and I have something to aim for.  Then I go away to a place I have never been before - where things might be done slightly different to the last time I went to a World Championships and then I come back home to a completely different scenario.  When I come home everyone wants to see me, wants to congratulate me and catch up.  All that structure and training routine is not there anymore, I can still go to the sessions but most of my team are not there, they are resting.  I can eat what I like, when I like.  It is all different.  It feels impossible to keep up that training regimen without the rest of my team doing it, without that clear goal and when those months of hard training are taking their toll.  I do need a rest, but I don't like it.  So I'm anxious, I have all these other things I can be doing but I don't know where to start or what to do.  I don't have the structure I need anymore and I know in a month or two I will be back in that hard training again anyway so whatever I do now is a gap fill.  It is tough to deal with and I have been very anxious these past few weeks, so much so it has been hard to get on top of things.

But nevertheless I have still had some great things happen.  For a start I was nominated for Northants Sports Disabled Sports Person of the Year, an award I won last year.  I was nominated by my friend Austin Hughes who came along with my husband and I.  My coach Alex Barrowman was also up for the Coach of the Year award after winning the district award.  I didn't expect to win as I was up against some tough contenders who had competed in the Paralympics, plus I had won the award the year before so I was incredibly taken aback when I was announced the winner.

My coach and I at the Northants Sports Awards

 

This was a great achievement but then I was invited to speak at Anna Kennedy's Autism's Got Talent Roadshow at Baston House in Bromley on the 16th November.  It is always an honour to be a part of these events.  Everyone performing is so talented at what they do and there is always a great feeling amongst those performing at the show.  I had a difficult and emotional speech lined up, I wondered how I would be able to deliver it without any problems but I needn't have worried.  Normally for Autism's Got Talent my speeches had been about the things I had achieved and telling my story, I felt this time that many people were already aware of my story and that I needed to deliver more of a message through my story.  I am proud to say that it went amazingly well, I had a lot of positive feedback afterwards and Anna requested that I do this speech again when I speak at her autism event at the House of Commons in December.  After then I will hopefully be posting and sharing this speech on youtube.

The very next day, 17th November, I was at the Martial Arts Illustrated Hall of Fame awards where I was put forward for an award.  I was given my award for determination and achievement in martial arts.  It was an honour to receive such an award in the presence of so many dedicated and talented martial artists.  There was also an opportunity to say a few words and five years ago I would have been too scared to but this time I saw it as practise to speak to such a large audience.  I spoke for only a few minutes but had standing ovations from some areas of the crowd which I didn't notice until I was told by people I was sitting with.

Martial Arts Hall of Fame Award

It has been wonderful to have been recognised both in local sport and also the world of martial arts for my achievements and I also really enjoyed speaking at Autism's Got Talent.  Now all that needs to happen is this anxiety to pass and to establish a good structure again.

Anti Bullying Week & Autism Awareness

Earlier this year I was asked to become a patron for Anna Kennedy Online, a charity promoting autism awareness and supporting those affected by autism.  I do not take this role lightly, in fact I see it as a responsibility just as I see the success I have had within my sport - I have a responsibility to encourage others, share my success, my stories in the hope they may help someone.  I remember vividly how I felt in my younger years and I want to be a role model to people who are struggling with confidence issues - believe in yourself because you are capable of more than you know.  So when Anna asked me to write something for anti-bullying I dropped everything to give this my full attention.

And here is the outcome,  can also be seen on Anna Kennedy Online website.

"Most people would walk straight past me in the street and never imagine that I am a three times kickboxing world champion, just like they would never guess I have Asperger’s Syndrome.  In fact upon meeting with people I used to go school with – fellow pupils and old teachers – it seems that I would be the last person any of them would have picked to have achieved what I have.  At school I was withdrawn, extremely quiet, very anxious with low self esteem and no confidence to speak of whatsoever. 

I grew up without a diagnosis and not really understanding why I felt so different, but in this case this is beside the point.  I grew up being made fun of, excluded, called names, taunted, pushed around, taken advantage of and it didn’t stop once I became an adult.  As an adult I was ostracised in the workplace, I had my privacy invaded and was emotionally bullied.  I was bullied at school and in the workplace because of my appearance, my sexuality and because I was different in how I acted and reacted to things.  Some of the bullying I experienced I did not realise was classed as bullying at the time and some of it was more obvious.  Being on the autism spectrum can sometimes make it difficult to recognise when the way you are being treated is wrong.

Bullying does not have to be physical, you don’t need to be hurt physically or beaten up regularly, spat at or the target of flying objects or a quick shove over.  Bullying takes on many different forms in both a direct and indirect way.  It can be as obvious as somebody calling you abusive names, taunting or insulting you persistently over things such as appearance, intellect, disability, sexuality, ethnicity, beliefs; or as a subtle as someone creating false rumours about you or purposefully excluding you from being part of an activity.  It can be carried out by one person or a group of people but the general aim is to establish a power over you, to make you feel inferior, vulnerable and maybe manipulate you into doing things you wouldn’t otherwise willingly choose to do. 

Along with advancements in technology bullying has also evolved.  Online or cyber bullying has become commonplace and prominent and ranges from harassment via prank calls, instant messaging, email, text message, online chat, facebook and twitter, to hot or not videos or other videos on facebook and twitter and even to defamatory websites, forums and the hacking of email, facebook and twitter accounts etc.  The internet is a wonderful thing but it has also enabled bullying to become more intrusive and even for people to be threatened anonymously.

Bullying in any form is not ok or acceptable.  It is not ok for anybody to hurt you, it is not ok for anybody to take things from you without you giving permission willingly and it is not ok for anybody to make you feel inferior or less by excluding you on purpose or telling lies about you.  It is also wrong for people to make you think you have to do certain things that you do not willingly choose to do in order to avoid any of the treatment described above.

I hated myself when I was younger, I felt lonely and I believed that I was no good to anybody and that I would never achieve anything.  There were even people who laughed at me when I started kickboxing, who told me I would never be any good at kickboxing – how wrong were they?!  I tried to stay in the background and avoid attention but I was not made to be in the background – just as any other person I was made to live a life that I chose.  And I chose kickboxing.  At 13 years old, when I was at school and bullied, I decided I was going to be a world champion, I was going to be the best.  And it was my focus on this that helped me get through the tough years I had as a teenager.  Things turned out well for me in the end but it was excruciatingly painful and you can’t take that chance.  You shouldn’t have to suffer in silence like I did.

If you are being bullied, if somebody is treating you in any way that causes you hurt and distress or even if you think some of the things you might be being asked to do seem strange and different it is so important that you tell somebody in authority like a teacher, your manager, your parents.  I know as a person on the autism spectrum that this can be difficult, I know that it is hard sometimes to approach anybody, let alone somebody with authority.  You don’t have to approach them directly face to face, you can ask somebody you trust like a friend to help you or you could even write a note.  But it is important you tell somebody because they can help it stop and keep you safeguarded.  Nobody deserves to be bullied or treated badly, for whatever reason.  We are all worthy of being treated with love, dignity and respect just for being who we are.  Different is not less."

Over the last month Facebook discovered Bitstrips, an app which allows you to create cartoons of you and your friends.  I have used Bitstrips (and this took me hours) to put together a comic about Autism and Asperger's Syndrome.  It was difficult to cover every characteristic without doing too much but I hope that I have found a good balance.  Anna Kennedy initially asked if I could do an anti-bullying cartoon for her 'Give Us A Break' campaign but the general awareness one seemed to take over as I realised how these cartoon images could really help to depict some of the challenges and characteristics of Autism and Asperger's.  This comic is now going to print but can be viewed in an album on Facebook, just check out the link below.

Autism Awareness Comic

World Champion...Again - Not As Easy As It Seems

Well I went to Italy and came back World Champion, my third world title.  And I am pleased to have achieved this, really pleased but that week was a tough week.  I should be really proud of how I handled it but last couple of weeks I have felt a little bit sad about it and I wasn't sure if I should write about it because at the end of the day I came out of it as a World Champion but this is exactly the reason I set up my blog for, to write about and bring awareness to things like this.

Going into a competition as the reigning two times World Champion it gets difficult.  There is the pressure of being the champion and people expecting you to win but also there is that how do you measure yourself and how do you show you get better?  Personally I measure against myself and my previous performances, so I set myself my own standards to beat.  Last year I had injuries and didn't feel fully fit, this year I did and I wanted to fight as well as I could - that's what it is all about putting on your best performance on the big stage and sadly I didn't feel that I quite did that.  As a person with Asperger's I find it difficult to let go of disappointments and need to understand why things happen like they do.  So I ruminate and dwell.  

I have said in speeches and in things I have written that it wasn't easy for me doing what I do and that there are barriers caused by Asperger's to my sport.  But even so sometimes even I forget these as "normal" and think really?  In Italy I was unlucky, a lot of things happened out of my control that all together meant that the issues I have were more prominent for me where normally I cope so well.  I rarely feel so on the spectrum as I did that week and chances are few people actually really noticed this.

Anyone who has Asperger's or autism in their lives, whether it be themselves or family, will understand the importance of or even how vital plans are.  I have to have everything planned out, step by step how I expect it to happen, I love my processes and knowing how things are going to work.  By now I get the plan and process of going to a world championship, this was my fifth time but I still need to reaffirm and go over that plan before we go away just to remind myself and to take into account travel plans.  I dont like to be away from what is familiar to me.  And this year things were different. 

I have been fighting with my team for over 10 years now and for the first time ever unexpectedly my coach was unable to come with us due to illness.  Before we even left I really didn't like this, it didn't feel right, I'm sure a lot of my team felt the same but for me it wasn't part of the plan and a major change.  I don't like changes to the plan.  We still as a team had to carry on but I really felt the loss of him not being there.

We set off and it took us 15 hours to reach our destination in Italy.  Now I'm sure there are few people who would actually enjoy a journey like this but can you imagine spending all that time in airports waiting around if you are on the spectrum or have a family member on the spectrum?  You guys will know exactly what I mean.  The journeys are usually long and I use diazepam to help me cope in airports, I needed two lots of medication on the way out.  All it does is chill me out so I don't reach the point where I shut or melt down.  I'm still coping with the sensory input and social stuff going on around me to an extent and I still present as I would normally albeit more spaced out.  I was diagnosed late in my life and have learnt to just "get through" things with minimal fuss despite how much pain it causes me, and you can't always tell when I'm in pain.  I have people say Jo why don't you do this, try this or ask for this - those things never occurred to me before because its not something I knew I could do.  So I wore sunglasses in the airport this year, which massively massively helped.

At the end of this journey was weighing in, possibly what I find the worst part of the whole fighting experience - my feelings and issues on weighing in are covered in my book, so I won't spoil it!  I get really anxious about it worrying I won't make my weight, despite this having never happened to me and there is a lot of waiting around which makes it like hell.  Not making my weight to me would be disastrous because I would not be where I was supposed to be, again it would be another deviation from the plan but on this occasion and as usual my weight was spot on.

So once that was over I thought I can relax now, eat what I like and look forward to fighting.  Wrong.  There was no choice of food.  And the food that was there was ridiculously priced.  Obviously another inconvenience for everyone but on the spectrum I had a plan of the kind of food I wanted to try and eat and when and I couldn't do this.  I respond like a child when I'm not able to do the things I want to do because I can't cope with it, so instantly I hated everything and my husband had a real nightmare on his hands.  The place to eat was full of everyone in the hotel all trying to get some food, buffet style - queues, lots of background noise which is hard for me to filter out.  I struggled a lot in there, I felt on edge, anxious and sick everytime we were there.  All of which probably only my husband would be able to tell.  The meals I had were not meals, they were random foods thrown together, a little bit of this or that on a plate.

Part of my plan for the week was that I was going to fight on a certain day, this didn't happen.  It was different to my plan and that was really tough for me to cope with.  I'd built myself up psychologically, prepared physically and it didn't happen.  That change in the plan again was one thing but there's also the need I have to fight.  Fighting relieves my stress and after a long stressful journey the sooner I have a good scrap the better.  Instead this time these feelings were left to build up.  I like to work my way through competitions and go through the process, on this occasion I went into the process at a later stage and for me that was difficult to cope with.

Then where we would be fighting, in a marquee in a field.  This was not so bad, there were the usual crowds of people shouting, cheering and clapping which is painful to me but which I am accustomed to, expect and cope with using my iPod and taking time out if I can.  The issue here was the lighting, the marquee was lit up by bright halogen lights shining onto the fighting mats.  They didn't startle me but they did feel like they were burning into me when I fought.  And when I fought for the first time I can remember there was no escape.  Normally fighting relaxes me and I lose track of all the shouting and what's going on around me, this time these lights were drawing me out of that place that I like to be in and it was as frustrating as hell.  I trained so hard, travelled all that way and I didn't feel like normal when I fought.  And because of that I hated myself.  Again most people are probably now thinking why?!  But when it comes to fighting, the thing I love to do the most, my feelings are always extreme.  I don't always notice how I feel until I feel in an extreme way and I blamed myself for being on the spectrum for not fighting as I wanted, for stopping me from escaping and taking away those moments I usually enjoy so much.   It was my fault because I had Asperger's and those issues were there because of that - which doesn't make sense but gives an indication of how extreme I felt.

Of course as well there were the social things to deal with too.  I love my team, who did amazingly well bringing back around 40 medals between 22 of us, and I do feel part of my team but when it comes to the social stuff I sometimes feel like a complete idiot.  It's hard to sit and not know how to get involved.  The fact I don't drink probably makes it a little harder.  At the after party again I hated I had Asperger's, like nobody liked me because of that - which is of course stupid but that's just how I feel sometimes because I'm frustrated and I feel like the odd one out.  The social stuff was harder because everything else had been harder.

Anyone who has heard me speak or who has had a conversation with me about Asperger's will know that I am entirely positive about who I am and that having Asperger's is part of that - so you know things were bad if I'm saying I hate myself because I have Asperger's right?  Any parent of a kid with Asperger's who has said this will know those are some hard feelings to be dealing with and I still am now.  It won't last long, it never does but it does happen and I can't not be open about those feelings now because these moments make me who I am too and if I hide them doesn't that make me ashamed of them?  I'm not infallible, I'm not perfect and I don't have all the answers - I have to show both the good and the bad.  On returning from Italy I had lost sight of my achievement and I couldn't recognise that I did well to get through the week but I do now.  Now two weeks on I'm still drained, exhausted and feeling the impact of the travel, the tough week and the months of preparation.  I'm struggling to adjust to a life without the focus of the world championships and to be social again after a week spent pushed to the limits of social interaction.  I've been quiet and withdrawn - this is not me ignoring people, I'm just too worn out to cope with people.  I'm proud to be a three times world champion but I'm also tired and not feeling my best.  This is all part of me and part of living with Aspergers and that's why I had to share this. 

Once again I'm really grateful to all those who supported me in getting to this competition and those who supported me once out there in whatever capacity.  That support means a lot to me and is crucial.  I love to compete on this stage and some of the challenges I faced are always there and expected but this time I struggled more with the process as there were some additional challenges I didn't expect or foresee.  This is all part of life and learning and I have chosen to write this because being on the spectrum it is important to me to bring awareness to issues like these that might otherwise not be seen.  Just because they are not as visible it doesn't mean they aren't there.  I want to congratulate all my team mates on their success too and to thank my husband for keeping it all together for me that week.

I've been a little quiet...World Championships

I have been a little quieter than I would have hoped to be but there are two big reasons for this.  The first has been that over September I started writing a book, so all my writing efforts seem to have been concentrated there!  I am just over half way through now with just over 30000 words written and I haven't been writing every day.  Really excited about getting it finished now, it has opened up a lot of things that I experienced before and brought a lot of memories back - some good and some not so but overall the process has been quite therapeutic for me. 

The other thing that has been dominating a lot of my time and energy has been preparing for the World Championships.  And it is nearly here!  In the early hours of Monday morning we set off for Taranto, Italy to compete.

It has been a long and intense training camp.  I have had some little set backs along the way both in terms of injury and also some Asperger's related issues.  It has been tiring.  My ability to focus on other things always seems to be greatly compromised when I am in training like this.  I don't connect as well with the people in my life and they start to feel neglected.  It is also more difficult to manage all the different roles I fulfil such as with my business, so my social media presence has also been less over this period.  I don't feel like I ever get the time to sit and talk to people either online or offline.

But I have enjoyed every second of training and felt alive.  Well aside from not having certain things in my diet but that's just part of the game.  I know for sure that when we come back from Italy I will have a big gap in my life where training was and all my team mates that I have seen practically every day for the last few months.  These training camps are something bigger, the bond between all of us grows so strong even though we compete as individuals.  We all share a common goal, a common love and passion for our sport.

We had a little run out a couple of weeks ago at the FSK British Championships where we were given itineraries and our new kit for the Worlds.  I won my category in spite of some major sensory struggles that day.  I almost thought at one point that I may not be fighting but managed to hold it together enough to compete.  It has been a long time since I have felt it that badly in a competition environment and I knew once I fought I would feel at least marginally better.  I might have felt awful off the mat but fighting I felt great, better than I have for a long time.

And now a week before we set off to Italy, I know I have done all I can.  I am as fit as I could get through my training, I'm in as good condition as possible and I am ready - mentally and physically.  It won't be easy, it never is but I have trained for this, my whole team has trained for this and now this moment is ours to enjoy, relish and look back on over years to come.  To be able to say we did it, we trained hard and loved every moment because win or lose this is what it is all about.  And no matter where we are in the world, what we do, what we achieve or whether our futures see us all together again, for this moment now we are a team, we are as one and we are experiencing this together.  Let's do this team BCKA and show the world who we are.

I have had so much help and support into getting where I am now from all kinds of different professionals in helping me prepare and also in many kind people helping me raise the funds and donating to the cause to be able to do this.  To all of you, whatever role you have played, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Busy August - Clients, Books, Award Nominations

The month of August was completely hectic for me.  I set out with good intentions to blog regularly and do so much more but life just seemed to get in the way.  For a start World Championship training with my team at the BCKA started and for me this happened to coincide with a steroid injection into the back of my ankle for retro-calcaneal bursitis.  This instantly set my training back as I was unable to do any weight bearing exercise for a week!  So while all my team mates were running, sparring and doing padwork I was sat on the floor stretching and corework and then doing some cardio on the bike when I got in.  Overall I didn't cope too badly with this period but there have been moments where I felt intensely frustrated and also paranoid about injuring my ankle further.

Over August I ran a special offer within my business and saw an increase in weekly clients, which of course took up more of my time.  I also filmed for a Red2Green project talking about Asperger's and my journey to success.

I also decided that for some reason I didn't have quite enough to do and that now would be the perfect time to start writing my book.  So I am well into my first couple of chapters writing a book about my story and experiences which have led me to this point.  

Then my instructor told me I had been nominated for a Martial Arts Illustrated Hall of Fame award!  So overall August was a pretty good month, aside from the ankle problems.

Kickboxing & the BCKA

I have been kickboxing with the BCKA since I was 13 and its fair to say it is more to me than just my passion.  Now there are plenty of people who have a passion for kickboxing and also for other things and some of these people achieve great things in whatever their chosen passion happens to be.  However for me kickboxing is what has given my life meaning, purpose and structure over the last decade.

It's widely known that people with Asperger's often have some kind of special interest - this will be a subject they have intense fascination over whether it just be factual information they collect or something they are exceptionally gifted in, whichever they are so fascinated they can acquire great levels of expertise, proficiency and even genius in the subject.  They are able to dedicate great levels of concentration and focus on just that one thing.  I have never had any interest in surfing and won't pretend to know a lot about it but someone on my massage course last year mentioned this surfer, Clay Marzo and a documentary film made about him and suggested I had a look at it.  Clay Marzo has Asperger's Syndrome and he is an amazing surfer.  The documentary tells about his surfing and his experience of Asperger's Syndrome and I have included a clip below reviewing the film.  

“This movie will inspire people to live in the moment and to always take the time to look a little deeper. People are amazing and you never know what is behind their eyes,” – Strider Wasilewski (Quiksilver Surf Team Manager)

 

In the clip above where Clay says that for him being in the water is where he feels at home, I can honestly say that for me when I am fighting is when I feel completely relaxed.  Kickboxing is like my escape from the rest of the world and without it I am totally totally lost.  You see when I am around other people I can't relax fully, to integrate with others requires a lot of work and a lot of energy on my part, I also have some concentration problems and like to do everything to a perfectionist level so when I try to get normal day to day things done this too can be a struggle.  I look at it as having to put in extra effort to get things done and this can be really draining to keep up.  Then there is also the problem with stress.  I can't always recognise when I'm getting stressed and I don't know how to deal with my stress, other than to fight.  Kickboxing takes care of my stress and comes so naturally to me that it is a relief in a world where most things don't.

I have had periods over the last couple of years where I have been injured and unable to train.  When I am unable to train fully it kills me.  That statement might seem a bit melodramatic and it is true that any athlete or sports person would be severely irritable when faced with time on the sidelines but you put that with Asperger's and the effect is multiplied by 10, at least.  I am a nightmare to live when I can't train because it hurts me not to train, more than I could ever show anyone, its not a punishment it is torture.  I like to have a purpose to everything and with not training I don't feel as though I have one.  Training is not just part of my routine, my daily routine is built around my training and to lose some routine is not good for me but to lose the foundations of my routine is disastrous.  I become highly anxious, highly stressed and this is even worse if I can't exercise in any shape or form to help me manage these feelings.  In a matter of weeks I usually transform to someone who can't sleep, is extremely irritable and basically rude to other people because I simply can't deal with them.  

BCKA team at World Championships 2012

I worry about a future with no kickboxing or training as right now I simply couldn't contemplate a life without it.  Right now kickboxing is filling up a lot of my time with preparations for 2013's World Championships in six weeks.  I'm training hard with my team mates at the BCKA, as each day goes by we are becoming a stronger and stronger unit.  And as much as I love to fight and love the physical elements of kickboxing what has also been so crucial to my development and my confidence has been being part of this team.  At the BCKA I feel I am in a place where I belong and where I am valued for who I am and in my life there have not been many places where I have been able to say that.  I am lucky to have fantastic team mates who are very understanding and supportive of me and my coach Alex Barrowman who has given me so many amazing opportunities over the years and helped to shape me into the person and fighter I am today.  Thanks in part to Alex I am a fighter in every sense, I have an attitude to not give up and the belief in myself to achieve. Alex and the BCKA are family to me.

My coach Alex giving me advice before fighting in World Championships

Friendship and Forgiveness

I've had many friendships over the years but quite often they don't always seem to last.  I guess really I am not everybody's ideal friend, I am either terribly intense which can become tiring or I 'disappear' at times.  And this disappearing tends to be when I am focused on a goal or more often than not I am in training for a competition - I become a terrible friend because my whole life becomes dominated by what I am doing and anything that is not connected to that I'm not that interested in.  Now this enables me to be very successful in the things I choose to do but can also be quite isolating as I 'neglect' friends and family, putting things off until the competition is done.

It is not always easy for me to make friends either, I have always been terrible at making small talk, keeping things light and asking people about themselves.  I find it really hard to find topics of conversation that are not based on what I am doing, kickboxing or Asperger's.  In terms of general topics I only like to talk about things I know something about and when it comes to asking people about themselves I always assume if they want to tell me stuff then they will.

But having said that I have managed to forge many friendships which at the time seemed quite strong but in the end turned out not to be.  I have lost count of the amount of friends I have had where things were great then suddenly that friend just disappeared, and by this I mean that one day they just stopped speaking to me.  In some cases it was as severe as there was no reply and in others it was a gradual distancing but in all cases I have never been able to work out why and in each case there was almost like a grieving process.

There was one example of this a friend I believed to be a close friend, who I was able to confide in and who, at first, was so helpful and supportive through the tough times I had pre-diagnosis.  We worked closely together and I really looked up to this person and admired them.  It wasn't all doom and gloom, there were some good laughs and things along the way but then one day something changed.  Whether my unexplained behaviour became too much, I don't know but I do know that it was questioned whether I 'put on' my behaviour and this was incredibly hurtful.  At this time before I was diagnosed I was really worried, really anxious and afraid about who I was and what my life was going to be like, I actually hated who I was.  I couldn't make sense of things and as hard as I had tried I struggled to keep up and fit in.  It got to the point where this friend would no longer speak to me, where they would make fun of me when they thought I didn't know and even more they would get quite frustrated with me and much more.  It went from being someone I felt so comfortable being around and could talk to, to someone who it was uncomfortable to be around and who made me feel anxious.  Looking back now I see and understand that they didn't know I had Asperger's and neither did I.  

It is questionable whether or not despite this their actions were wrong but I chose to forgive this person and all the other people who made fun of me a long time ago.  I look at it in two ways, the people who I do not know so well probably never really mattered that much to me and if they want to make fun then as long as it is not hurting me it is them wasting their energy on me rather than on their own lives.  And the people who I considered close friends...well once they meant something to me and while yes it hurt the way they chose to act I don't need to hold on to that, I choose to forgive them for what they were to me and the things they did for me and concentrate on my own life.  That is the ultimate choice to concentrate on my own life, on being successful, following my dreams and being happy as I am.  People and things don't make me happy, what I achieve and do does.  Rather than concentrate on the people from my past I want to look after the people in my life now, the people who want to be in my life who understand my need to focus or why I might be a little intense, or even if they don't accept it.  I am lucky for all the people I have met and got to know, it is overwhelming how good some people are to me and this eclipses all those who have not treated me so well.